Good evening ladies and gentleman
Who are you? I’ve covered this idea or problem behind the idea of self identity a number of times now, but what if we looked at it from the other side- from the opposite side of the spectrum if you will. I am forever destined to be on this tireless campaign for creative individuality and independence, to rage against the machine the world has constructed around us and rise as the creativists we are, all in our own way.
Yet- what happens when this idea is questioned? How should, or how does one feel when this supposedly idealistic way of living creates pain in your heart and throughout every inch of your soul, so much so it causes you to question everything you thought you knew about yourself?
I wrote some years ago about the relationship between addiction and emotional trauma. In particular how in a time of powerful positive emotion we almost become addicted to feeling so much because everything feels so good. Only when that positivity deserts you do you naturally run as far away from this addiction as you can- to get as far away from this idea of feeling as possible.
A similar premise is shown here. You spend so long against the machine, be the outsider, don’t fit in, not noticed, in the background. But you have what makes you- you. As far as you’re concerned- in that moment, that thing is enough. But what if one day- all of a sudden- that thing wasn’t all it was cracked up to be? What if the passion and power became harder to muster- what if solitude and loneliness took a hold of you- gripped by your art but wanting- in the moment, to simply let it go?
You look around and see the rest of the world and how much happier they look than you (like happiness is a competition?) so naturally you consider dipping your toe in the fountain of normality and maybe for a while you find some joy- even with a wet toe. An ignorance of who you are is a dangerous game though, for fitting in can become addictive. As you continue on this theatrical lifestyle, one day you will look in the mirror- and whether you see it or not, the person looking back is nothing more than a mere shadow of who you were.
Almost like a ghost.
When you fall so far from who you were, in fear of the pain, the loneliness, the heartbreak, the contempt or confusion that it caused- how does one survive? How do you come through this and out of the other side? Can you?
When you start destroying yourself, out of fear of yourself- When you start on this path of self destruction in some hope of finding some happiness among others; what remains?
I don’t have an answer, no grand solution. There isn’t one i guess. All i know is the ghost of you will never be able to give you the satisfaction, the contentment or happiness that you are so desperately looking for. In the end, everything is temporary, no more so than when one “tries to live life in another man’s context.”
I think as much as the idea of self exploration is terrifying, especially when it seems like so many of us are living in a mere delusion of self awareness, it is the only way to truly learn about ourselves. Emotional trauma is a part of life, a negative event of some form is inevitable, for this is how we learn how much positivity life can give us. The event itself isn’t causing the heartbreak, the pain, the desire to run. It’s you. The way you feel about yourself is the key to understanding how you react to issues the universe puts in front of you. Good, bad, right wrong- it happened and as of right now it is part of your past and there is nothing you can do about it.
We are part of a society full of individuals trying to break free. The result is a powerful society, built on the destruction of individuals. You, me, anyone- we end up as this idea of us, an idea of what we are supposed to be according to an arbitrary set of rules and ideas designed to eliminate free will, individual creativity and any sort of beauty you see in the mirror.So in the end you’re nothing more…
than a ghost of you.
Yours, with love as always