Hall of Mirrors

Good evening ladies and gentleman.

So here’s an interesting thing. I’ve become quite obsessed with the idea of “attractive.” What does it mean to attracted to someone, what does it mean to sense that someone is attracted to you? I have always found this, even as an idea a remarkable pantheon of twisting turns and dead ends, a house of mirrors forcing you to look at yourself from angles you may never have seen before. Life in itself could be akin to a hall of mirrors, the question of which mirror you choose to look into and what do you see- who do you see?

Moreover than this rather sweeping question, attraction generates something else to manage in this hall of endless mirrors….somebody else. Now you are not alone in the lights and reflections, as another person enters your maze of blockades and distractions. Something else to learn about, but that maze will never look the same to you again.

As that person roams, corner to corner, dead end to dead end, finding their way deeper into the seemingly endless maze, you catch a glimpse of them- in the reflection of a reflection. Confused, your head darts round- trying to see them. You try so hard to keep up, to catch up, yet, again and again you miss them. As this initial attraction grows, as you get to know this person, the desire to find them within these mirrors grows with it too. It’s so easy to fall into that trap of desire to the point where you ignore every reflection, every image and every other person, searching for that “perfection.” If you’re not careful, you end up searching frantically through those mirrors, unable to see anything else.

This is the danger of modern day attraction, because not understanding, confusion and thoughts being dictated by someone or something other than your rational mind can create a smorgasbord of different feelings, more often than not a rage is formed, the idea of not knowing can drive someone to what feels like the edge of madness. The result of this attraction and the subsequent overthinking will make for smashed mirrors to be far from uncommon.

Even as the highly strung moment passes and your mind settles again, all that results from this destruction is cuts on the bottom of your feet as you long for this familiar pain once again- willing to torture yourself for a mere glimpse of joy.

Thats the thing with attraction and with finding out someone is attracted to you. It doesn’t actually mean anything without action. Even if that action is no action at all.

Why did you smash that mirror? You have tried to understand why, or how this person found their way to maze in which you roam, only to be left questioning everything you thought you knew, scaring you to the point where you have smashed the mirror to avoid witnessing that reflection again. Are you smashing the mirror to avoid that person? Like we said, attraction means nothing without action. Maybe you are avoiding your own reflection? The idea of vulnerability is a powerful problem to many millions of people. They would rather smash the halls with a sledgehammer than accept the idea of something or someone mattering to them that is out of their control.

So how does one circumnavigate through this minefield?

“Know thy enemy.”

Those who you allow into your life will all have an impact and to me will be someone you were attracted to in some way. More so than that, if that they will all be an enemy to your comfort. That little world of familiarity, that corner of the maze in which you can recognise that person in the mirror and are furthermore comfortable with what you see (or don’t see.) They may roam your halls for a month, a year, or even for the rest of your days, but having them there will change you, bring about evolution within you, if you allow it.

Furthermore, it is folly to believe this person is an enemy to you, for you are the enemy of you. This is where attraction falls down, in both avenues of feeling attraction and sensing someone is attracted to you. If your beliefs, thoughts and feelings do not allow you to leave that comfy corner of the maze, then you will never find what you’re looking for. These people can motivate you, but the only way out is that first step. Open your eyes and look.

Look in every mirror, every single one. Look at yourself. Hate yourself, cry, bawl, enjoy, question and eventually love. Every mirror is a piece of the puzzle to who you are and the more you look into the more you will understand. It’s not going to be pretty, but it’s going to be worth it. In this endless maze of rights and lefts, in this process of developing yourself, for yourself. You do this and something amazing will happen.

You will be staring into a mirror. As you have done hundreds, if not thousands of times before. As you stand there, looking at yourself, learning and trying to understand the person you are becoming, that person will appear. That person you once chased for all your might, thinking, hoping, yearning to one day catch up to- will appear at your shoulder. You may not know them right now, let alone be attracted to them at this present moment. But as you learn about yourself, you will learn what you find attractive, not just in other people but in yourself.

Learn to compliment yourself. Learn to take compliments. These people are right, because you learned about that in the many lessons you have taken throughout this process. This process of trying to find your way through the maze will end one day. One day the exit will reveal itself.

You were never doing it alone. You had thousands of reflections spurring you on the whole way.

Is it just you in that reflection? Well that. That is up to you.

Yours, with love as always.
D.R x

Original Image by Marsha Raymers

Dance like Nobody’s Watching

Good evening ladies and gentleman

What does it mean to be free? To be truly free and disconnected from the problems in life holding back this ideal freedom, this idyllic happiness.

No idea.

What i do know is that the word freedom is often connected with another word- “financial.” As a generation, or even as a species we spend so long aspiring to this level of freedom, the idea that one day you could tell your boss where to go and live life as you please. Yet, you got up this morning and went to work, as you probably will tomorrow and the day after that. Are you free? Do you feel free?

I know i haven’t had any feeling of consistent freedom for years. Those good days just feel like day release from maximum security, twined to the inevitable stench of consistency as if you sleep each night next to a horse’s head.

How does one feel free- in a world that wants so badly to show you that you aren’t? If we look at it in such a matter of fact way- you are trapped. You are, I am, everybody is trapped and we should accept it for what it is and find the most effective ways to serve this life sentence as comfortably as possible. Maybe give a few hours, weeks, months, years, decades even to make sure that sofa comes, the TV gets slightly bigger every year and that car you dream of finds its way onto your drive- connected to the house you’re going to be dealing with payments on for the rest of your natural life.

I can’t sit and accept this happiness as what we should be striving for. Moreover as you scroll the internet, an endless source of information filled with an ever increasing number of car, cat and dog videos, i don’t think you can either. This happiness, we are supposed to see it as this hugely esoteric, massively significant goal in our life that we could spend most of our lives trying to aspire to. What if there is more to scrolling, to thinking, to feeling, to being happy and being at peace?

Now i’m not going to sit here and tell you to go and join a ballroom dancing class in order to find a level of freedom you have been lacking in your life up to this point, but bare with me. Freedom- or happiness for that matter are not destinations. We often rationalise these ideas we have been told will make us happy by treating them as a journey, a road onto which we lay out our lives to seek ultimate peace and happiness.

There is no such thing as ultimate happiness, i don’t think. These huge ideas, terrifyingly far away, leaving you with a resounding hope for the future. “If i can just get there…” or “when i get to that point it will start to get better…” Its a pipe dream, an idea that makes you ultimately feel better about your life (temporarily) but isn’t happy- not to me.

In my experience, peace usually involves being sat alone in the dark. This almost fugue state is beautifully lethargic, your body becomes so heavy its hard to even lift your arm, but you don’t want to move….all you want is to fall so deep and so hard into that music that reality falls away from around you as the beat and melody take you deeper into your trance.

This is the power of music, for in those 3 minutes and 49 seconds- you are as close to free as you have been all day.

What if it wasn’t that simple- what if there could be more to it. Darkness or light, next time that song comes on, try something slightly different, when completely alone, comfortable in the isolation you have become so familiar with.

Move. Move to the music. It doesn’t matter whether you are a good dancer or a fluid dancer. Just move to the music. Throw your arms around, spin around, kick, spin- just MOVE. Move for the whole song, change your movement as the beat changes, feel it. That’s the most important thing. 

Feel it. Feel every beat in every concierto, every riff and every octave change. Music combined with movement is the connection to the soul living within your body and that connection, that beautiful loving relationship is where you find peace. True peace is through feeling it. Then through feeling it over and over again, finding ways to continuously nurture that connection is ultimately where we find happiness. 

There is no formula to being happy and through this there is no concept or idea that can provide you “ultimate” peace. But what if there were these moments, these fleeting moments where you were ultimately unaware of all the joys and the misery life wants you to feel all of. What if there were times where you just felt good, for the sake of feeling good. 

No reason, no end goal. Thats where happiness is. Just a moment. Soon to blow away and be gone into these pages of memories you will never remember but right there, right then. 

You are free.

So dance. Dance like nobody’s watching, jump higher than you ever think you should, have the cake if thats what you want. Love harder than you should and kiss like its the last time you will ever get to. These moments often seem impossible, especially when there is great distance between them. If you love someone, tell them. If you want to see something wonderful, go. Revel in its wander and sit in awe of the magnificence of what you stare at. 

Feel it, and ultimately be free from a world looking to control everything you are and everything you want to be.

For its the only thing worth doing.

To be free.

Yours, with love, always and forever. 

D.R x