Good evening ladies and gentleman
I wander, often aimlessly, through my Palace of Darkness. This mental playground, a battlefront surrounding the inner darkest parts of my soul from everything and everyone. My Palace has protected me for so long, it has been a sanctuary as i try to do something worthwhile, something meaningful with my life. With the most ironic thing being of late in this ignorance of life to try and find something meaningful, I’m not really sure what the word “meaningful” means anymore.
Its as if, and i know this is a horrible cliche- I’m falling, always falling. I work so hard to be open to life, to love and all of the advantages and pitfalls that have become all to familiar, to let myself get to the point of feeling what passes for happy, to feel something more relevant than the bullshit you listen to yourself go on, on and on about. It’s obviously rare to find something like that and what’s worse, to me at the moment has the potential to be spectacular.
To tell you the truth, no matter of the differences between the person i want to be, the person that i should be and the one i look at in the mirror every morning, i find myself confused. Perhaps because i don’t know where I am or where I’m going, but because once upon a time i was so sure of what was happening in my mind, so sure of what i wanted to be and who i wanted to be. Now though. it feels like i don’t know anything. The distinctions between these people i once felt were so clear and concise have become so much blurrier recently as this new version of myself begins to take centre stage.
Yet somehow as i start to fall through the gaps of these ideas, thoughts and feelings, i find myself yearning to return to the darker parts of the Palace, the wonderfully dark, peaceful, confusing, complicated, odd, misery inducing, fear enticing place i have for so long spent all of my mental down time meandering around.
The Palace has been my “place” for so long, i hate so much about it, but it, when all is said and done and whether i like it or not, is me. When all is said and done, and for what feels like forever now, I have been trying to understand the geography of this ever changing mental landscape, in some hope it would help me understand myself and the world around me a little better. More recently though i find myself confused whether I’m happy, proud, angry, or even wanting to feel anything, because I’ve missed so much previously, in trying to understand myself and what I am. I don’t want it to seem like I’m blaming an idea that is essentially me, but especially recently i wander what i have been missing out on and what has the ability to make me feel so alone.
Being alone doesn’t bother me normally, so why all of a sudden do I feel stuck in the Palace, not really knowing where i am, what I’m doing or where I’m going? Why did i get to the point where i felt alone and it bothered me? I know in the modern world connectivity has become a questionable topic, in the physical, technological and mental sense, but being distant throughout all of these left me lost almost. Sat in the Palace miserable and lonely in a place that i thought was everything to me, only for a development in myself as a person would create a question, and fleck of doubt in something i was so sure of, a confidence shaken in the direction i was going in, something i was once so sure of.
What if I’ve been looking at this the wrong way? What if I’ve been looking at the creation of a feeling that can easily be seen as misery, as running away, as avoiding what I’m doing or feeling in the present moment, the same way i always have? Thinking like this has never really been of any benefit before, so maybe this is where I’ve been going wrong? The question is, am i falling away from the resolve and the person i who choose to be, or is this a period of growth, a test of my mentality to come out the other side a better version of myself.
The argument i have worked to since i started Thinking Evolution has been to “choose to think better feeling thoughts,” and to me, is the most important thing i can ever say, write or live to, because when all is said and done, we are the choices that we make. We can have chemical imbalances, bad days, good days, dramatic fears of loss , loss itself, grieving, misery or depression- the potential list is endless. It can seem like the world is forever looking for ways to bring us down and put a big dent into the resolve we have worked so hard to maintain, the resolve that exists for your creativity, the art you pride yourself on, that makes your heart beat faster and want to jump so much higher. We need this resolve, because its us.
Through all the disappearing into the lower, much darker regions of the Palace, i worry about myself, what i am becoming and what’s happening to my resolve. I hope though, for myself, that things will come good. I guess the main thing to remember, through it all, is that bad times are going to happen. The way i feel right now, living in this mental grand Palace i have devised for myself while locking parts of me away will get better. When you hit the lowest of low points, the only way is up right? I like to think so- i kind of have to.
We have to have days like this, for this is the only way any of us, how I am to grow as a human being and as a man. Without experience, of good days, bad days, misery, happiness, love, hate, irritation, anger, rage and everything in between, what are we really doing- what am i really doing? The times that give me pleasure, that make me feel good may seem so far away right now, but they will come back, for this is what I choose to believe.
I believed i was falling, as i have done so many times before through another period of misery. No, not this time. I am growing through this, soon to come out through the other side with a different perspective, from the same point of view.
For this, when all is said and done- is growth.
Yours, with love as always