Good afternoon ladies and gentleman
First of all… Hello. It seems like it’s been such a very long time. Days and weeks have soon became months since my last appearance. I would resurface as DR in the world of Thinking Evolution from time to time and genuinely believe i was finding the flow again, the flow that has been eluding me since the turn of the new year. Its as if I would wake up in the morning with such motivation and high intentions for the day, for it all to just sort of… leave when the job was done. Found myself wandering why i was bothering, as if i had lost the reason to keep doing what i felt so strongly about before.
I’ve spent weeks and weeks now trying to figure out what is happening to me, for DR is the ultimate version of me, the person i strive to be everyday, the man behind Thinking Evolution and in my own way to try and do something to make the world a better place. I have made efforts for over 2 years now to work towards making some sort of positive impact on the world. If anything you’ve ever read or seen me write has had some sort of positive impact on your life, maybe not an everlasting effect, even if i made you smile just for a second, it makes the Evolution worth it all.
Something changed though. Something i could never see coming. Scary, yet so utterly fucking glorious.
The thing is i sort of understand what happened. I am DR at my best, sat atop the throne in the most powerfully brilliant room in the Palace of Darkness, running the show of my mind. Everything i am and everything i want to be, drawn from this person i am and the choices i make. I made a choice, a number of months ago now, i took a chance.
No thinking about it, no major concerns for fears and feelings. As a result a new connection was formed and she is beautiful, her mind so powerful, often feeling like she’s drowning in the pain and suffering of her past, she perseveres every day for the good of her friends and the people who are special to her. I felt privileged to just be seen by her, for she saw me as me. That doesn’t happen. A person feeling so much pain and fragility as the world constantly tries to beat her down still considers opening herself up to connection and to happiness is, to me, what true strength really is.
The most effective way i can think of to describe the connection we formed was that of a runaway train running up the side of a mountain, inching forever closer to the edge as it twisted and turned through the mountains of life. As much as i didn’t want it to be true, the only way that train was going to go was off the side of the mountain.
However much logical or rational thought i applied to that situation, in that it was confusing, it made no sense, it could never work, almost like we were walking down different paths in life. Through all the excuses i found myself trying to stop me, i carried on regardless of what i thought i knew. It was unexpected, a rare unique gem in a period of my life where i was struggling to see the good in the world, yet at the time it felt like this person, this beautifully wonderful human being was able to see the good in me.
It was a confusing, emotionally charged, incredibly intense experience. I think in many ways she is an intense person, not something was necessarily upset about, the heightened realization of who she was, or perhaps what she was becoming to me was a site to behold.
I thought my barriers were impenetrable, a fortress to behold that would mean the throne room was something nobody would ever find their way into. Yet, as we grew closer, not something i was able to anticipate, at the speed it did because as she said “it felt so right,” a statement that would confuse me until the very moment i type these words out to you, because i was perfectly happy with everything that was happening. It was a beautifully complex, near perfect time of my life where nothing else mattered. All there was, when we were together, was being there. You ever meet someone like that i thoroughly recommend you hold onto them. They are truly the best type of people in my world.
Once you let someone like that into your head, they don’t really ever leave. A beautifully powerful, evocative, emotionally charged person, funny, desirable, worth the whole world and is someone i will always care about. No matter what she believes and what i am supposed to believe.
I wanted her to become the Queen of my Palace. I suppose in many ways, she did. It may not have been for long, but it cannot be denied i learnt so much about myself because of it all. The runaway train may have launched from the tracks into the expanse of darkness below, but i have come through the other side a different man, a stronger man, maybe even a better DR. The world may have been different if we had met under different circumstances, maybe the results would have been different. The world though, is not made up of maybes. As much as that makes me sad sometimes, it is the way it is.
If you ever read this, which i doubt you ever will- i hope you one day see how beautifully brilliant you are. I hope one day you see your worth and get given all the love you deserve. You are worth the world and i hope you one day see yourself like i do. You’re powerful enough to make the world yours, to own your life and love more powerfully than i will ever know. Allow yourself that happiness and that love to truly be yours. Be selfish and think about yourself every once in a while. Your friends will still be your friends, even if your having an off day and just need someone to talk to- they know how much you care about them, i guarantee you that. You are an amazing mother and i hope you never change for anyone. Anyone who thinks you should doesn’t deserve you.
Know i don’t regret one day of me and you, for you bought about the most remarkable evolution in me. Something i did not think was possible.
I reclaim my throne and mind from you. I feel like this should be a moment of revolution, almost as if i should be happy to be reclaiming my domain- my Palace of Darkness is mine once again. The Palace is not as i remember it though for the evolution that has been bought about.
It changes you, an experience like that. I don’t know what’s going to happen and for the first time in my life, that’s alright. It’s quite exciting. I thought i knew everything there was to know about myself.
So there it is- to you. The Queen of my Palace.
Begs the question- Do we ever truly know ourselves? Do you know who you are, or who you are supposed to be, in all of its painful glory?
I hope this time I’m back and we can work together once again towards a Thinking Evolution.
Yours, with love as always.
throne image taken from -https://foter.com/explore/gothic-chair
I or Thinking Evolution do not own this image, nor claim to do so.