Good evening ladies and gentleman
Recently, through a cloud of feeling and perhaps more importantly worrying about aspects of my life, i started to wander if I have, somehow, done something wrong. Have i made a wrong turn somewhere that means my desires, hopes and dreams now seem infinitely further away? If not, then what has led to the creation of this cloud of fear, of doubt? This sensation that everything and everyone that means anything to me are sort of fading, like i have to sit there and watch these beautiful powerful people and brilliant ideas just go. Why do i feel like the world is evolving, leaving me behind? What causes me to think that everything good as soon as i realize how truly brilliant it is will from then on, only fade into nothing but memories, stories of how good things were?
In modern society, paying attention seems so second rate to how beautiful we think five minutes away would be. Its as if we have a constant need to look five minutes ahead, to see far enough ahead to avoid all the pain, all the misery, to see far enough through all the noise to hope the beauty will still be there when you get there, even if it does seem only five minutes away. we are sort of constantly looking five minutes ahead.
However, i feel like we miss the point of this by trying to see it coming, even though we are completely unaware of this. As you catch up with your mind whose constantly been trying to see whats happening and how you should react, a beautiful emotional fucking spectacular moment you may have been alone to witness, or you may have shared with someone that means so much to you that them being a part of that moment makes it so much more special, is already fading. Everything fades, i admit, but recently, it has started to feel like everything is fading so fast, I’m not really getting the chance to be in the moment, for all of its glory.
This is where the whole “cloud” thing comes in, for the fact that as i have spent longer and longer thinking about everything, why am i thinking like this? What is causing the fearful sensation that everyone who means so much to me eventually and inevitably fading away from me? Through evolution, through moving through their lives and just doing their thing. After a while you start to wander, why should you be in their lives, for sometimes, in moods like this, I feel like I’m not all i can be. You start to wander as you yourself fade away from the person you want to be, what should remain?
For if we continue on this path, regardless of the details of the journey, the result is the same. We end up…alone. The problem is the “stubbornness” we all seem to possess in modern say society, avoiding the problem of attempting acceptance. We are persistent in trying to predict whats happening, not wanting to be in the right now for the fear of not seeing something in the future, as the brilliance of the present is forever fading away.
What if though, in these predictions, skewed by your beliefs of the world and yourself, you sensed a loss of control in your situation, lost hope, or someone that mattered more than anything to you. This, to me, is truly scary, for to experience loss like that, especially of someone who means so much is destructive, in that it takes you apart to the barest of bones, leaving you so down you may never know what up even means afterwards.
As at that moment, it feels like the pain will never fade.
So you run. Make the cuts, deal with what you hope will minimize the loss and mean the fading process will be cut short, by just tearing at the heart strings, and just avoid dealing with the consequences. We do this for we fear the pain of the real loss, anticipate that it will be so much worse if it was to become a life event in what we have made our emotionally complicated lives. Deluded by fear though, we miss something in trying to avoid the faded moment becoming nothing more than memory flashes of what could have been. Everything is sad when its gone, the way you get there is always only half the story. We fear that as the moments fade, the moments that connected us to the world and the people in our lives that make you feel good, that have your back, that are there to celebrate the good moments and be there through all the bad ones. Its terrifying to think that you will never experience that again, as the person you were in the moment fades into the background noise of modern life. . As much as you may try to convince yourself that being alone isn’t the end of the world, that the noise can be managed to still be something, to be connected on that level can effect everything more than you could possibly imagine.
To open yourself up to this is difficult though, because as the mental cloud grows and grows as you start to feel more and more, resulting in you feeling everything at once, from fear, to anger, to shame, to envy, to desire, to surrender, to even a horrible sense of powerlessness. This is the consequence of trying to deal with this idea of your life fading away, regardless of whether you feel like you can control it or not. Its a terrible sensation, scary and confusing, for one second you feel confident you have made a good move and avoided something, for the next second to be so drowned in pain you end up fearing what might happen next more than any fade will ever make for.
You hope it will pass and the pain will fade by not dealing with it, for if we avoid it, the pain will never get in. The point of it all i think, is not to give yourself hope. For hope, improperly dealt with, can feel like such a punishment. As things fade, hope is critical for continuing in the positive and lifted way we hope to continue living in, even though it can sometimes feel like you are living in the realms of a far distant fantasy. Its as if hope is really important, yet can seem so unfamiliar.
I have wandered about the issue of fading, for to fade away from the realities of modern life can often seem like the key to being more successful. This way you don’t feel alone, don’t have to deal with losing someone and even though you will sometimes feel lost, feel alone and sad at what you haven’t experienced, at least it wont be that painful. To think this will mean you don’t have to be alone, you won’t have to deal with the world makes what pain you have infinitely worse, for it distracts you from everything as you end up feeling so much, it becomes the thought you live for, drowning in the regret of what could have been.
I don’t really understand how we navigate this problem of fading. I don’t really understand what it is. I think its very easy to become encapsulated by this single thought though, losing all sense of hope, of evolution, of life and love as you end up nothing more than a painting on the wall as the people you love go on living.
How do you deal with this? What is this idea that I sometimes feel as if fading into insignificance will be less painful than the loss itself? What is worse to you?
Yours, in confusion, but with love as always,