So, tonight as i sit here to write to you, i wander. If you have never been here before, welcome. If you have, I’m sure you’ll know this isn’t the first time i’ve got myself so lost, twisted up in thoughts and feelings of pain, of how loneliness can affect how we see the world, and of how more than anything else, how the world now seems so far detached from any form of humility.
Humility and honesty are two things i’ve always believed to go hand in hand, not one resulting from the other but not existing without it. Honesty sounds like a complicated thing to understand, even though it’s born from the most unique sort of simple human nature. While this may be true- the society we live in is almost making the idea of being an honest, humble person “unfashionable.”
Look around. You have to look pretty fucking hard to find anything honest these days. The world is designed to shine light on people who follow a set of ideals and standards, set down and passed through numerous different other people in an endless quest to do only one thing- create a feeling that passes for “happy.” We post on social medias from the moment you wake up to the last moment before you sleep, endlessly watching these “people” who have so much more wealth, followers- just a lifestyle in general so many people aspire for. The people who speak so loud and say absolutely nothing- only what they need to in order for you to buy their latest product- that next “shiny” thing.
I wander about money affects us as people, because it almost seems like an infection. We don’t know how to be honest, because money starts to dictate how we think and feel, but the truth is- what is money? What makes it so powerful as we obtain more and more money, any capacity to be honest or humble goes out the window- almost like “i don’t need that now- i’ve got this.” Look at someone who has won the lottery for example. Before they won they were doing their best, working hard and humble in the fact they had hobbies and passions and worked to be able to enjoy them. As they worked they tried to find a way for passions to become a full time joy and were proud of their progress, enjoying creating something.
Give someone money though and it changes everything. They want for nothing, because they can buy everything. Hence why so many millionaires are so lonely and lottery winners end up broke. Money is just paper, numbers on a screen, yet it somehow has the means to fundamentally change us as human beings. Often i think that person wouldn’t even recognise in the mirror, in the same way i don’t recognise myself sometimes.
Its bigger than just money though. I’m sure you have fears, as I do. That fear is a powerful hand controlling how you live your life, like a big shadow doing all it can to block out the powerful light looking for just the smallest crack in the armour of darkness you think is protecting you. We have all been born into a world of overthinking, that you need to achieve this standard or that, have this hair, this body, this job or this car because without it “I’ll be nothing.”
It’s as if we are living an almost “half life.” I’ve spent a long time thinking too much, miserable at the prospect of a lifetime spent in a world that i don’t understand and often don’t even want to, wandering through life as if it was simply an existence. We live for a purpose, to be obedient, to play your part in the same endless machine of KPI’s, early morning coffee runs and afternoon board meetings. Why does it seem like part of us has to die in order for us to simply exist?
The fear of falling drives us to never climb to those heights, even though the view from up there could stir your senses and tantalise your soul in a way nothing else could. We can live up there for so long and maybe, just maybe feel at least a little free. The problem is we have to get there. How do we do that? Well. I have no idea.
But what i do know is this. We all exist, whether we like it or not. We all wake up in the mornings, you have the same routine as you arise from that same slumber feeling the same way then you go and do the same day after day, minute after minute feeling less and less as you do. Anyone can exist. To live? To live truly and humbly, living honestly and towards your own ideals and morals, seeing the world as the relic, the rusting cogs and switches that we throw ourselves under just to keep the whole thing moving as just that- a relic.
Life has the means to be humble. If you fall from life, and fall from love- be humble. Be honest with yourself then as far as it may seem away, one day, maybe one day- life will find you again.
It’s simply a question of where we choose to look. And who we choose to be.
Yours, with love as always.