Good afternoon ladies and gentleman
As of recent times, throughout life and the way my thoughts and feelings have flooded through what we have been considering at Thinking Evolution, i have been somewhat obsessed by the idea of “the end.” A persistent thought i have been unable to shake off, curious and scared at the same time while i try to understand how best to come to terms with the idea that everything will inevitably end and no amount of preparation will have you ready for when it comes. It will always happen, for everything must end and when it does, it will always be sad.
Sadness, in loss of life, love or anything in fact is almost like a poison. It flows thorough you, touching the tips of your fingers down to the tips of your toes, leaving you thinking you will never feel anything else. It can come from loss, from desire, from a yearning, a long to be wanted, to need something so much more than what your feeling, what your doing right now. Combine this with the fear of that utterly beautiful instance in your life being taken away, or simply just ending and the result is more powerful than any of us can understand, like you almost become frozen with fear.
Nonetheless, this idea of everything ends and its always sad- it has a second line, perhaps a line infinitely more important than the last. While everything ends, and its always sad- everything begins again, and that’s always happy. There are going to be times of such darkness, such pain, even loneliness, whatever that means and i think at times we all find ourselves comfortable in pain and in darkness, so taken by the end. For something to end though, surely they have to begin again, more than sit in that existential loop. Somehow differently this time though, for you have learnt more about your world and about yourself, for if the pain that hurt so much, that loss of something that once meant so much can’t affect you on such a fundamental level, it makes for a number of difficult questions.
How much did it actually mean to you? and more importantly are you really letting it go by not letting yourself be sad- not being in pain? To go through and take on that pain is the key to the new beginning, and to me the key to finding a happier place in life.
It can seem like an impossible task though. As we spend time being sad, spend time living in the thoughts and feelings that an end, or even the feeling that an end is coming will give you, when everything feels so saturated in emotion and the confusion seems like it will never fade, like your almost floating, never expecting to be able to find your feet as the floor has been taken away from beneath you, like a tablecloth was pulled from the grand table, only for all the crystal glasses and ornate china to go crashing to the floor. Its a scary thought, and generally scary is not a positive thing. Is this is a good thing when it comes to your thinking evolution and the new beginnings that could be the make or break of who you are? Surely it should be the start of something.
I’m not stupid though, or not stupid enough to see that this idea, this need for new beginnings is always going to be tinged with the sadness of the last end and in the fear of the loss, of the pain and envious sensations of what once was. Its almost like we have a desire for our life to change, to be able to not need to defend and surrender to the desire, to the potential for pain and hope and trust that it won’t turn around and stab you in the back.
I am forever persistent though, in my stubborn lack of faith in beginnings. We have all, in our own way, fought for domination over our own thoughts. We have hoped for new beginnings to be different, for things to change again and again to be left only with the sorrowful sensation left by an ending. It makes you wander about whether beginnings and the brilliance they can bring are worth the pain of their end. This obsessive awareness, this battle, that voice in your head, when all the good could easily come crashing down, destroy your grand plans for life, it makes for a dramatic, hopeful desire to maintain a well filtered, manufactured controlled form of thinking. While this isn’t going to cause any pain, from loss or from an ending, its balanced by the fact it doesn’t really cause anything.
I guess its all down to risk. You put yourself out there before, you were there in a moment of your life where all that mattered was that instant, just a minute of time in this forever hectic world you spent with someone who means so much to you, just a second that left such a mark on who you are to cause your own mental evolution. Then, for whatever reason, things happened and that change in your life, that beginning that was the green light for such a powerful thinking evolution was gone.
Pain, while it’s difficult to deal with, is always going to be a part of your life, a part of my life, a part of the world full stop. It will always be there, and it will never be pretty. Things will always end, and it will always be sad. More importantly simply not beginning anything to avoid the end doesn’t solve the problem, it just avoids the problem, leaving you concentrating not on living your life for those beautiful moments, but instead concentrating on avoiding the beginnings that could be critical to making you happy.
Maybe that’s the key. What if the pain of the ending is the way the new beginning makes us feel so good and brings us so much closer to being happy? More than the risk of sadness, of loss and misery in the face of the new beginning, what if you were simply learning? You were in pain, drowning in emotion not really seeing a way out. The beginning make its different though, you have a goal and its almost like a weight is lifted beyond the pain you feel. You don’t ever lose the pain though, you learn from it. You see what happened before, the path that led you to the ending that was tainted with such sadness and see that you have been able to get through that pain. You are stronger because of it, as well of the fact were a similar situation to occur, then you would have the means to do things differently.
We have always believed there is nothing worse than pain, especially the pain that comes with endings. If we look at pain differently though, use that pain and what we have learnt to continue to live the way we want to, for the outstanding moments in life that make you feel so dam special it cannot really be explained. If we can learn and evolve from pain, when you put yourself out there and trust that the good times will begin again, maybe, in our own way, we can live more peacefully. Maybe even be happy.
An interesting thought- no?
Yours, with love as always.
PS: Talking of new beginnings I’m working on something for the fast approaching 1st anniversary of Thinking Evolution.