Good evening ladies and gentleman
When things start, you believe they will last forever. When you make a decision, you think it’s the right one. When you cry, you think you will never feel good again and when happy, any whim of sadness you felt is a distant memory. To fail, or to succeed, the simple act of doing is incredibly powerful and the thought of such an act is incredibly compelling and equally terrifying.
It comes down to things changing and how we handle not knowing, instead left with what you believe, be it in a person or in yourself. When you hang it out there, when you throw that dice down the craps table, when you take that leap of faith, it has a degree of just that- faith. You have to have faith in yourself in order to achieve anything. It’s that same faith in yourself that brings people into your life, those you choose to trust, to care about, to love. They are only there- because you allow them to be there. The energy they bring into your life, their hopes and dreams, their desires- it becomes a part of you. Then together you strive for each other to grow to heights previously seen as impossible.
I say this is the case, but I know only in a hopeful world, in the Palace of Darkness i have crafted within my mind is this idea absolute. I am a big campaigner for living hopefully, but the world being the world, it’s a lot easier said than done. Life has gotten so noisy now, its hard to know where it ends and you begin.
The thing is, I think people are scared. Scared of what? Scared of everything, often even of their own reflection. What they don’t understand, what they do understand, what they feel, what they daren’t risk to lose. So what does one do- when one doesn’t know what to do?
Wrestle with it, with yourself, with the person, with the thoughts inside their head, in your head. Our mental health as a nation, as a species is so powerfully complex no single model or theory can logically explain it, not Freud, Wundt or Skinner- not completely. In this desperate wrestle for control, we can lose so much, not just the delicate balance we have been trying to maintain for so long, to keep face with how strong we are.
A last ditch attempt to desperately wrestle back control. Control is king, we have all heard and its the only way to win. Because in the end, its all about winning right?
Look at the belief, the power of the positivity coursing through your veins when you first decided to believe, to have faith. Day by day, week by week and month by month, it all starts to wear you down, make you question yourself. Doing something against your status quo does that, makes you think you’re crazy. You fight it, convinced your OK, that it’s all in hand. How, when wrestling for control- does everything feel so out of control?
Why? Because the last leap made you land on your face and the dice came up snake eyes. The cheers died down, the men in tuxedos, the women in beautiful long dresses moved away, the chips down the hole, never to be seen again. There you are, left, alone, stood at a table with some numbers on, feeling champion of the world to just another nobody with the roll of a dice.
As you lie there, puffy cheeked and tear stained, faith gone, exhausted at the sheer bloody struggle it has become to just carry on, you wander why you ever started, wander why you didn’t just sit in the cave, for the faith that lifted you up has dragged you so far down its impossible to know whether you will ever be up again. Face against the floor, not wanting to get up.
Thing is right. It may not seem like it now, not tomorrow, next week or even next month. This darkness you find enveloping you, filling your lungs, the pain making it difficult to breathe, killing the belief in you and in the people around you. You wish you’d never met anyone, just stayed home in bed, pretending the world doesn’t exist. Do that for a while, absolutely, Be down for a while, be impossibly sad.
Be so sad you don’t know what to do with yourself. Be with it and feel every second of it. Let the pain of it course through you as that positivity once did. But remember, as your faith did:-
That way your feeling, that nobody understands, that feeling that has you so far out to sea that the land is nothing more than a speck on the horizon, will end. You will find your way back, the sea will be there for you and will blow you back to shore. Ride the waves, there are people who will always love you and always support you. Your friends are the most powerfully brilliant people in your life, those there for you in hard times are the ones you should hold on to- they are wonderful.
Let yourself process this pain, never ignore it. Be patient, your friends aren’t going anywhere. Your faith is lost but it’s not gone forever. Then one day, without realising it, you will remember who you are.
The same- but different.
And although impossible to imagine right now- all that pain, that misery, the losing of yourself, blaming yourself for all this pain, the feeling of not being good enough, of being told you are wrong, you feel the wrong things, you are never going to find anyone else like me, you will be alone forever.
This person, once brilliant person you gave so much of yourself to. You will see what they took from you, and realise how much you went through to get it back.
Then you will finally realise, when all is said and done-
It was a Blessing in Disguise- it gave you your power back.
Yours, with love as always.