Good evening ladies and gentleman
“Do not go gentle into that goodnight….rage, rage against the dying of the light….”
I found this phrase many years ago and have since used it as a fight against loss, being defeated and most importantly against the idea of “giving up.” Recently it has come round again and the more i think about it, the more i realize how incredibly powerful it is. For, in many ways, its how we live purely, become the ultimate version of ourselves and in our own way truly “master” life.
However, more recently i have found myself…detached. Detached in the sense that the connections that mean so much are nothing more than distant fantasies, ideas dying before they have even began, feelings no more than distractions to the overall goal. Not just through my writing or Thinking Evolution but through all of my life, in love and everything that comes with it. I don’t even know what the goal I’ve been driving towards really is, all i know is that I don’t know.
That phrase. That dam phrase.
I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know
You cannot begin to imagine how many times I’ve said that in the last few days. Again and again. Its almost like i don’t know where i fit in to reality anymore. It’s as if I’ve created a show for this person, showing the world this version of me, this hateful, bitter, angry man, fearful even of his own reflection for how it would judge him for being such a fool, watching opportunities float by and being glad to watch them fall over the edge to the abyss below, moments lost to misery.
I feel like this, so happily lost in the miserable familiarity, because i have always believed that I’m really good at it. Through this man, this version of myself that truly loathes people and all they can be, the man forever looking for flaws in people, pointing them out as he “sees so much” for the fear of looking at himself, at myself. I have convinced myself over the years that I don’t need people, that they don’t matter, just people living normal lives, to the compulsive standards of a society that just wants them to listen to anything but the heart and soul that drives them. The part of them that is truly “raging against the dying of the light.”
I know this man. For many years, i have been this man. Right now, from where I’m sitting, I’m not proud of the show that i have created and especially not of the person i have become. Being him just for a day is exhausting and I’ve been doing it for years. Compare this person, this fool, this scared, uncomfortable, worried, ball of anxiety, anger, rage and stress, to me, as you all know me- to DR. I am most at home with you, most at home being this person when I’m writing, when I’m so deep in thought about a certain subject or idea, a thought or feeling that creates such a unique feeling of brilliant wander and excitement. Its like electricity surging through me, the energy i feel as this version of me, the truly pure me is let loose.
No show, no pretense to keep up. Just me, sat in front of a screen, tapping away at the keys, trying to do some good for the world and the people who are living here, for if somehow, somewhere, someone sees a part of their world, a part of their darkness a little differently as a results of my random thoughts and emotions and maybe even feel a little more positive about life, love and everything in between, then maybe i would be doing some good with my time.
I like this version of me more, because i guess i am disconnected from these standards i have been living to for so long, this need for perfection, forever living to the ideals and morals of those around me, living to the opinions of other people and not to myself. Playing a character in this story i have written so well for myself, in the show I’ve been a part of for so long now.
That makes it sound like we are different people. We aren’t. For the first time in my life, I am owning what i am and the person i have become after all this time. I have been hiding from myself and what i want to be for so long now, running this show, playing a character for so long I’m starting to wander who i really am. Even to my dearest best friends, those who have been watching me destroy myself again and again are seeing what I’ve become, this showman. I have been, for too long now treating them as part of the show, as this piece in my grand puzzle of life that means i somehow win. How is this winning? A loss of beautifully brilliant powerful connections with people i love so dam much to the point it makes me forget how much i hate myself, never expecting to reach or exceed the forever growing standards of myself and the and thoughts of everyone else.
For a long time now i have been feeling like i am missing something and I feel like i may have found at least part of the answer, the missing link, the last brick on the path to my own Thinking Evolution. I am hiding from the world behind this screen, from my own standards, so saturated in negativity, in pain, anguish, rage, irritation, anger and jealousy. For so long, i thought i was being the person I was supposed to be, the person that would fit into the world the best, that would be liked, get along with people and find the real meaning of love and life.
Not realizing that in being who I am, seeing the simple beauty of living for the experience rather than the theory, living in the moment, right then, in an instant that feels so good that no ridiculous ideals, not out there standards of perfection are ever relevant. For in that moment, there is no show and there is nobody to impress, nobody to show how great i am, just me, here in what feels like this perfect moment.
How am I ever going to know what life and love truly feels like, living in this single perspective, working only for theory and not feeling it, experiencing all the beautiful wander the world can offer? if i remain in this single perspective mind, scared of what has been, what is and what might be, for it could make me look less than i’m “supposed to be,” scared of what i want to be, then I’m not really living at all, choosing to remain in the dark.
Its at this point we find ourselves back where we started and to “rage against the dying of the light.” For so long now, i have believed i am the character on the show, my life is the story i have created to fit a script i want nothing to do with. I have been raging against the dying light for so long, choosing not to see it- for i am DR, I always have been. The character is who I’ve shown to the world for so long now, I had forgotten who i was, not seeing what is so obvious.
I have been hiding from myself and these perfect expectations, while not really wanting to live truly as me. It seems about time i gave myself a chance at the reins in this complicated world i find myself in. Its not going to be easy, its not going to happen immediately, but this is truly my Thinking Evolution.
If i can accept who I am, through the fear, the adventure and the choice to think better feeling thoughts with the help and support of people who I’m closest to, then maybe, just maybe….
I might just get to be happy.
Yours, with love as always.