Good evening ladies and gentleman
I learned recently that one cannot ever go back to a time that you had never been in love. Not to over detail because I’ve been through it already..but i am, now and forever, unquestionably and irrevocably post love. I am perfectly accepting of this notion and have recently come to notice the almost relief i feel from allowing this sensation to exist in my consciousness.
From a time of denying its mere presence, fighting through tears of exhaustion and concentration to keep only from myself the idea that i could ever be privileged enough to experience what when simply appreciated rather than obsessively chasing its definition could be so powerful.
I feel fundamentally different, but for reasons beyond fear and anxiety may have led me to experience before. I wander about her, purely because now, she has a certain power and I- a vulnerability.
Yet, as i said, i do not fear this feeling and i don’t particularly fear this vulnerability.
Why is that?
Release from fear and anxiety is, i think- impossible. Through all and any aspects of life fear and a result anxiety will always play a role somehow, in decision making or perhaps in choosing not to make a decision at all. Vulnerability, as is everything, is a choice. You choose to appear, scars and all, to be exposed to the air, to the eyes of those you choose to see you and hope you will come through such an experience unscathed.
There’s that word again. Hope…
Life is nothing without hope, that’s what everyone will tell you. To err is human and to hope is the last great bastion of human endeavour before all is lost. But when in that moment, it isn’t the moment you fear..its everything else. Hence why vulnerability is so powerfully avoided, for a long time by myself and still so in the vast majority of others.
The thing about opening a door, is that you can close it again, whether you choose to walk through or not, its never quite the same now you know what’s on the other side. Take something like your pains, your hopes fears and dreams and show them to that person, show them the idea of what you are beyond you. This statue, this monolith climbing up into the depths of your imagination, shining like glass. All it takes is a tap for all of it shatter. Gone, forever, never to be the same.
Yet, why do i react to fear of the statue collapsing, in the way i do?
Why do i believe in her…more than anyone else, to hand her the hammer which could cause everything to fall, for the statue to shatter into a million pieces, possibly breaking the very nature of my conscious mind as i know it?
Because i choose to.
She has the power to bring it all down, and she is very much aware of that. By the same i feel she is just as vulnerable to me. I would never ever go out with the intentions of causing her harm, the mere thought is not something id even consider. Point being as i am vulnerable to her, she is comfortable enough to be vulnerable around me. This reciprocation of hope, this belief in another person that they have no alternate intentions, that pain is not the next meal on the menu as a result of what they decide. It’s a remarkable thing, and a remarkable power.
Vulnerability should put you on the back foot, I have always thought. One must tread carefully when another has been given the tools to burn it all down, but i choose to believe she never would. It’s an active decision, that is the key here. The fear, the anxiety you feel at the idea of allowing ones self to evolve, for the relationships you care for to become family, the closest of friends or to be lovers. It doesn’t matter what your relationship is, but what it is based upon is a building block for who you are.
I wandered earlier if my friend would, if ever given the power to destroy the glass statue within me if she would, but genuine connections transcend this notion that one simply could destroy another person they love, that they care about more than they thought possible. They become a part of you after a time, rather than taking a hammer to the glass tower, they’re up there climbing it right beside you.
Friends or whatever else, a connection forged in the fires of pain and the turbo charged by the beauty of love, connections that have the power to kill you but give you the ability to feel truly alive- that is what life is, that is what makes you get up in the days when you’d rather hide under the sheets.
Tell these people you love them, be comfortable with your own emotions and feelings. Understand and appreciate them for they have the power to build you heights previously unknown.
But if not respected, one tap of the hammer and the tower will fall, shattering to never return to form again.
Respect yourself and carry yourself to a higher standard, emotionally and physically. Be accepting of vulnerability. It’s OK to be sad. Never forget who you are in the moments you really wish you weren’t you. In the moments when you wish you were made of glass. Remember those who see through the bravado, through the flow and to you. Hold onto them. Dance with them like nobody is watching and love them like you may never get to experience it again.
For in that moment, you are loved in a way you may never understand. To know, in this strange ever changing world we live in there is someone, some people, whoever it may be that has your back to the very end.
It helps. Makes the idea of you being you a little less awful of a prospect to live with.
My people, they always have been the best of me.
Love, as always.
D. R x