Good evening ladies and gentleman
I find a quandary plaguing my inner most consciousness recently, questioning the very nature of the reality i stare into every morning, the void, less of a void than ever before, but not as familiar as i once knew it to be.
A lot of unknown has come to light, for this new found moonlight i find myself bathing in has come with a new set of challenges, as it should i suppose.
I have, for many years now, written with confidence that the key to a successful life, to achieve a happy life in general one must be working towards a progressive ideal. The ideal, while never fully going to achieved, for to strive for perfection is folly at its core, is to me- the only problem worth solving.
What happens then when that core belief, of your nature, of your goals and futures, even of the very person that stares back at you in the mirror every morning is rocked, is shaken through and through, illuminating parts of yourself you’d thrown so far away into the dark you yourself had forgotten they exist?
This is where the darkness, the fear can easily envelop you, take over and head back for the darkest corners of your mind. All the light does is illuminate the worst parts of you, then you are responsible for what comes next. Its a painful form of self accountability i’ve only just learned about.
Question everything, I’ve always maintained a need to do that. Question everything and walk always with hope in your heart that anything can be overcome, all enemies can be defeated.
Everywhere in life, in different forms, both imaginable and through deities you couldn’t possibly imagine- problems will arise. Its not a good thing, its not a bad thing- it simply is. Problems are inevitable, your reaction to them is where you learn your role in your own life. I want to be the protagonist in my own life, as you should in yours. Nobody is more important in your life and to your life- than you.
Through understanding and self acknowledgement, you come to understand these problems more and more, able to control your reaction and manage your behaviour, using appropriate coping techniques and management strategies to get through the difficult period and survive through to the other side. It’s the predictive nature of life that makes it easy to manage, but outliers, outliers seem impossible.
The unpredictability of life isn’t the point here, far from it. What does that do to a person, when life delivers something impossible….when parts of you are illuminated in moonlight, parts you’d hoped to forget completely?
It creates, like everything in life, every move you’ve ever made across this chessboard like existence, every emotion thats ever passed through your mind and every tear to have dropped from your eye- a choice. An option. Life changes in every decision you make-to be something less predictable.
Fear of the unknown has been written about as long as i can remember but in that moment what happens to you- on an emotional level, on a deeply personal level. In the Moment before Renewal, the process of regeneration, the moment before a decision, red or black, left or right, the making or breaking of everything you think you know about yourself. What does that do?
It puts you on a path. On this path, it is inevitable you will leave certain things behind. Certain feelings, certain ideas you were convinced to be the keys to your world success and what to avoid to fully eliminate the chances of failure. People will walk with you on that path, others will walk their own, away from you. The Moment before Renewal is a change. Thats the point of regeneration- still you, but more.
More of the person you imagined yourself to be, more in line of who you want to be to the world, not what is beneficial to your sense of mental self preservation. Every Moment before Renewal is a regeneration, an evolution, a step closer to being who you want and having the ability to achieve what you want as a result.
You are not what car you drive. You are not your job, your house or what time you wake up in the morning. You are not your lunch time, or the endless berating of a manager who is convinced you could be so much more if you just “applied yourself” as they want you to.
In every Moment before Renewal you understand more about who you are. Every moment, every step, every evolution is a revolution and all you have to do is take that step. Then take the next one and the next one and never ever stop.
It’s not question of whether you can handle finding out. You already knew, i guess it’s about accepting who you are, flaws and all. Nobody is perfect, anyone who is convinced they are is frankly more broken than they understand. It’s about knowing what you want, not from your life, but from you. Be accountable for your own thoughts and feelings and while sometimes that might fall down, try always to get back up. Understand more and learn more about yourself. Be a student of you. Learn what makes you happy, you were not put on this earth to just pay bills, eat battered cod and chips on a Friday and do it all over again until you die.
There is so much more you can be, there is so much more you want to be. I would never tell anyone how to live their lives, because make no mistake i am far from understanding what the hell i’m doing.
But I’m trying to learn more every day,
In every moment
of every Renewal.
Fail or succeed, carry on.
Love, as always.