Latest occurences

The Show

Good evening ladies and gentleman

“Do not go gentle into that goodnight….rage, rage against the dying of the light….”

I found this phrase many years ago and have since used it as a fight against loss, being defeated and most importantly against the idea of “giving up.” Recently it has come round again and the more i think about it, the more i realize how incredibly powerful it is. For, in many ways, its how we live purely, become the ultimate version of ourselves and in our own way truly “master” life.

However, more recently i have found myself…detached. Detached in the sense that the connections that mean so much are nothing more than distant fantasies, ideas dying before they have even began, feelings no more than distractions to the overall goal. Not just through my writing or Thinking Evolution but through all of my life, in love and everything that comes with it. I don’t even know what the goal I’ve been driving towards really is, all i know is that I don’t know.

That phrase. That dam phrase.

I don’t know

I don’t know

I don’t know

You cannot begin to imagine how many times I’ve said that in the last few days. Again and again. Its almost like i don’t know where i fit in to reality anymore. It’s as if I’ve created a show for this person, showing the world this version of me, this hateful, bitter, angry man, fearful even of his own reflection for how it would judge him for being such a fool, watching opportunities float by and being glad to watch them fall over the edge to the abyss below, moments lost to misery.

I feel like this, so happily lost in the miserable familiarity, because i have always believed that I’m really good at it. Through this man, this version of myself that truly loathes people and all they can be, the man forever looking for flaws in people, pointing them out as he “sees so much” for the fear of looking at himself, at myself. I have convinced myself over the years that I don’t need people, that they don’t matter, just people living normal lives, to the compulsive standards of a society that just wants them to listen to anything but the heart and soul that drives them. The part of them that is truly “raging against the dying of the light.”

I know this man. For many years, i have been this man. Right now, from where I’m sitting, I’m not proud of the show that i have created and especially not of the person i have become. Being him just for a day is exhausting and I’ve been doing it for years. Compare this person, this fool, this scared, uncomfortable, worried, ball of anxiety, anger, rage and stress, to me, as you all know me- to DR. I am most at home with you, most at home being this person when I’m writing, when I’m so deep in thought about a certain subject or idea, a thought or feeling that creates such a unique feeling of brilliant wander and excitement. Its like electricity surging through me, the energy i feel as this version of me, the truly pure me is let loose.

No show, no pretense to keep up. Just me, sat in front of a screen, tapping away at the keys, trying to do some good for the world and the people who are living here, for if somehow, somewhere, someone sees a part of their world, a part of their darkness a little differently as a results of my random thoughts and emotions and maybe even feel a little more positive about life, love and everything in between, then maybe i would be doing some good with my time.

I like this version of me more, because i guess i am disconnected from these standards i have been living to for so long, this need for perfection, forever living to the ideals and morals of those around me, living to the opinions of other people and not to myself. Playing a character in this story i have written so well for myself, in the show I’ve been a part of for so long now.

That makes it sound like we are different people. We aren’t. For the first time in my life, I am owning what i am and the person i have become after all this time. I have been hiding from myself and what i want to be for so long now, running this show, playing a character for so long I’m starting to wander who i really am. Even to my dearest best friends, those who have been watching me destroy myself again and again are seeing what I’ve become, this showman. I have been, for too long now treating them as part of the show, as this piece in my grand puzzle of life that means i somehow win. How is this winning? A loss of beautifully brilliant powerful connections with people i love so dam much to the point it makes me forget how much i hate myself, never expecting to reach or exceed the forever growing standards of myself and the and thoughts of everyone else.

For a long time now i have been feeling like i am missing something and I feel like i may have found at least part of the answer, the missing link, the last brick on the path to my own Thinking Evolution. I am hiding from the world behind this screen, from my own standards, so saturated in negativity, in pain, anguish, rage, irritation, anger and jealousy. For so long, i thought i was being the person I was supposed to be, the person that would fit into the world the best, that would be liked, get along with people and find the real meaning of love and life.

Not realizing that in being who I am, seeing the simple beauty of living for the experience rather than the theory, living in the moment, right then, in an instant that feels so good that no ridiculous ideals, not out there standards of perfection are ever relevant. For in that moment, there is no show and there is nobody to impress, nobody to show how great i am, just me, here in what feels like this perfect moment.

How am I ever going to know what life and love truly feels like, living in this single perspective, working only for theory and not feeling it, experiencing all the beautiful wander the world can offer? if i remain in this single perspective mind, scared of what has been, what is and what might be, for it could make me look less than i’m “supposed to be,” scared of what i want to be, then I’m not really living at all, choosing to remain in the dark.

Its at this point we find ourselves back where we started and to “rage against the dying of the light.” For so long now, i have believed i am the character on the show, my life is the story i have created to fit a script i want nothing to do with.  I have been raging against the dying light for so long, choosing not to see it- for i am DR, I always have been. The character is who I’ve shown to the world for so long now, I had forgotten who i was, not seeing what is so obvious.

I have been hiding from myself and these perfect expectations, while not really wanting to live truly as me. It seems  about time i gave myself a chance at the reins in this complicated world i find myself in. Its not going to be easy, its not going to happen immediately, but this is truly my Thinking Evolution.

If i can accept who I am, through the fear, the adventure and the choice to think better feeling thoughts with the help and support of people who I’m closest to, then maybe, just maybe….

I might just get to be happy.

Yours, with love as always.


Good evening ladies and gentleman

I have always been infuriated by this idea of “OK, that’s the way it is.” What’s the point of being able to think freely and without bias if we aren’t actually going to use this brilliant skill we have to the biggest advantage we can.  As times and societies have developed, this ability to change, to evolve and be so much more than we are right now, to run, to work, to graft so much to get to that higher point, to reach the very peak of that mountain and give yourself a reason to be so much more is forever growing, and forever coming up against more formidable opposition.

I feel like we don’t like to be surprised, to live for the moment as you cry with laughter, to cry with sadness, to love so powerfully, to run so fast, to feel an icy wind bracing against you in the vast “colorlessness” of a snow covered landscape, to feel the sun baking down on you as the waves lap between your toes on a beautiful beach, to have amazing, soul connecting sex, to connect with people to the point you feel so much comfort just hearing them breathe as you hug them. This is the challenge- but the question is how do we challenge the world to get to that point? Through change, yet i find its something we have all feared at some point.

I have always seen change as this daunting thing, this huge deal that we always brace for, as we never really know when its coming. You don’t know what’s going to happen, so how would you ever know how to deal with it? You wouldn’t until it happens. This “not knowing” pushes people to avoid change and find comfort in reliable familiarity, from the job that doesn’t fulfill you, to the things you hope will make you happy and at times the relationships we fail to maintain as the spark that once held you so close to one another seems nothing more than a beautiful memory, now a distant fantasy.

What if we are always changing, always evolving in some way and this fear of change is us just putting a block on what we are told will be a problem- what we have been taught might not necessarily be acceptable? Be it by other people or even by ourselves? Take the connections and relationships we have throughout our lives, they are all different, from the relationship you have with your mother to your father, to your friends and enemies, current partners and those you have longed for in the past. Each relationship is different on a most fundamental level through the chemistry you share with this person.

What is chemistry? Chemically speaking, its taking two raw materials and reacting them together to get something new and in the vast majority of cases, better- a more improved version of the materials if you will. This positively high school definition is something that can be taken to the connections and relationships we have had across our lives up to the present moment in the connections we share now, for the impact they can have on your future is truly enormous.

I have been unable to understand this idea of chemistry between two people for many years, confused by the idea of relationships having a “spark,” where this people share good “chemistry” in order to be closer and have a deeper, more meaningful relationship. Even in the endless television and film reviews where the main characters of the story “shared good chemistry.” These phrases just seemed really odd. When you sit down and think about it though,  chemistry is so important to our development as people, critical in how we evolve through time and grow to the people we have become and as we continue to grow in the future.

Take a recent conversation with a close friend of mine. She says that the key thing to her ideological relationship, even to her ideological friendship, is simply to understand her. Now for the many years I’ve known this fabulously oddly wonderful person, to start with i didn’t see it- quite frankly when I met her, i found her positively infuriating. I have grown and developed ( I like to think) since this period in my life and now it seems to make more sense who she is and what she wants to be. She doesn’t connect with people well, for she doesn’t really know how to, so the outlandish”ness” in her was a way to be noticed, to stand out, even thought there is far more too her.

So as i have developed, she has too, and through the admittedly complicated, often very emotionally, negatively charged, rather exhaustive chemistry we once shared, our relationship and the resulting chemistry has evolved. The result is this- i sort of understand her and she sort of understands me. I will never claim to understand everything, especially her, but i remain steadfast on this idea that we have a chemistry of sorts, a spark that means we are happily comfortable around each other, to talk and think freely without being judged, to talk and share opinions, hopes and dreams, to be there for each other when being swallowed by darkness and in the dizzying heights of the bright lights.

I’m not saying this is purely based around her, for this is far from the point i’m trying to make, more  how the timeline of life can recreate and remold the chemistry you share with another person, away from just “knowing someone,” away from online dating, random encounters in bars, fleeting passing of strangers in the street, from the guy helping you try on shoes, to the girl serving you in your favorite restaurant. Its more the smile you shared with the waitress in the bar, to the dinner you shared after the droves of rubbish on the internet with someone you felt like you’d known for years and the deep conversation you had of life, love and everything in between with a total stranger in the bar. These encounters all create a form of chemistry between you and that person. As for what might have been just a second, you shared a deep, meaningful connection and in just that fleeting moment, nothing else mattered.

Maybe that is the whole thing with chemistry- the ability to be in the moment when you are with that person. When I’m with my friend and talking about whatever random subject is occurring at the time, I am there, as present as i possibly can be, without the bullshit irritations and limitations that are forever thrown at us in modern society, forcing labels and categories upon you, like somehow everything has to be labelled and quantified, therefore it will make “sense.”

Why does the chemistry you share with someone have to make sense? I don’t think these connections will ever make sense and can never really be understood, nor should they be. Even more so  in those i am close to,  in that they seem comfortable in a way not many people are around me, willing to talk and understand through the most complex of ideas, be there to show me the path back to the light and there to laugh with me while we are there. This, to me, is because all three of us gave the chemistry we now share a chance, however weird and brilliant it is, to simply “happen,”  with this the resulting connection we share.

Proof then, if we ever needed any that sharing chemistry with someone is true power, bringing about change, an evolution of your thinking in life, love and everything in between.  It could create passion, power, desire, love- feelings that feel so incredible if we can embrace them and treat them simply as they are, if we choose to allow ourselves the privilege. It is chaotic, it is scary, but that’s the point- its supposed to be. Without it, you lose a critical part of yourself, the part that makes you unique, that part that connects with someone on such a level that the relationship you share is so special, your lives are forever to be intertwined in the chaos.

It makes for something you don’t understand, but being there for them through it all isn’t something you would miss for the world.

That is chemistry at its finest, to me.

Yours, with love as always.


Side Step

Good evening ladies and gentleman

I have said a number of times before over what has been more than a year now, we all have someone that lives just beneath the surface of who you show to the world. I choose to believe we all have this version of ourselves, an ideal lifestyle we wish we could truly live everyday- a life without the “necessity” of mediocrity.  Like an iceberg just below the surface of the cold icy waters of modern life, i feel we all want to be so much more, be all we could be, so much more- the adventurer, the traveler, the creator, the lover. Above all else, its the part of you that is “you” in its truest form. It is you in your purest, most non-diluted fashion.

Its difficult in modern society to live to the ideals of that person though, to live like you truly want to and do all you can to live in the purest way that you can. Through all the noise, the obsessive need to tell you how to be “happy” and the materials required to live for this perfect social ideology, the path we are told is the key to happiness can often seem so much brighter than everywhere else. Its this that can make it seem so appealing, yet as you start down that path you end up seeing it really isn’t anything worth doing, just another case of the supposed manufactured happiness that is becoming far more commonplace across the world these days. Its this that has led me to my current state of almost exhausted confusion.

Its a peculiar sensation, that path, because it often seems like that it never leads anywhere. While you feel like its not moving you backwards and further away from your dreams of being that person, it brings you no closer. In the end, you just seem stuck. Running in an endless circle, doing the same thing each day, week and month. Not progressing, not losing, not feeling anything more than you have to in order to get through the next Tuesday, similar to last Tuesday and probably very similar to the following Tuesday.

While I’m able to admit some routine is good, the monotony of it all can sometimes get a bit much. I guess you could liken it to is going eight rounds with Anthony Joshua, thinking your holding your own until you get cracked with a monstrous uppercut out of nowhere. Beyond that, everything just seems fucked.

Despair is interesting because when things get to that point, in my opinion, you have to make a decision. There is no other way of moving through this intensely emotional and very negative period of your life. You can carry on, accept your situation and let the version of yourself you desire to be, the one living below the surface carrying on doing just that. Leave you hoping that something will happen, a chain of events will become the catalyst for a transformation where that supposed “necessity” becomes much less necessary. The alternative though, seems much more appealing and much more effective than simply “hope.”

Hope can feel like a punishment when no action is being taken. Its like wishing to win the lottery, or that person will notice you, without buying a ticket or even saying hello. The harsh truth of life is- its not going to happen. You sit there and do nothing and what should any of us really expect to happen? Nothing- obviously.

Question. Your sat in this persistent, dreary revolution- your stuck. That path is consistent, irritating, comfortable, familiar and just makes you feel so much nothing. How do we become unstuck? Take a side step. The path you find yourself on isn’t working, you clearly feel stuck. This obsessive progression that modern society has been suffering with for so long now can make anything other than forward movement seem like such a dramatic failure, like your wasting your time, purely for the fact you aren’t moving closer to where you want to be, not necessarily moving closer to “life domination.”

Why is that a bad thing? The fact your moving at all is truly spectacular, an amazing mental feat all by itself for all the fear it so easy to be controlled by. We can often feel stuck on this path we have chosen, often lost in the emotion, the misery, loss, the “how much time am i wasting doing this” sensation you find yourself waking up to. So build a platform, and take a side step. The angle of the current attack isn’t working, so the issue, the dream, the “iceberg” self needs to be attacked from another perspective.

As usual with a lot of what i write this is  much easier said than done. The path you find yourself on can often feel so limiting, the choices so restricted that you don’t really know where to turn. I guess you could say its like staring at a brick wall, a wall that there seems no way through, stopping you being happy and reaching those dreams and heights you are forever imagining yourself getting to. The choices forward seem limited, so what if you take a step to the side? There will be delays, but in the long term, you are getting closer to the goal.

It makes no sense to do this, but what if you could? If you change the way you see your current situation, not a roadblock stopping you from where you want to be, but information that a side step is required. A side step, a change in tactic, a slight modification in the way your thinking and feeling about the present moment in this forever random changing smorgasbord of emotional thoughts and feelings we call modern life.

Its natural to assume taking a side step doesn’t make sense, because it doesn’t take you any further forward. But what it could do, in my opinion, is make you so much stronger, so much more independent and powerful as a person. It’s something that’s going to take perseverance, confidence, belief in yourself and faith in what you are capable of. For a while there may be no results, but a slight jump from where you are could create  a world for you so much more than your currently experiencing, if you let it. If you can move past the fear of losing the familiar and the belief we must always progress, believe and perhaps importantly, hope. Be confident and powerful in your positive thoughts to overcome the potentially destructive qualities of hope.

The side step could do so much. Its through the choice to think and feel better feeling thoughts that could truly be our Thinking Evolution.

How do you feel about the side step? What about this strange need to almost constant progression in modern life? Feel free to comment here or on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.

Yours, with love as always.


Random picture.



Good afternoon ladies and gentleman

So, come tomorrow (May 3rd) Thinking Evolution will be celebrating its first anniversary. Quite frankly through all the trials and tribulations i have a habit of putting myself through- its remarkable we made it this far. Nonetheless- let us go back in time for a while and see how we got here.

Many moons ago, i realized a lot of the world made very little sense to me. Ideologies, behaviors, thoughts, feelings and everything in between that made this forever changing world keep hurtling through time at a forever increasing speed has made it more and more difficult to keep up. I am forever curious about life, love and everything in between. Its this curiosity and this confusion that led me to writing and subsequently, led me to starting Thinking Evolution.

I think a great deal about a vast number of topics and thoughts, writing and considering how we can learn and understand, in order to bring about a change, a connection across the world that creates sharing information and understanding, where we can learn how to think and see we can choose to think better feeling thoughts. For if we can see there is a choice, we can choose to be positive, we can choose to feel good and even see the bad negative aspects of life as something we can use to our advantage in the development of what is essentially, our own uniquely brilliant Thinking Evolution.

When lying at death’s door, waiting for the inevitable end, if what i write and what i have done can create discussion and understanding, the development of ideas and connection where people can choose to feel good, then i will have done something good with my time. Its not been easy though, as I’ve said nothing worth while, nothing “evolutionary” is ever going to be easy. If it was easy, it wouldn’t be worth doing. Even if i have a strange capacity to become distracted, to become lost in my own distance, to feel as if I’m fading into the noise of modern society and the ridiculous idealized manufactured happiness. I always believe though, I must maintain resolve and remain focused on what, as a collective, Thinking Evolution is all about.  For i hope, i truly hope, it will be magnificent.

I am this person, I can’t hide from you. I’ve changed my name, but beyond that the world is a forever confusing amalgamation of ideas and fear inducing thoughts. However, i persist. I dream of creating something beautiful, brilliant and bringing about an evolution amongst us where we can share, connect, learn, choose and understand. This way, you and I can truly start living.

So when i started this, i took the first step i like to think to achieving that dream, to making the world at least a little better. Without this i would carry on existing in a job, knowing people and to me, not really achieving anything. I took the first step, now 364 days later i find myself at this point. I won’t claim to know or really understand what I’m doing, I’m working as hard as I can to learn about what needs to be done, to develop us, to develop this and develop myself. We are all here to learn, and for the past year i have been motivated by what we could as a collective do together.

I keep in mind what i have planned for Thinking Evolution and the constant thirst for knowledge and understanding of how we can get there, through writing, through life, love and everything in between. I feel it takes a lot of trust, a lot of faith and a lot of creative intuition. But thus far, in what is the early stages of what i hope to be something amazing, i feel i can be proud of what has been achieved.

Yes, that seems the best way to describe it. Everything is changing and as we learn, write and understand, we grow. I have grown so much as a person since reading the articles and blogs that Thinking Evolution has allowed me to find, the comments that people have left sharing their thoughts and ideas. Its truly something i’m happy and privileged to be a part of and it makes so proud where things are and where i hope they are going.

Its not over yet though- this is is just the beginning. For the next 365 days and for many years after that, we will grow, share ideas and thoughts of life, love, fear, curiosity, pain loss and envy as Thinking Evolution continues to grow. This is the point of life to me, to be here, in this moment, learning of life, love and everything in between. Thinking Evolution will forever be growing, we will create more, be more, show you more and you know what?

I feel like I can be proud of how far its come- how far I’ve come.  Whether you’ve been here from the beginning or just turning up here now, thank you. I hope you stick around.

For to quote a random version of the Joker- “you ain’t seen nothing yet!”

Yours, with love as always


Uniquely the Same

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman

As you may have seen on social media from time to time, i find certain quotes from people that seem interesting, as well as posting them at the bottom of these writings.These quotes are an additional thought I feel like is connected to what we have been thinking about or something that is another interesting discussion point. They are interesting because they can be inspirational as well as connecting to something I’ve already written. As in many aspects throughout life, these quotes create thoughts, ideas and convince me of ideas. Its this individual based thought, this unique way of thinking that seems of interest.

As we come closer to the first anniversary of Thinking Evolution,  I find myself looking at the idea that you are forging your own path, to blaze through all the strange mediocrity of modern life and be that utterly magnificent version of yourself you always imagined you could be. That dream, that lifestyle, that ultimate phase of life where you feel like, just for once, you are truly achieving “life domination.” All of this, revolves around this idea that through all the stuff that makes us sad, angry, shake with fear, sink so far away from everything with such a sense of anxiety, we are all unique.

However, its this i think is the issue. This desired “uniqueness.” Its like we are concerned by the ideals of modern life and its manufactured happiness, thinking that new shiny car, the bigger house, that “key” promotion or whatever is currently on special for lunch is the key to a happy and successful life. I feel like at times, we all fall foul of this warped ideology. Why? Because its easy. Its a near emotionless, sedated experience that gives us just enough to not be totally miserable. That counter acting against the desire to be unique, to feel something new, to do something never done, to be somewhere not ever been and being something so much more than the insignificant speck in this giant absurd wheel forever spinning through life is a constant battle.

We fear being unique too though, for we think it will make us alone. If nobody can see the world as you see it, is able to think as you think, to love as you love and to even like similar music that you do, then that’s it. “I am, and always will be…alone.” We feel so unique, so singular in the way we think and feel that connections seem nothing more than a distant fantasy. Of all the fears and phobias in the world, modern or hundreds of years old, being alone, to me, is more powerful and effective at systematically destroying someone’s soul and the very essence of of what someone is. What i fear more of modern life is this systematic destruction of this uniqueness is  something we are consciously aware of, something we do in order not to be alone.

This just creates more questions though. What is being alone? Can you truly ever be alone, fearing life, love and everything in between if you have never experienced the highs these ideals can offer? Maybe in this age of TV dramas, binge watching and Netflix play a part in this supposedly relevant and real aspect of life, as we watch connections form and bridges burn in a number of hours, leaving us only with the pain of what happened, seemably as a result of that connection, of that beautiful moment. These moments that are so fear inducing, that the moments that make us unique so to create only pair and loss, a profoundly negative reaction to something uniquely brilliant.

It seems a rather endless circle then, a forever ending quandary that can’t be explained or removed from the forever evolving equation that is life. So- how do we go about living with this equation- how do we become more than a collection of x and y’s, to live life in our own way, while understanding and respecting fear of what we assume is to be alone. To live life not attached to the ideals of society and its manufactured happiness, to think differently and see the world through your unique perspective, not as the television says you should.

The problem is we can be greatly effected by the ideals of a society as we can see the changing of thoughts and feelings as forging connections more than losing ourselves. Its almost an intentional ignorance of the beautifully unique characteristics i choose to believe we all possess. This minefield though, it kills part of you. The free thinking, the opinionated, the respectful, unique, idealistic brilliant version of yourself that lives deep within you sort of falls into the background, insignificant, as you become a number in order not to feel alone. The death of your “uniqueness” changes you, makes you a harder person, living life in a much more fear inducing way. This, interestingly, is something we all live to, but doesn’t make any sense, for one very simple reason.

The vast majority of the population doesn’t care what your doing, what you look like, how you career is going, how much money you have, what car you drive, whether you get that promotion or how much your suit cost. People don’t care because they are busy worrying about what you think of them, rather than what your doing. Furthermore why would people care? We sit there fearful of what people think, of being seen as different, so alone, we crush deep down the unique characteristics that make us brilliant to the point we don’t really do anything. So this idea that people will form an opinion of you- living like that, what are we? Truth is, we really aren’t anything.

That’s the point i think. Uniqueness seen as this singular thing, this close to perfect idealistic way of living that means you’re doing your own thing and everything people are doing and thinking becomes insignificant, because “I’m doing my own thing.” This single view of what it means to live your life your way, to me, is where the limitations of being unique start to come in, because we ignore that we are all uniquely the same.

Throughout life, we are all trying to achieve the same thing- to live in a unique way. Everybody is trying to do this, in their own way. Away from the world and its obsessive ideals, if we can choose to live our way, and maybe inspire even just one person to live as they choose to and not to the ideals of this modern world, the ideas that we could share, the thoughts and feelings that could come to fruition would be incredible. If we collectively can find a way of living in a unique way, there are no limitations on what we could do.

If we remember this, i feel like we can live a little more peacefully and through this have a much happier and successful life, without the fear of being alone, of thinking differently and not seeing the world as society does. For this is who we are. And to live to the ideals of who you are is a truly spectacular form of life.

Yours, with love as always.


Random picture.

The Game

Good evening ladies and gentleman

So. I found myself a few days ago with my best friend, at a lake quite early in the crisp morning air, amongst the green of the trees and the wind gently blowing through the murky water- there in a simple moment in time I found something interesting. That the game is not anywhere as simple as any of us ever thought, more so than winning, losing, being successful or crashing and burning in the fire and flames of the next miserable end. It is so much more than all of this. This thing, this ridiculously confusing complex reality that we live in, the dreams we yearn for and the past we seem so haunted by bleeding through the gaps and molding together the personality of you, in this present moment.

I have, for many years, lived to this idea, this thing that life is a game and its being willing to at least play that is the key to a happy and successful life in a world that seems like it doesn’t want you to win. This game, this constant battle for dominance, the need to get ahead, to find that unique edge, to be the next big thing, to do this and that, to be with that person, to show them how much you mean to them, to have the means to articulate all of the thoughts and feelings flowing through your very soul, just for a minute. To be able to do any of this, we must first play the game and through hard graft, understanding and perseverance, we win. Then the game has been mastered and you won the trophy.

Play the game- throw the dice, draw the card, hook the duck. Win. In this quite basic scale, this is a perfectly acceptable way of dealing with stuff, with “life.” Scale this up though. Win the contract, win the job, win the woman, win her heart, to the point she is willing to give her all, to you. That by itself is an incredibly powerful thing for someone to do, to give you their heart and all that comes with it.

This world is not a trusting place in a time where you can find out everything from where someone lives, to what they drive to even what their favorite color is, all from a few taps across the internet on your smartphone. We are even offering up the most personal of information to the clutches of the digital world on dating sites for some idea that if we like the same stuff, then maybe we will have that chemistry with them and that rarely seen “spark” would make an appearance. So for her to trust you, as much as for you to trust her with everything you are, to become totally vulnerable to the point where ultimate destruction seems only a breath away is rare. Rare, because we dare not let this destruction get so close.

We all want to be the puppet master of life and be the one at the controls at all times. What is it though? This supposedly necessary control to maintain this society based manufactured happiness. To me, its resisting the urge to control as you give someone else the means to affect your mind, your heart and soul. There is so much bad in the world, so much pain. Its scary to become vulnerable, because in that second of weakness, in that moment where you give that person a chance, when you let them in and give them a shot at the controls, it could make for anything. I can’t help but think this is so much more than i thought, so much more than just a game.

Why? Because games are just that. Games, no more than blackjack, poker or hook a duck. They don’t matter. You have very little long term emotional thoughts and feelings for the more basic, considerably less meaningful parts of life. The key thing i think is that the feeling is temporary. Fleeting, one second of disappointment there, the next…gone- off to the next “thing,” the next “grand idea.”

Scale that up to something that can affect you so much more, cause such a seismic shift in your thoughts and feelings of life, love and everything in between is huge, for it takes us away from the familiar person you recognize when you look in the mirror every morning. I often don’t know how to deal with this thought, it vexes me for it cannot be explained or understood, or won. We treat the huger things of life as a game, then they don’t matter as much. We work so hard to anticipate all the steps we would have to take in order to mold ultimate victory to an obsessive extent.  We become so fixated on this game, on seeing ahead, on understanding, to the point where winning becomes all that matters and everything else, that brilliant, joy filled moment we are working to create becomes, in our crazy scheme, rather insignificant.

Through treating the bigger, scarier, more meaningful in your life as  “just a game,” means it shouldn’t matter if something goes wrong, if “I mess something up” or i missed something so critical that the whole game is lost. You can just work on a slightly different attack and then win. But then what? You won the game, you’ve hoisted the trophy aloft and celebrated your victory. Now what?

That’s the point. I don’t think we ever expect to win the game in the first place. Every time you lose, you have more experience in losing and it builds up. Eventually, the only path you see is the path to your “inevitable” failure. Which means you start wandering why you should even bother playing the game in the first place. Recently, with this bigger more shifting developments in your life, along with the thought and feelings they develop, in order to understand them and respect them for the power and magnificence they can provide- i think we need a slightly different approach.

Playing the game is just that. Playing. To “play” give a rather painless impression so when “playing with fire” and causing you and/or those around you a great deal of pain, anguish and misery its going to effect you so much more. You’re playing the game and  when you miss something, when you lose, no amount of obsessive predicting the steps, or seeing what is coming is going to stop the tinge of failure and the pain of loss.

Maybe this is a good thing though. A ridiculous thought i know, but what if it was? What if that pain, that thought, that vast expanse in your mind filled with nothing but pain could be a good thing. I have always believed playing the game gives our lives meaning and purpose, but i can’t help thinking its not that simple. Allowing yourself these moments, these connections with people who you love so dam much and that make you feel so good, these experiences that revolutionize your thinking, that allow you to see things you’ve never seen, to feel things you never thought you would feel.

Surely its this. Then as you lie on your deathbed, your family surrounding you in those final moments, a lifetime of experiences and memories filling your mind and the relationships forged in fire that were so powerful that they changed you forever. To live for this, for this to be life and your purpose- to own the stage, to give it everything you have, to put in 110%..

Surely this is more than winning the game. This is winning at life.

Yours, with love as always.

Random picture.

New Beginnings

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman

As of recent times, throughout life and the way my thoughts and feelings have flooded through what we have been considering at Thinking Evolution, i have been somewhat obsessed by the idea of “the end.” A persistent thought i have been unable to shake off, curious and scared at the same time while i try to understand how best to come to terms with the idea that everything will inevitably end and no amount of preparation will have you ready for when it comes. It will always happen, for everything must end and when it does, it will always be sad.

Sadness, in loss of life, love or anything in fact is almost like a poison. It flows thorough you, touching the tips of your fingers down to the tips of your toes, leaving you thinking you will never feel anything else. It can come from loss, from desire, from a yearning, a long to be wanted, to need something so much more than what your feeling, what your doing right now. Combine this with the fear of that utterly beautiful instance in your life being taken away, or simply just ending and the result is more powerful than any of us can understand, like you almost become frozen with fear.

Nonetheless, this idea of everything ends and its always sad- it has a second line, perhaps a line infinitely more important than the last. While everything ends, and its always sad- everything begins again, and that’s always happy. There are going to be times of such darkness, such pain, even loneliness, whatever that means and i think at times we all find ourselves comfortable in pain and in darkness, so taken by the end. For something to end though, surely they have to begin again, more than sit in that existential loop. Somehow differently this time though, for you have learnt more about your world and about yourself, for if the pain that hurt so much, that loss of something that once meant so much can’t affect you on such a fundamental level, it makes for a number of difficult questions.

How much did it actually mean to you? and more importantly are you really letting it go by not letting yourself be sad- not being in pain? To go through and take on that pain is the key to the new beginning, and to me the key to finding a happier place in life.

It can seem like an impossible task though. As we spend time being sad, spend time living in the thoughts and feelings that an end, or even the feeling that an end is coming will give you, when everything feels so saturated in emotion and the confusion seems like it will never fade, like your almost floating, never expecting to be able to find your feet as the floor has been taken away from beneath you, like a tablecloth was pulled from the grand table, only for all the crystal glasses and ornate china to go crashing to the floor. Its a scary thought, and generally scary is not a positive thing. Is this is a good thing when it comes to your thinking evolution and the new beginnings that could be the make or break of who you are? Surely it should be the start of something.

I’m not stupid though, or not stupid enough to see that this idea, this need for new beginnings is always going to be tinged with the sadness of the last end and in the fear of the loss, of the pain and envious sensations of what once was. Its almost like we have a desire for our life to change, to be able to not need to defend and surrender to the desire, to the potential for pain and hope and trust that it won’t turn around and stab you in the back.

I am forever persistent though,  in my stubborn lack of faith in beginnings. We have all, in our own way, fought for domination over our own thoughts. We have hoped for new beginnings to be different, for things to change again and again to be left only with the sorrowful sensation left by an ending. It makes you wander about whether beginnings and the brilliance they can bring are worth the pain of their end. This obsessive awareness, this battle, that voice in your head, when all the good could easily come crashing down,  destroy your grand plans for life, it makes for a dramatic, hopeful desire to maintain a well filtered, manufactured controlled form of thinking. While this isn’t going to cause any pain, from loss or from an ending, its balanced by the fact it doesn’t really cause anything.

I guess its all down to risk. You put yourself out there before, you were there in a moment of your life where all that mattered was that instant,  just a minute of time in this forever hectic world you spent with someone who means so much to you, just a second that left such a mark on who you are to cause your own mental evolution. Then, for whatever reason, things happened and that change in your life, that beginning that was the green light for such a powerful thinking evolution was gone.

Pain, while it’s difficult to deal with, is always going to be a part of your life, a part of my life, a part of the world full stop. It will always be there, and it will never be pretty. Things will always end, and it will always be sad. More importantly simply not beginning anything to avoid the end doesn’t solve the problem, it just avoids the problem, leaving you concentrating not on living your life for those beautiful moments, but instead concentrating on avoiding the beginnings that could be critical to making you happy.

Maybe that’s the key. What if the pain of the ending is the way the new beginning makes us feel so good and brings us so much closer to being happy? More than the risk of sadness, of loss and misery in the face of the new beginning, what if you were simply learning? You were in pain, drowning in emotion not really seeing a way out. The beginning make its different though, you have a goal and its almost like a weight is lifted beyond the pain you feel. You don’t ever lose the pain though, you learn from it. You see what happened before, the path that led you to the ending that was tainted with such sadness and see that you have been able to get through that pain. You are stronger because of it, as well of the fact were a similar situation to occur, then you would have the means to do things differently.

We have always believed there is nothing worse than pain, especially the pain that comes with endings. If we look at pain differently though, use that pain and what we have learnt to continue to live the way we want to, for the outstanding moments in life that make you feel so dam special it cannot really be explained. If we can learn and evolve from pain, when you put yourself out there and trust that the good times will begin again, maybe, in our own way, we can live more peacefully. Maybe even be happy.

An interesting thought- no?

Yours, with love as always.


PS: Talking of new beginnings I’m working on something for the fast approaching 1st anniversary of Thinking Evolution.

Random picture


The Power of a Smile

Good evening ladies and gentleman

I found myself not two or three days ago staring down the barrel of a remarkably complex mental quandary, that led me to a thinking about something i am fairly confident we don’t really pay attention to, for its something so familiar, something just there, forever popping up throughout modern life, so fleeting in nature for the few seconds its there, in just a flash of beauty before its gone forever. Not faded though, for the lasting effect it can have, even though its so simple.

Let me quickly set the scene. Out with friends, buying drinks quite late into the night. Buying singles from the bar, only to find myself with the application of a smile from a beautiful woman, much more comfortable with buying doubles. Now I’m more than aware that i was totally suckered into buying more drinks by said woman, this i something I am happy to admit to. It happens and we could try and figure it out all night. She was beautiful, i had been drinking, whatever. I don’t blame her, she was doing her job and after the initial irritation i moved on and carried on enjoying the night. It did however, get me thinking about the power of a smile, in particular what it can do for you mentally and what it could do to you emotionally.

Now i’m not sure if this is true, but its something i heard once, that regardless of its truth is remarkably interesting. If  you ever feel nervous, maybe for an upcoming event, a meeting, a date, a concert, anything that was giving you all of those signs you were starting to feel the pressure. The hairs standing on the back of your neck, the clammy hands, the butterflies in your stomach, the slight tremor showing you that something is coming and you can’t be sure how its going to turn out. You are nervous, and its not feeling this sensation that scares you, but the element of the unknown, the element that has found its way into your life that in turn has created this “nervousness. To smile, to think of something good, something funny, something beautiful, something old, new, a moment in your life, a moment you treasure, a person you treasure with all your heart. As your face moves and the smile comes about, there is an idea that you are calmed and at least temporarily the nerves are subsided.

Regardless of the psychological or physiological nature behind this, i believe it is true, purely from my own experiences, something which to me is a remarkably good illustration of how positively powerful a smile can be. Its effects, while fleeting,  are quite an amalgamation of thoughts and feelings. When feeling low, down, miserable- whatever you want to call it, for someone or something to illicit a smile from what can at times feel like your broken soul is so beautiful. Just for a second, you become lost, not in all the noise, not in the fear of not knowing, of losing, of feeling, just in the the warm sensation of the memory, not in the details, just the joy you felt, when in the present moment you get the feeling that the pain will never fade. Even though in our own way. For a smile to cut through that is outstanding.

Back to the example we were talking about earlier, what i found interesting is my initial reaction to something as simple as seeing someone smile. Away from the obvious result of spending more money, the fact she smiled caused me to smile too, like in a way saying that smiling is  infectious. Her smiling caused me to smile and this, even if just for a second, a blip in the timeline of my forever tumultuous and often questionable life decisions seemed as close to perfect as possible, for there in that moment, all the noise seemed so meaningless, like seeing the sun pop back up from just over the horizon as the inky blackness of night disappears, as you see someone you love for the first time in so long, as they laugh with you at the world as you share something so brilliantly unique.  I guess, in fairly simple terms, smiling, and seeing someone else smile makes us…happy.

Away from feeling nervous about life and love, of all the rubbish and bullshit it can seem life is constantly hurtling at you, trying to drag a good mood through the bushes, to win the good fight for your mental independence in some warped desire to confine you and your wonderful thoughts and feelings to a box that can be molded and manipulated. Then take something as simple as a smile and all of this seems to fall into some odd level of insignificance. With everything that’s going on in the world at the moment it can seem like the easiest thing to do, the best thing to do is to back down, to admit defeat in the fight, to surrender to the desires of an easy life and let its power wash over you. I think we should try and surrender more, but not to defeat, to something far simpler and something much more beautiful.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing, as I’m sure you know. I made a mistake, in my judgement of that smile. I jumped immediately to the conclusion i had been played, and as soon as the “falseness,” the manufactured happiness i have a natural loathing of had dictated the way i behaved, it lost some of its beauty. Now I’m not saying we should ignore what is an obvious reality, but take things more as they are. There was a moment, and there was a smile. It was there one second and gone the next. If we surrender more to these moments and you let them flow throughout even the darkest part of your  mind, then maybe, just maybe, we can have more of these moments where we can feel so fucking brilliant, even if just for a second.

Furthermore if we are all for learning of life, love and everything in between, then maybe through surrendering to the simple beauty of a smile, be it from your or as part of a moment you share with someone, it might give you confidence, give me confidence, to put yourself in unfamiliar situations, in places where you may not now the result, where you may feel good, you may get to smile, to laugh and to be happy. I think we all have this natural awareness, this fail safe to avoid situations that may make you feel “sad,” feel lost, miserable or envious of someone or something. However, if we can feel so good, even if just for a second because of a smile, maybe its worth the risk, for the power of the smile can do so much more to us than we could ever imagine.

I feel like it could be worth the risk, because it could make us so much more. All through the power of a smile

What do you think? What does the power of a smile do to you? Let me know through the usual social media or comment below.

Yours, with love as always.


Random picture





Good evening ladies and gentleman

Recently, through a cloud of feeling and perhaps more importantly worrying about aspects of my life, i started to wander if I have, somehow, done something wrong. Have i made a wrong turn somewhere that means my desires, hopes and dreams now seem infinitely further away? If not, then what has led to the creation of this cloud of fear, of doubt? This sensation that everything and everyone that means anything to me are sort of fading, like i have to sit there and watch these beautiful powerful people and brilliant ideas just go. Why do i feel like the world is evolving, leaving me behind?  What causes me to think that everything good as soon as i realize how truly brilliant it is will from then on, only fade into nothing but memories, stories of how good things were?

In modern society, paying attention seems so second rate to how beautiful we think five minutes away would be. Its as if we have a constant need to look five minutes ahead, to see far enough ahead to avoid all the pain, all the misery, to see far enough through all the noise to hope the beauty will still be there when you get there, even if it does seem only five minutes away. we are sort of constantly looking five minutes ahead.

However, i feel like we miss the point of this by trying to see it coming, even though we are completely unaware of this. As you catch up with your mind whose constantly been trying to see whats happening and how you should react, a beautiful emotional fucking spectacular moment you may have been alone to witness, or you may have shared with someone that means so much to you that them being a part of that moment makes it so much more special, is already fading. Everything fades, i admit, but recently, it has started to feel like everything is fading so fast, I’m not really getting the chance to be in the moment, for all of its glory.

This is where the whole “cloud” thing comes in, for the fact that as i have spent longer and longer thinking about everything, why am i thinking like this? What is causing the fearful sensation that everyone who means so much to me eventually and inevitably fading away from me? Through evolution, through moving through their lives and just doing their thing. After a while you start to wander, why should you be in their lives, for sometimes, in moods like this, I feel like I’m not all i can be. You start to wander as you yourself fade away from the person you want to be, what should remain?

For if we continue on this path, regardless of the details of the journey, the result is the same. We end up…alone. The problem is the “stubbornness” we all seem to possess in modern say society, avoiding the problem of attempting acceptance.  We are persistent in trying to predict whats happening, not wanting to be in the right now for the fear of not seeing something in the future, as the brilliance of the present is forever fading away.

What if though, in these predictions, skewed by your beliefs of the world and yourself, you sensed a loss of control in your situation, lost hope, or someone that mattered more than anything to you. This, to me, is truly scary, for to experience loss like that, especially of someone who means so much is destructive, in that it takes you apart to the barest of bones, leaving you so down you may never know what up even means afterwards.

As at that moment, it feels like the pain will never fade.

So you run. Make the cuts, deal with what you hope will minimize the loss and mean the fading process will be cut short, by just tearing at the heart strings, and just avoid dealing with the consequences. We do this for we fear the pain of the real loss, anticipate that it will be so much worse if it was to become a life event in what we have made our emotionally complicated lives. Deluded by fear though, we miss something in trying to avoid the faded moment becoming nothing more than memory flashes of what could have been. Everything is sad when its gone, the way you get there is always only half the story. We fear that as the moments fade, the moments that connected us to the world and the people in our lives that make you feel good, that have your back, that are there to celebrate the good moments and be there through all the bad ones. Its terrifying to think that you will never experience that again, as the person you were in the moment fades into the background noise of modern life. . As much as you may try to convince yourself that being alone isn’t the end of the world, that the noise can be managed to still be something, to be connected on that level can effect everything more than you could possibly imagine.

To open yourself up to this is difficult though, because as the mental cloud grows and grows as you start to feel more and more, resulting in you feeling everything at once, from fear, to anger, to shame, to envy, to desire, to surrender, to even a horrible sense of powerlessness. This is the consequence of trying to deal with this idea of your life fading away, regardless of whether you feel like you can control it or not. Its a terrible sensation, scary and confusing, for one second you feel confident you have made a good move and avoided something, for the next second to be so drowned in pain you end up fearing what might happen next more than any fade will ever make for.

You hope it will pass and the pain will fade by not dealing with it, for if we avoid it, the pain will never get in. The point of it all i think, is not to give yourself hope. For hope, improperly dealt with, can feel like such a punishment. As things fade, hope is critical for continuing in the positive and lifted way we hope to continue living in, even though it can sometimes feel like you are living in the realms of a far distant fantasy. Its as if hope is really important, yet can seem so unfamiliar.

I have wandered about the issue of fading, for to fade away from the realities of modern life can often seem like the key to being more successful. This way you don’t feel alone, don’t have to deal with losing someone and even though you will sometimes feel lost, feel alone and sad at what you haven’t experienced, at least it wont be that painful. To think this will mean you don’t have to be alone, you won’t have to deal with the world makes what pain you have infinitely worse, for it distracts you from everything as you end up feeling so much, it becomes the thought you live for, drowning in the regret of what could have been.

I don’t really understand how we navigate this problem  of fading. I don’t really understand what it is. I think its very easy to become encapsulated by this single thought though, losing all sense of hope, of evolution, of life and love as you end up nothing more than a painting on the wall as the people you love go on living.

How do you deal with this? What is this idea that I sometimes feel as if fading into insignificance will be less painful than the loss itself? What is worse to you?

Yours, in confusion, but with love as always,


Random picture


Attempted Acceptance

God evening ladies and gentleman

I have found myself in an almost remarkable state of perpetual motion recently,  feeling like I’ve lost something by standing still. Its as if I’ve been driving through life,  as the wheels spin, the engine is revving louder and louder for you to only spray mud all over your car and not go anywhere. I wander if this is the result of the recent beleaguered and complex thought processes and maybe even overthinking, but this thought of “living forever” and doing all you can to make your mark on the world in the short time you have here made me realize how easy it is to feel small, to feel almost insignificant.

The problem is, when something like this takes residence in your mind, it seeps into everything. All your grand plans, the dreams that you long for and the desires you yearn for. Still, to me, this thought,  this feeling, happens for a reason, through a mood, an idea, a process or a behavior. Its all adding up to something. Its building up, higher and higher into the skies of your mind. Whether you notice it or not, whether its something you do consciously or in the shadows of the mediocrity in your everyday life, you, your life, or someone, is trying to tell you something.

However, this is easier said than really understood, for in modern society we can be very stubborn, even against ourselves. You could ignore this for so long, it could eventually mean you end up “accepting” your situation, even though what you desire couldn’t be further from the life you have resigned yourself to.

But even then, i don’t think this is really “acceptance.” To get to that point in your life when you can see no other way, when the choices have “dried up” and your path is limited to this tiny alleyway, this is not accepting your fate. This is giving up trying, this is losing hope you will ever move forward as you let go of what remains of your drive and accept what you feel is inevitable. As things build up, as we feel things more and more powerfully, as you emotionally respond to thoughts and feelings in a way you never normally would, every part of you is screaming to get your attention, to help you feel good, to feel better in a time you don’t know what’s happening anymore. The question is- should you listen? should i listen?

What are we trying to tell ourselves though? I choose to believe we are trying to understand that what’s happening in our lives, be in relation to people, to our hopes and dreams or the situation you currently find yourself in. Through all this we feel, that a change needs to happen, be it in your life, or in your mind,  because judging by the way you feel something needs to happen. From an emotionless perspective, to have someone,  something in your life that you don’t like, or are scared of, you would simply remove it, like cutting away the mold from your bread or deleting a number from your phone.

Sounds simple, but its anything but simple. The result of not doing anything can lead to you feeling like there’s no point in doing anything, as you lie in bed first thing in the morning waiting for the alarm to go off, wandering how you might achieve anything today, not expecting anything more or less than yesterday or the day before that.

We all want that little victory. The only way we are ever going to do this though, when it feels like there is no other way, is through accepting a change is coming, and welcoming it the best way you can.

Take the example of people. I figured out the other day, for all of the time i spend distant and thinking about all sorts of topics, something remarkably simple, and quite beautiful. You have friends, they come, they go and that is that. To be close to someone though, especially these days, is rare. Rarer still is when you realize that for all someone means to you, to understand that you mean something in whatever capacity to someone who means so much to you, is all the more powerful, because it creates a connection.

The key to it all seems to be, not wanting to accept what we know to be true. Its like we don’t want to accept a truth we know is real and could make us feel so much more than good, so fucking brilliant if we were to just try to accept it for just being outstanding. For if you do this, if you allow yourself that moment, that moment of fleeting clarity that means you feel a certain beautiful moment, or the change you want to bring about in your lifestyle, or more generally an evolution you want to bring out in yourselves. If we do this, the results could be truly revolutionary.

Its the battle you have, as I do within myself everyday, as it builds and builds to the point you can’t ignore the wave of change coming into your life, be it good or bad. The choices become much clearer in this compulsive state of mind.  We can’t keep sitting still, the tiredness you are experiencing is driving you only in faster circles as your mind is trying to tell you something, that you need to take action, for the good of your life and the dreams you work towards. Its always going to be a choice though, to stand in what seems like an endless revolving door without an exit or try to take action, to at least attempting to accept change is happening.

The alternative, this (attempted) acceptance is, to me, so important for the evolution of each of us through life, for  if we at least give this change, this person and this knowledge of life a chance, it could show you all the joy and beauty life could bring, as you live you life in such as way that the beautifully present moments and experiences would make for so much more than you could ever imagine while being sat spinning in the mud.

This fight is the good fight, for it takes you onto that next, much scarier level. To accept something, no matter how much you know it to be true, constitutes it being important and that it matters to you. This is a precious thing not to be messed with or thrown around, for it could destroy everything you are very easily if it wanted to, leaving you lower and falling further than you could ever understand. It terrifies us, to allow people, ideas or experiences to matter i think. To accept something, someone feeling something for you, feeling something for them, a change in your lifestyle, way of thinking, your job, the people in your life, anything. You were always capable of doing this, for as you have become heightened emotionally and physically to everything you experience, your trying to tell yourself to let go and accept whats happening for what it is, as we accept that change is happening and this, while scary, is you living your life.

If we can accept a change, if we can accept something we already know, its almost like a relief, a huge weight off your shoulders. Its like your mind no longer needs to shout, for you’ve started listening.

What do you think of acceptance? Is there something you should accept? What is the difference between accepting a situation, and accepting something you already know?

Yours, with love as always