Good morning ladies and gentleman
How are we influenced by the people in our lives? It cannot be denied that we are influenced by their mere presence, no matter how major or minimal you may consider it. How does your mental space change, do you gain more rooms on the palace of your mind, does it gain an extra wing? If not, what is lost to this new influence? Maybe lost is the wrong word, maybe an evoking of an evolution is better.
I have for many years considered my mental space the “Palace of Darkness.” A vast and unwieldy space, grand and beautiful, almost never ending but always very well defended. Moats surround it, archers prepared to do what needs to be done on the turrets, if you will. More over reaching than that is to protect it from the light, to hold the potential for influence at arms length- on the other side of the drawbridge.
The Palace, to me, has always been unique, for it is mine. Demons run the halls and the throne i sit on atop of it all is a reminder i am the Ruler of my Kingdom, my vanquished enemies to lie defeated beneath me. Its 2023, i’m aware the ages of 865ad are long gone, but i choose for the mentality of the Viking to drive me forward. I can overcome, my demons and I will rule over my domain and i can handle whatever is thrown my way, all while continuing in the lovely dark.
The comforting, beautiful darkness.
In this new age of me questioning an idea i’ve been so powerfully confident of for many years, my belief has started to wain recently. Not at an urge to step into the light after being almost defined by darkness for so long, no. An exposure not to the daylight, but the moonlight.
Let me explain for a second.
I once believed myself “protected” by the defences i had built. As a result of these defences, i was more powerful than ever before. King of my domain, if you will. King of the Dark, with a fear of the light. People since then, of a certain nature, have found a way into my palace, my closest, nearest and dearest you might say. They have found their way through, now living amongst the demons that roam the palace halls almost comfortably, capably co-existing as a part of my life. Recently the defences were exposed once again, but this time the light found its way through but not in a way that it ever did before, exposing the palace to the silvery shine of the moon-rather than the power of the sun.
Potentially disastrous…for someone, anyone to see all of me, the man I truly am, the one living in the darkest and quietest corners of the palace. The parts of me i locked in cages, the parts of me i daren’t even accept the existence of at times.
Truthfully, up to this point i had never considered this a threat for i had never considered it possible. I sit here now, with the defences of my inner workings, the nature of my very existence made aware of, a learning curve of behaviours and patterns that i hadn’t realised, made obvious by someone whom the mere idea of i once considered a fear inducing threat. Onwards, through to the very centre of my being, the demons grow nervous and head for the shadows, preparing their attack, to remove the threat on our continuing cynical nature we have become so familiar with.
They continue down the corridors, through to the centre of the Palace, looking for the throne room, to see all of me, truly everything I have become.
The demons are ready, prepared for battle, claws drawn, teeth sharp. They lean back on their haunches, watching from their hiding place as this new “threat” continues down the corridor. Without warning they leap through the darkness, bounding towards this enemy of the mental state. Claw drawn back ready to swipe…
Aware the demons were coming, the moonlight summoner the demons were expecting did not bring the pain of daylight, but the power of the moon. The silverlight shines from the hole in the palace she burrowed to find the way in and lured by the power of the moon, the enemies of the sun, became friends with the moon. They even showed the way to the throne room, built one next to the boss’.
So, i just told you a story about the sun, the moon and the power of the demons that live within us all. Random? No….think of the question i posed at the top of this piece. What capacity for influence do people have that enter your life at certain times and in certain ways?
Everybody has demons weighing on them, sat just on your shoulder, trying to remind you of what might happen, might not happen. Of all the negative emotionally charged experiences you’ve ever had, of every mistake you’ve ever made. Of every time you didn’t think you were good enough, of all the reasons why you locked those parts of you away.
Turning on the switch and allowing the light to pour through you sounds like an easy solution, but like everything is much easier said than done. To even attempt something like that is going to do nothing if not have the demons run for the shadows. Still there, just not directly visible for a while. Ultimately, it leaves you no less frightened of your own reflection.
So…how does one not just overcome, but evolve? The moonlight is different, for it doesn’t destroy the darkness. The demons fear the light and run for the shadows, but in the moonlight they become familiar with their new surroundings, aware of them almost. They believed the enemy was just that- an enemy of the peace I have worked so hard to create. I’m not so sure anymore…She made friends with the very ideas that i always believed could bring about my destruction.
To make friends with the demons, guess in a way that makes you impossible. Sat, drinking rum in the silvery glow, bathed in darkness.
Its a rare one this- for it surprised me. Time to see how this plays out… one roll of the dice at a time.
Yours, with love as always.