Obsessive Compulsive Purpose

Good evening ladies and gentleman- dam its good to be back…

So as of recently with the random swathes of strange moods, compulsively negative forms of processing ideas and a generally quite exhausting way of living and thinking, I find myself wondering, curious even about purpose. For many years I, as I’m sure many of you have spent many a night alone thinking about what it means and to me, why the world seems so fearful of purpose, or maybe more likely, why we are so scared of not being able to find it.

As the world plods on through the endless generational cycle of life and death, there is no ignoring that the population is growing faster and faster every year.  We are having children younger, in certain cultures having forever bigger families and as we speak in 2017- everybody is living a lot longer. Yet the world has not grown in size and the whether we like it or not, we need the world more than it needs us.

Quite frankly ask the right people and we are destroying the world, even though others will argue its just a commercial ideology being used to pump money into economies that don’t need it for us to buy things that we are told will save the world. Still, I don’t know enough about the complexities of the global warming argument along with the fact that you didn’t really come to read that.

The point i’m trying to make, as we continue to grow in number and as technology continues on this forever ending quest to make life easier, faster, communicating across the world in seconds, while making it infinitely harder to actually communicate with people when we see them (look at me, being moral from behind a screen) finding a meaning, a purpose for your existence, your life of love, ideas, beautiful brilliance and often debilitating fear is not that easy to find. Even if you do find it, understanding and utilizing it to the best of your ability comes with its own set of challenges.

Still, this almost obsessive compulsive need to find your purpose, to have a higher purpose in life beyond paying bills in a job you don’t like, going on holidays that don’t interest you and simply waiting for your time to expire and the clock to strike to zero is something i feel we all have, in our own way. If not for any other reason but for the fear of not living, being stuck doing nothing more than existing. Seems like a poor life, you could have millions upon millions in the bank, but that would still  be impoverished way of living, to me.

Once upon a time i was talking to a dear friend about purpose. She suggested that love is the key, to purpose. To have someone to lie next to in the morning, not wanting to get out of bed, not because you don’t see the point, but because in that moment, as you lie with her listening to your heartbeat or as you lie with him finding solace and comfort in that familiar beat, seeing through all the bullshit modern life can throw at us. To have a child, and for this child to truly need you for survival, to be second in command of your life as you work tirelessly to keep what seems like a big buzzing ball of energy together and safe as he or she finds their way in this forever changing world.

Since this conversation, the whole idea of having a purpose, a reason to wake up and get out of bed in the morning in hot anticipation of a great need for slumber upon your return to bed has been niggling at me, like an itch you can’t quite reach or a problem that seems to be missing a piece. To me, i have always taken life as something that you design, to make things better, to make yourself better. I have always believed that at no matter what cost, you should leave this world, at no matter what age, in a better state than the way it was when you arrived. It doesn’t matter how, or to what scale, you could have a brilliantly positive effect on the lives of a few people, for the love you share with someone could truly be a revolution, or an evolution in the way they think and feel, or you could change the world as you know it for millions and millions of people through the freedom and choices in the way you think, feel and show the world who you are.

While this belief remains in me, at what cost to yourself, to myself and to the life you lead?  I wander about the ability to sacrifice, to look past your personal obsessive compulsive desire to find purpose in order to facilitate the purpose and happiness of others. For if someone wants you in their life, if someone feels like they need you in someway, the positive effects on you could be monumental and whether you’re happy to admit it to yourself or the people around you, these sensations are going to feel good.

Sacrifice and the resulting problems of being alone, not seeing the potential beauty and brilliance the world has to offer if you just shone a torch through the inky blackness of idealized necessity, makes for a strange sense of irony in this cauldron of obsessive compulsive purpose.

If you live for others, truly at no thought to yourself, how much a positive influence and subsequent positive purpose will you have in their life? Admittedly there will be times when sacrifice is necessary, but not because its going to make something good for someone else right now or just for them in the singular, but for you too. You may not see it right now, but this sacrifice now may bring you closer to where you want to be in the future, but as a life purpose?

Surely if you were to let something go in your life, surely it should be for the good of you and this forever changing path we all find ourselves on? Furthermore i don’t know that living like this would be that beneficial for these people, leaving them concentrated on you losing everything and moving things around for the good of them, even though all they want for you, is as you want for them; to be happy and fulfilled in the person you are becoming and in the connections you are sharing.

So maybe this obsessive compulsive purpose isn’t the way to live truly and find our purpose in life, maybe its more a connectivity sort of thing. If you can connect with people, find a way of living positively and purely, love just for the sake of it, get hurt and learn from it, jump up and fall down so many times just because. Maybe this is our purpose in life. Simply to live, and to be as happy as we choose to be and exist as purely to who we want to be.

Maybe rather than compulsively looking for purpose, live to yourself and it will show itself to you.

Love to hear your thoughts.

Yours, with love as always.