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see Good evening ladies and gentleman

So i find myself wandering, not about modern society, but about something as equally enormous and infectious as I can perceive it to be. A world ran by social media, in which we post things convinced the world is gaining insight into who we are and that someone cares about this rare look into a mind designed to look “interesting” and “popular.” This is our world and it is up to us what we do with it and in particular how we react to things, not the rest of the world.  I have found myself so deep down in hate the last few weeks, so lost in anger and rage at just everything, for this was my crutch and the way i believed i was staying in control of my mind.

Most ironically, convinced i was living the right way, using these ideas, these emotions of powerful negativity that if felt even for a morning can drain even the most positive person of all the joy they thought they would ever be able to feel. You lose a part of yourself living like this, for when you think about it, it kills a part of you, the part that feels..anything. As when you or I get so lost in something so dourly negative, a situation, emotion, a friendship that has run its course, a relationship on its last legs, a person you always believed would be in your life in some way- gone in an instant.

As i said last time, it can all happen so fast, often so much so we may not even notice what is happening until it  becomes a distant memory. I was listening to the acceptance speech for an honorary degree of some form for comedian and writer Tim Minchin- i can’t help but fixate on the same phrase, over and over again i keep hearing this point in my head. Minchin basically says the forever pursuit of a long term dream is a remarkably difficult pursuit to rationalize in the modern world, as he goes on to be a great believer in the pursuit of short term, digestable goals. It does make sense in what i believe the alternative is to this short term goal for life, for the fear, the realization of how huge the dream seems, and how very far from the top of the mountain we find ourselves can be a powerfully awful thing to realize.

So what do we do? We hide. I hide, you do it, we are all guilty of it in some way. Right now even, you are thinking about the hiding you have done or may be doing, even as you read this. Before you going turning me off- understand that especially recently i am all for hiding, to taking the consolation prize. This way the world remains in our control, we see what we want to see, hear what we want to hear and feel what we think we want to feel.

I’ve always been confused by this sentiment, even though there is an argument for the powerful brilliance behind it. To “feel the way we want to feel” is, when you think about it, impossible, because we have no control over how we feel. When we wake up, as we move through the day, as we climb back into bed and as we sleep. The way we feel is essentially a collection of reactions to things happening throughout the day, week, month and year- etc. etc.

We have no control over the way we feel, so in my experience when “feeling” becomes overwhelming, we go the opposite way entirely and work harder than we ever thought we could to feel absolutely nothing, to hide from the thoughts and feelings that are so often hard to admit to the existence of.  What do we do when we don’t like something we feel? We hide from it- hiding is what it all comes down to.

Another good way of seeing this is through a point made by Mo Gawdat in a video i was watching on the internet recently, the perfect way to me, to describe how confusing life can be, how easy it can be to hide from it all. Its beautiful, if we can see the choices we have, for everything is just that- a choice.

Gawdat goes on to talk about how the world is forever trying to define happiness, to the point where its modern day interpretation has lost all meaning, because happiness is forever being replaced by fun. We struggle to find that content, calm, beautiful moment in life in which we are happy, its so rare these days it sometimes feels like you will never be able to find that euphoric sense of occasion ever again, so we hide from it in fun. We go out, see friends, go to the club, hit up a gig, fill your brain with something, anything, that essentially means we are not thinking, we are doing something that means we see and feel nothing, distracted by an event that is doing all it can to help us ignore the present reality and the possibility that we aren’t as happy as we would like to be.

Is that even a thing? Is there a point in all of our lives where we are able to not get “happier” and through this same logic are we even able to be truly happy? I like to think we have our own understanding of happy, and the scale of it, to you or me as an individual is frankly meaningless. It’s the hiding that confuses me so much more. Through anything, through feeling something different, through feeling nothing at all, or to saturating your mind with cat videos, Snapchat streaks, Instagram stories and just general “fun.”

Why do we hide? What is the desire to run from what is essentially who we are? Why take the consolation prize and hide in the power of emotional negativity? What are you and I needing to hide from so badly that we allow such misery and pain to wash over with such power to drag you deeper into the darkness with what seems like a possibility of a way out?

Yours, with love as always

DR x

 

The Irritation of Happiness

Good evening ladies and gentleman

Once upon a time, I was able to experience thoughts, feelings and ideas in what i believed to be a rational way, be it something that exists in my present or related to memories from my past. Emotions are good and make up the backbone of who we are, but fuck they make us stupid. Confused, irrational, jumpy people leaping at chances for happiness that could cause the heights of mesmerizing beautifully ridiculous happiness. I write this in such a way to make it sound like a terrible thing, something we should all be trying to avoid. It is anything but that. It should be embraced, as I have been trying to the best i can recently. However it does seem to put my previous more rational abilities at a a disadvantage of sorts. As at this point its as if i need to combat more of who i am to try and figure out a world that for so long i had no interest in.

More recently, i have found happiness , whether faked or not, really, really irritating. This whole obsession we have with telling the world everything they don’t want to know, forcing us to see Snapchat, Instagram and any other way they can scream out loud to everyone else, all the time, about how incredibly happy they are is just so irritating to me recently. Now i know this make me just sound like a cynical, angry little man, but as i write this, sadly, in this mood it might not be a totally unreasonable description.

I find myself irritated by happiness. As a definable concept, happiness doesn’t exist, but i feel confident to say it is something i have experienced before. I often don’t notice until the moment has passed, gone deep into the memories, locked away in another corner of the Palace of Darkness. I like being happy, for all its rarity. Its a calming effect on all the thinking, the feeling, the fear, the anxiety. You sit, stand or just be, in a single moment, without any real sensations about anything, other than just being there. Its beautiful. The way life should be.

Perhaps connected to my new found irritation for happiness in any form is the death of a particular connection,  as the timing between the two does seem to make for a connection. Since the untimely demise of this connection unlike anything else i had previously experienced, i have been struggling with happy people. I hate myself for this, because the whole point of life is to be happy, whether its real or not, whether it makes sense to a third party like me or not. Your happiness is your happiness and there’s nothing anyone can do to understand, or more importantly control this.

This again, caused another brainwave, this one less fortunate. I find happiness difficult to tolerate, not because i don’t like it, or because i find myself dourly negative about the world – among all the stereotypes or boring ideals people have an awful tendency to surround themselves with. The issue is me- just me, reacting like i so often doing, to losing something, or someone, that whether i like it or not and whether i want to admit to it or not, had an effect on my happiness. I don’t hate happiness, i find happiness irritating because for a while, i have felt like i lost my happiness. I had something for a while, it was good- and then it was gone.

I know how I’m supposed to feel when i lose connections that i thought were special. I’ve seen it hundreds of times before across TV and through my friends over the years. In many ways, I have been able to study how you are supposed to feel in such a place of loss, for at one point in my life i was somehow convinced knowing how to react to something that i didn’t expect to happen would be beneficial. I find myself concentrating on this at the ignorance of everyone and everything else, pushing myself harder and harder to think further and further outside of my normal realms of reality.

I don’t know if you do this, but it’s as if i’m trying to flood myself with as many emotions as possible, anger, rage, fear jealousy, happiness, awe- everything. I know i should be in pain, i should be sad, crying even, soaking in so much negative emotion and pain at a loss of something so beautiful. It was a rare, fleeting type of connection and while it wasn’t for very long, i feel like i should feel more than this. Surely….

I should feel something. I’ve felt more than ever before the last few months, so much that to this day makes no sense, for it to all disappear really is something, To feel nothing 95 percent of the time is something else. I find there is an irritation to be found in other people’s happiness to me because something as simple as a memory, a flash, an instant in time that feels ground into the walls of my forever changing Palace of Darkness has changed a part of me, pr more the way i feel about it.

An instant in time, that once made me nothing but happy, reacting with nothing but a smile, tainted by no negativity, pain, nothing. It was there, a memory, a blip in the complicated process of life where nothing else mattered. It still makes me happy to remember this in my weaker moments, when I am isolated, when I am alone. When there is no irritation in happiness to be found, i look for it in myself. I find something once so pure and as near perfect as it could be- now tainted by pain, by the negativity and loss of something that caught my interest like nothing else has.

I feel nothing so often these days these moments are precious, but i don’t have to enjoy them and the fleeting moments of happiness they sometimes bring.

Feels like i’m more withstanding them.

Hard to say at the moment, i seem quite the complicated emotionally dramatic mess- would explain why finishing this took so long.

Yours, with love as always.

DR x

Secondary Emotions

Good evening ladies and gentleman,

So i was diving around the random peculiarities of the internet recently, due to suffering through a recent period of boredom and a subsequent sensation of stagnation, for not to unnecessarily quote Sherlock Holmes, but my mind really does rebel at stagnation. I just can’t deal with it, aimlessly distant,  scouring every detail of my life, all of the information on a subject or particular person, no matter how important or relevant the details may b. I have found that i seem to almost have an obsession to be lost in a puzzle, a desire to wander aimlessly through the seemably never ending complexities of some ideological, philosophical behavior that, rationally speaking anyway, doesn’t make sense when you look at it from  a certain perspective.

Now as I’m sure you know, if you don’t understand something, be it a problem in your mind or a behavior presented to you, be it by yourself, someone you care about or don’t even know, looking at a fresh perspective may help you understand. To take a step back and consider the wall you find yourself at, to look at it a different way and hopefully find a way through the problem. I choose to believe the key to this new perspective is steeped heavily in favor of emotion. Irritation is something i have found to cloud your mind and in particular your perspective when attempting to learn and subsequently understand something about yourself, or something in your life, for the fact its such a consciously soul drenching power. It seeps into every crack, irritation, anger and rage. Its powerful, destructive and will be the end of who we are and everything we want to be if we let it.

What if we ignore the problem for now then and concentrate on the emotion. Anger, irritation, rage and so on. This is where my jaunt across the more philosophical speeches of the internet led me to in that, essentially, there is so much more to anger, as irritation or fury so powerful you feel yourself shaking, for these feelings are more secondary to a more primary emotion.

I’ve heard this extract repeated a number of times in a number of different speeches, but as Elizabeth Kubler said:-

“There are only two emotions: love and fear. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions from fear. From love flows happiness, contentment, peace, and joy. From fear comes anger, hate, anxiety and guilt. It’s true that there are only two primary emotions, love and fear. But it’s more accurate to say that there is only love or fear, for we cannot feel these two emotions together, at exactly the same time. They’re opposites. If we’re in fear, we are not in a place of love. When we’re in a place of love, we cannot be in a place of fear.”

What if the way we deal with situations feelings or events that seem so saturated in emotions of powerlessness, of pain, anger, longing and jealousy all have a starting point- these secondary emotions a cloud for some larger issue? What if, as Kubler says, it all comes from somewhere, in that every secondary emotion, like anger jealousy, lust or happiness, has a starting point in the realm of a primary emotion, be that a place of love, or a place of fear.

She goes onto say more about emotions, focusing in particular on these two starting points for what can only be described for everything you experience across all aspects of your life, from when you were a small child crying because you were hungry, or as tears tumble from those big blue eyes as someone you care about, someone you love comes into to view after so long, a vividly powerful reminder of how fleeting life can be.

It’s this power that makes her point all the more important in understanding what these two primary emotions can do to us, for they are complete opposites. We have problems all the time, in all walks of life, this is inevitable. Along with this problem, there is an emotion we feel with it, anger, rage, happiness and so on. Emotions, especially i think the secondary emotions can massively affect clarity and judgement, leaving your understanding of life and your own self severely clouded. This results in you thinking of every possible scenario in which things can go wrong, living in the emotion and letting it break you down until you barely recognize yourself anymore.

So what if we tried to look further into the emotion, in the way Kubler has presented? We understand that every emotion we experience has a starting point, either in fear, or in love. These emotional states are arguably totally opposite to on another, so cannot be experienced at the same time. So we know that every emotional experience is arguably coming from either a place of fear, or a place of love. What if we could step back, take a look at what ails you from another perspective, look closer at yourself or the relationship, connection or issue that causes you confusion, anger, rage or happiness. Any of these things start in fear, or love.

What if we could understand what creates that fear in you, understand that sometimes fear is a good thing as you cloud your mind with rage during an argument, maybe you fear losing that person, or when you smile at a photo of your friends, you realize what you always knew in how important they are.

Fear & Love. So very important to what makes you, you. Every emotional experience is a result of one of these emotions. Maybe if we understood how, or why in a particular situation, we could break through these walls towards who and where we want to be?

And if we could do that, i feel we would be living true and pure to ourselves.
Which would be outstanding.

Yours, with love as always,

DR x

Wanting & Needing

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman

So, a point I’ve probably made fairly clear at this point that the world has a horrible habit in showing its true self in the most complicated way, to me. More recently the world has become some mercilessly complex its been getting harder and harder to keep up, but after months of trying i may have finally figured out a puzzle i thought i would never understand. A puzzle not of the world and the forever changing society we find ourselves in, but of the people living in it- us basically.

As i have argued a number of times before, i am convinced we, as humans are goal orientated, be it in the short term, say you put coffee in a mug first thing in the morning and with the addition of water you get to the goal of making your coffee, or on a larger scale, maybe in owning your own home or changing the world and the way you see it. There are hundreds of ways you can change your life in both a big and small way, but its the influences people can have on you that are most powerful, through what you want, who you want, then perhaps more powerfully and potentially much more dangerously someone you might feel you need in your life. What/who do you want in your life- for the brilliantly positive effect they may be having on you? Then compare this to the desire of need, or perhaps more appropriately- “to be needed.”

Truth is, for as long as i have reverberated around this puzzle i have come no closer to figuring it out, the idea of “needing” and “wanting” a particular connection or relationship or a certain desire to be a part of your life, the more i think about it, the more confused i become by it all.  The idea of “needing” someone in your life because of what they give you or what they make you feel be it on a regular basis or in the times you spend together has always been a difficult thing to concede to, for it feels almost like an emotional dependence on that person, like them being the person you imagine them to be, the person you choose to believe they will always be, has to be there in some way for you to be content, and subsequently happy.

Take my new connection, which as i write this is not as new now, but she makes my point. We talked a lot through various different methods and i find myself wanting her in every way i know and the other ways i didn’t even think i was capable of. However to need her denotes some form of positive emotional dependence, a way of avoiding negative emotions and avoiding pain in some far flung idea that if you have something powerful, something beautiful you don’t really ever have to feel down, to lose yourself in the negativity again. However, i have become astute enough to know being down and out, being lost in my own head is always going to find a way back in, for life is not always supposed to be good, whether she is a part of my life or not.  I say this like its a bad thing but at times i’m glad the negativity finds its way back in. Why? Because this way i understand how much good there is in my life.

These ideas- “wanting” and “needing” are remarkably similar, what we want and may subsequently need at certain points of a connection with a person, be it in a friendship, a family orientated connection or with a person you care about deeply to the point where they mean a lot to you.  You can be confident and live to your own beat, do what you have to do and live life to the fullest without the need for people whatsoever, but the resulting loneliness can be more destructive than any “want” or “need” imaginable. For we need to feel this pain, this heart wrenching soul crushing destruction to see what how much higher we could reach, if we could believe in the “risk” we are taking to take ourselves higher than we ever thought we could go.

We don’t need people, but we want to share our lives with someone. This seems an obvious thing for we have, in my opinion, a need to find happiness. We cannot find happiness in emotional dependence, for this is like holding a great weight and simply passing it on to the person in question, for life could be so much more, especially these days if we simply took one end of the weight and them the other. A connection you have with someone who wants to be a part of your life and subsequently wants to make your life a much more beautiful, powerfully emotionally positive place is surely a remarkable thing, for all of sudden things don’t seem so heavy.

To want, and to need has never been to do with people, its to do with the emotional make up of me and you that gives us the ability to think and feel better feeling thoughts. We can want and need for anything, if we can choose to be open to life, to sharing it with those we care about, be it in relationships, friendships and in your family.

You be open to the world and open to the potential beauty those connections could offer, you won’t need for this or that, you will have desires to simply experience life. Get past wanting things, people and this idea we need people. We need to experience life, for this is what makes us who we are, with the added pleasure, wander and beauty of having someone along for the ride. This way you’re desire to experience life could be taken to that next level, sharing this moment with someone who needs for nothing more than being in this near perfect moment, with you.

That’s where i think want lies for most people. That’s what true emotional desire really is.

To me anyway.

Yours, with love as always.

DR x

New Years Resolutions- Change?

Good evening ladies and gentleman

So. We find ourselves in the light of a new dawn. 2018. A new year, for new challenges to overcome, problems and puzzles to question and a vast quality of beautiful brilliance to bask in, hopefully similar to what i spring will bring (please go away cold.)  I find myself at a disadvantage, with my work dwindling the last few months, its almost been like my brain has been grinding to a halt, almost like I’ve been struggling to keep up with myself. Its a rather strange sensation but ideas flow from me often like wildfire spreading across a vast plain,coming up with ideas that could be interesting and beautiful, how we are effected by certain situations, how words can be so powerful and how violence can do so much to destroy: how in the depths of misery or in the highest of joys there is a piece of music created anywhere in the last 500 years or so that could effectively describe how you are feeling, some with so many words each like taking a punch in the gut from Anthony Joshua and others that can make you feel so much without even saying a word.

The natural world is powerfully beautiful place, vistas and places capable of taking even the most cold hearted souls breath away. There is no doubt something so utterly naturally brilliantly beautiful about the world that could inspire change in anyone to move forward throughout their lives in this new year, to a point. That point being the thing in this universe far more evolutionary than any form of natural beauty could ever bestow upon us.

That “thing”- us.

My point being far more than any natural beauty could provide us, no matter how provocative, we are always going to take it to that next level and bring about that change, no matter how evolutionary or revolutionary it might be. We, as the spiritual, powerful, intuition following, living a life of often heart wrenching hope and (whether we like to admit to it or not) sometimes emotionally dramatic people has given society more creative wander and brilliance than can be measured, seen or really even understood. We, as people, are incredible and are so much more powerful than we will ever believe ourselves to be. All we have to do is see it. Its at this point i find something taxing on my already mentally stretched mind, in particular during the first few weeks of a new year.

 

NEW YEAR NEW ME- THAT IS MY RESOLUTION

 

I’m not one to assume, as we all know, but in the broadest way i can think to write it, there are what seems like an endless amount of blog posts, Facebook updates, Tweets and stories as we are given valuable insight to someone who i suspect may have written the same thing last year and the year before it and the year before that about what they’re thinking. Even I have been guilty of being so vague- I know i’ve done it, but as i think, i don’t see why a new year, or a resolution for the “new year” is something relevant, for as the year starts anew, why would we suddenly find motivation as the Earth restarts its revolution around the Sun. I’ve always hated them, “New Years Resolutions,” all generally shallow, meaningless stuff we do in some strange belief it will bring a wave of change rolling through life, like its the key to their whole world changing, like going to the gym once or twice before you decide this “change” isn’t for you or trying to cut out a certain food until you “forgot.”

Now i’m clearly being obtuse in that I can’t say all New Year’s Resolutions are as broad and singular at the same time as some of these. What i do find confusing is why this change comes about, just because the year has changed. Nothing really has changed, nothing more than the number at the end of the date, yet we all find ourselves thinking, that things will appear different, or perhaps the more appropriate term less confusing as the festivities of December draw to a close and January has poked its head through the celebration of the new year.

Its almost as if we are going to be able to bring about a dramatic change in ourselves at the beginning of the year, then often by the first week we are questioning the sanity of that decision, generally followed by a fear of inevitable failure and wishing you had never made such a drastically unintelligent decision to make this change in the second week and by the third week most of us have gone back to the way we were before. No more change, no more fear- job done.

“I tried, and that’s what counts.” No, not exactly. If you, me or anyone, start something with the expectation it will go wrong, that you will screw it up or somehow you won’t be able to see it through to the other side, chances are you will never make it. At this point i suspect you find yourself in the vat of memories you would like to avoid, memories of what “could have been.”

As i write to you know, i have so many of those memories and i refuse to make anymore, for the truth is far simpler than i could probably ever write it…

New Year’s Resolutions are odd, strange ideologies that 9 times out of 10 will lead to disappointment. The change in your life, this is the key. Time, in this argument is meaningless, it doesn’t take time to make a decision, to think about something, to do some good or to just make a change that could have a ripple effect across your entire life. This is where the beauty I’ve been talking about comes from. It is just a moment, a second so fleeting you can’t see it when its gone, but when you were there it’s fucking beautiful.

There’s your resolution. Choose to believe in these moments and appreciate the beauty in your world. It doesn’t matter where you are or what your doing, but to choose to see yourself in a different light, to decide that you can do something and there is nothing and nobody that will be able to stop you- that’s true beauty, that’s true power and when all is said and done.

That is true change. So be the change you wish to be- for you.

Yours, with love as always,

DR x

Drive it like you Stole it.

Good evening ladies and gentleman

Truth is, when i first started this, all of this, thinking, whatever it is becoming, i was 16 years old- which feels like a lifetime ago. It has evolved to become Thinking Evolution, but as what is over six years has passed, i have realized how very little i know, and how much i have to learn. In the grand scheme that we all know as life, i don’t think we really know anything. Knowing and learning is very different, for learning is the constantly shape-shifting mystery you can’t predict with any real accuracy.

I’ve probably said this a number of times before, but if you don’t go to bed at the end of each day having learnt something, however big or small it might be, i question why you, why I bothered getting up, because you’re no different to when you went to bed the night before. Always learn, about yourself, about others, about those you care about, those you like, those you love. Then you are being a person, in the world, who wants to simply evolve, for the betterment of life.  I find myself more questioning and curious about the ideas of our world and the society we live in. I find myself scared i guess that the world is against your evolution, my evolution. The world has so much beautiful wander and brilliance at its heart- in all of us. But on the flip side thew world can cause so much pain, to the point where it seems like doing “nothing” is the only way to stop the bleeding.

You get up at the same time every morning. Ring Ring goes the familiar chime of your alarm, as you pick your heavy head up from the pillow where some beautifully euphoric dream was just gaining steam, now nothing more than a memory and within 5 minutes destined to be nothing at all. You stagger to the bathroom, still groggy and not fully awake, run you hand through your hair as you stare yourself in the mirror.

You’ve never understood why you do this. You find yourself staring into the dark abyss of your own pupils, lost in the depths of what lives behind your eyes, what you fear, what you want to be, who you want to be, who you love. You shower, change and rush downstairs, shovel in some of the same cereal you probably had yesterday and get to work, for the jobs you were doing yesterday “aren’t gonna finish themselves.”

…and so on and so forth. Now it is far from me to say whether you enjoy your job or whether you even enjoy your life to any certain degree, but work is going to take up a lot of it. Throughout these periods, from the waking up between Monday and Friday with your head feeling exponentially heavier as the sun comes up to the same mental familiarity of yesterday, as you get up to make that same trade you have been making for longer than most of us even realize. We earn money in our jobs, and the money allows you to buy things, but we aren’t only just making money, we are trading time, trading a part of us.

That’s what i’m stuck thinking about recently. I think a lot of people- myself included, don’t really think when at work, just do. You have the same collection of thoughts everyday, you get up, you go to work, do something remarkably similar to what you did yesterday, go home and eat some food for the primary purpose of not being hungry, watch the next show of the box set you haven’t been really paying attention to anyway and drift on back into the dreams that as the world continues to spin seem so much more inviting.

In terms of thinking, to me, something has been lost. To have a new idea, to create something beautiful, to be something amazing, to be more than your body, a sum of your parts, to truly be a soul that lives with a body rather than the other way around has become almost dream like, which may explain why spending so much longer in a dream has been starting to sound more appealing. Whether it’s been lost in me, or i’m not the only one thinking about this, between everything going on, i have started to wander what we are all working towards, what’s the point of it all, the same consistently dull thinking pattern creating a feeling of remarkable nothing.

Question.

What if we changed the game a little?  We are always going to have to do things we don’t want to, for sometimes there is such a thing as a “necessary evil.” However i question that what we do, whether we have to or not, should be able to dictate the way we think, because we become what we think about. So if you think in the same cycle, misery and inevitable failure being a constant fear, a belief that this is the only inevitable result so why should we even try, then surely this would be the result. “We become what we think about,” so what if we lived life not in the cycle the world has us convinced is the key to it all, but what if we found another way.

If you were to go out tomorrow and steal a car (stick with me,) the chances are more than likely you would be chased by the police. At this point, your speed would increase and the idea of being in “control” would be diminished dramatically, for obvious reasons. Take this idea and look at your life in the same way. What if we could live life to the fullest point where something simple has the potential to be truly fucking outstanding, every single time.

Why not kiss someone like you never want to kiss anyone else, hug closer and tighter to the point you never want to let go, fuck like its the last chance you’ll ever get to, love like you will never need to again. No living life to half measures- live like everything is beautiful and appreciate all the brilliance the world and the people in it can offer you. Live your life glad to just be a part of it all and smile, make everything you do not because someone deserves it, or because you deserve it, but because you want to. Don’t force life for this is like guaranteeing disappointment with a side dish of misery. Live your life as you see fit, go to new places, try new food and be mind blown by the ability of music to sway your emotions to cry with both sadness and beautiful joy.  What other people believe is nothing more than that and if they try to poison your brilliance with their cynical ideologies of “reality” then that’s their problem and not yours.

The world is so far from perfect and so are we, but if we can live like we choose to be with people we care about and people we love then maybe, just maybe,  we get to live our lives as close to perfect as those on Instagram and Facebook would have us believe. Forget the daily thought process. The daily thought process doesn’t let you live a fulfilled and beautiful life, all it does is elongate your existence.

Drive life like you stole it, be it a moment in time, a snapshot that was so beautiful it could never be repeated, where you were just happy to be there. Live for that- for life is too short and time is way too fast. Then maybe we can be happy-

Truly fucking beautifully, brilliantly happy.

Yours, with love as always.
DR

 

The Gatekeeper

Good evening ladies and gentleman.

Recently, i find myself oddly drawn to the issues revolving around my Palace of Darkness. I find myself looking towards the darker, more confusing areas of the Palace, previously unexplored by the mental limitations i had placed upon myself. Furthermore, i find that these avoided, previously unexplored rooms, barricaded so deep in the darkness of my Palace have a Gatekeeper. What is this gatekeeper? Who is this gatekeeper?

Well- it’s me (sort of.) More a version of me I’m not particularly proud, a version i wish didn’t exist, that i had never created. Is it truly a part of what i would consider…me? I have spent a lot of time trying to reassure myself that this is a face i show and nothing more. This isn’t true, for years I have tried to convince myself I am not the Gatekeeper. With everything i have done in an attempt to convince myself i am not the Gatekeeper- its just made so much more confident i am . It is truly the worst part of me.

The Gatekeeper was created many years ago, in what i  believed was hope to “protect” me from pain, from life throwing the dice with what felt like the inevitable consequence of snake eyes. For years and years i felt like this, deciding being alone, admittedly at times even being lonely, was better than pain’s potential, protected from that part of me by my all seeing Gatekeeper. As time has passed though, in particular since the beginning of Thinking Evolution, i am learning more, about the world, the way people think and perhaps most importantly how i think, recently looking at something my Gatekeeper is supposed to “protect” me from…if you could call it that.

Fear.

Fear is a strange enemy, something i guess could be likened to a shape-shifting demon, showing itself in the form that scares you the most, to “protect” you from life. With the reality being to stop you living your life as purely and brilliantly as you imagine you could, living a life of beauty and brilliance and love like nothing else matters. I like to think is we could live this way, to overcome the fear of whatever scares you, that scares me so much.  Its through overcoming that fear that make us truly alive, for if we are scared, terrified even, we are making a decision, we are doing something, anything. This, I choose to believe, this potentially beautiful, brilliant way of being could be the death of you, at the hand of you-  albeit a more fearful, scared, arguably immature version of you, truly the worst version of you- your Gatekeeper.

I have found myself venturing into  the unknown, much darker areas of the Palace, those areas avoided and unexplored- the Gatekeeper happened to be on a break, so off i sauntered.  This unknown is in the form of my unfamiliar new connection, which still remains a place of strange, emotional questions and logic which i have been successfully ignoring for what has been, well… years now. She is unlike anyone else, but there remains more to her than i could ever have imagined previously, a more complex beautifully wonderfully brilliant person, strong and powerful in nature (even though she doesn’t seem to think so,) yet i have still barely scratched the surface.

Everything i do, everything i say, everything i am with her, in terms of DR venturing out into the world as i talked about last time, is unknown. The Gatekeeper is partly to blame for this, so am I, for so long i have been “protecting” myself from so much its hard to understand what exactly is going on and that is where the issues start to surface. I am not fearful of her, like i said shes quite fabulous to me, I find myself venturing back towards a fear of not knowing. I find myself concerned for i am venturing into not knowing a lot, whereas previously in my “padded, protected” world  i  would arrogantly wander round aware of every possibility, because there were never that many. I don’t know what is going on, all i know is that it’s something i want to be a part of.

Surprises me the lengths my mind will go to in order to regain control, for years i was convinced being in control was the key to life, when much more simply- LIVING is the key to life. There are no Gatekeepers, no darkness, the Palace awash with open windows and sunlight billowing through, pictures of trips taken with people I love doing things i never thought I’d do, experiencing everything life can show you and sharing life with yourself, not limiting yourself to the protected, double sealed box away from a world you’re supposed to be terrified of.

The point I’m trying to make is, you are never going to get away from fear, if you are ever going to live. If you look at life in a goal orientated way, in which i believe we all live, you can see that without making a decision, you will never reach a goal and neither of these things come without fears. Decisions you fear the results of, things that make your heart beat faster, the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end, the sort of decisions that could alter your very perspective on life if you were to just give them the chance are the lifeblood of what makes you, you.

They are the sort of moments, as much as i rubbished it earlier, that make you question your understanding of what it means to be perfectly “sane” and needing to be aware of the ramifications and short comings of every decision you will ever make. The alternative often doesn’t bare thinking about, because you imagine its like losing your freaking mind.

Its not losing your mind though, it never was. For as long as I believed this, it was through the filtered vision of the Gatekeeper, a sort of defense for “if i assume its bad, i won’t want any part of it” sort of thing. I was never going to go crazy, you will never lose your mind when making a decision, be it saturated in emotion or with what sandwich to order. Making those strange, oddly wonderful, terrifying decisions to act, in a way that could lead to you never really seeing life that way again is opening your mind, not losing it.

There is fear, so much in life, to the biggest problems of the world to your confusions, my confusions, your fears and mine. I don’t know how this connection works, i am trying the best i can to live in the moment, for that is where the beauty of the connection is founded. I don’t understand, i know that decisions will come, they will be scary, emotionally powerful forces in my life, whether they involve her or throughout other aspects of my life. What i do know though, is these pathways are a key part to living, not simply surviving. So to embrace this fear as my power, to make that decision and to see it through. Just imagine, even only for a second, the heights that could be reached.  Even for this connection, the unknown is powerful, terrifying and has the potential to be near perfect. You’re not supposed to know everything that is going to happen. You just live it as it happens.

I believe we are fearful of being scared and more than anything else, if we can embrace it , then we might get to feel truly alive.

Yours, with love as always.

DR

Being You- Being DR

Good evening ladies and gentleman

So. I have been struggling in how to start this one, to the point where i have been reading through a lot of stuff i wrote much earlier in the development of Thinking Evolution. In particular, the “What I hope we can achieve” page. I was reading this, casually trying to figure out how to formulate and deconstruct the thoughts in my head to make some form of sense and be of some positive use to me beyond the usual result- creating a confused, often irritated mess at the amalgamation of thoughts sensations and feelings i end up seeing in the mirror.

I guess in many ways writing is an expression, my self expression. Is it art? Maybe. Is it just a bunch of words on a page? Also maybe. I suppose, it depends who reads it. The point is, no matter what you do, there is always a difference in seeing and believing, watching and observing, understanding and feeling. You can see a situation and understand that it is bad, good, right or wrong but to feel the nature of the situation, to understand how someone is feeling who may be in that situation in this present moment, or may have been living there for any period of time is a remarkably different sensation to “knowing what is happening.” For without the application of feeling, how much do we really understand?

For a long time, far beyond the existence of Thinking Evolution, i believed understanding the nature of a situation, what the behavior means, how somebody reacts, what someone says, down to the last finite details meant that it could be broken down, deconstructed and understood in a perfectly rational, eas(ier) to digest way. Then it wouldn’t create an emotional reaction in me, so there was no risk of anything unexpected, no problems of “not knowing what to do” in every conceivable situation, because i understood everything, so how could there be a problem?

My understanding of this ideology now is that it was steeped in fear. Fear of the unknown, of not predicting the future, of warping the world to fit my often warped world view and remain so utterly convinced i was right, no matter how much potential for things to change, for me to change, to evolve. It meant that i couldn’t be sure what was going to happen, so i didn’t want to know . I wanted to be right, i felt the only way to be happy was to live a life so filled with predictability and seeing it all coming that in many respects, I haven’t really lived for a very long time, simply existed. Beyond Thinking Evolution, i haven’t really been me. Hence why, even more so now than ever before, DR Is so important.

Simply put, its me. I’ve written for a long time as DR because away from opinions, of supposed “facts” of modern life, of smartphones, loud people shouting their “facts” at you, too scared to process an opinion they don’t agree with, just the way the world often feels like its trying to drag you down, trying to keep you down and out, the creativity, the artistry becoming nothing more than a figment of your imagination. As DR, I am me. As purely and as brilliantly as i possibly can be. I want you to see that you matter, what you think matters, what you feel matters. Its you living your life, nobody else. I want you to smile like nobody’s watching, love like nobody else even thought possible. I want you to live your dreams and be that brilliant person you believed as a child you always would be. Reach that height and then excel even further. The world is obsessed about pushing its thoughts on you, so why not be revolutionary, be evolutionary and do things your way. The world shouldn’t affect us, we should affect it.

Always be ready to learn. You can never know everything, and if you think you do you need to start a new conversation or open another book. Just talk. Be. Who knows what sort of results it could produce.

As much as i say i want you to do this, its what i strive towards too. We are on this journey of development together and that’s the whole point. I want you to find your DR and set them loose on the world. The world hasn’t seen anything yet and the true you is be dam beautiful and create something amazing.

The point I’m  trying to make, is be you. Don’t let the world stop you, being you. If you don’t know who you are go out and find them, they will be there somewhere. Connect with yourself, with other people, try new things, go to new places and forge new connections. Connections you would never expect and be uplifting, be a positive spirit for the world to flow with. Flow forwards, carry yourself purely, spiritually and confidently as you, because the results are more surprising than i was ever able to see coming, no matter how well i tried to predict it.

I found myself forging a connection with someone, that if you asked me a year ago i would have never expected to meet, or not even paid a second glance to, so focused on the future incapable of seeing the potential beauty staring me in the face. The point is, throughout this connection developing i have tried the best i can, to be DR, to be me. Not being someone I’m not, not being who I’m supposed to be, just do as I would do, and be who i imagine myself to be, that person who is as close to the person i want to be, as i can possibly be.

This situation i find myself in is a rare one, because I don’t often find myself being DR, being me, around people I haven’t known that long. People i trust dearly and know everything there is to know is different, but her in comparison to my best friend, i barely know her. Yet somehow, I remain as me when I am with her. For the first time in a long time, I’m not thinking so much, positively obsessing over every minute detail looking for something somewhere that would aid the magic key to unlock…

Funnily enough, I don’t know how to finish that thought. I’ve never known. For years i have been overthinking everything and everyone, looking for a way i could seem to look clever, to avoid surprise, pain and/or shock. Its not me though, living like that. If anyone lives like that, its an injustice i think, to yourself, to the people around you and to the world, for you limiting yourself of the beautifully brilliant creative artistry, that in our own unique way, i choose to believe we are all capable of.

Take this new connection. I am DR when am i with her, to the best extent i can be. I don’t understand a lot of what is going on, I’m not trying to predict what’s happening, be in 5 minutes or 5 weeks in the future. I am purely in the moment, enjoying the snapshot of whatever I am doing, with someone who is doing the same. Living right now, in this moment, simply being happy to be there. I don’t know a lot about this connection, nor can i really explain it. In a rare first, my first port of call isn’t to explain it, just to be in it. All i know is that where understanding was once everything, the way you feel about yourself and how you carry yourself, as you, in the purest sense possible, makes for a remarkably different effect on your life, on my life. So let the cards fall where they may, don’t worry about what’s going to happen, for if it happens you are powerful and capable enough of dealing with it.

Even when not stood behind Thinking Evolution. Because you are you. And I- I am DR.

Yours with love as always,
Me. (or DR)

 

 

Forgive & Forget

Good evening ladies and gentleman.

Not to start slightly strongly, but I’ve always hated that phrase- “forgive and forget.” The modern day connotations it has to being alright with everything, being content with things going wrong and people screwing you over or acting in such a way you end up down so low in the inky blackness of your own personal darkness, you almost forget what the light feels like. “Time to forgive and forget” people believe it so intently. Does anybody really forget though- to move past something that happened, something you may have lost control of and ended up hurting someone, or even worse, convincing yourself you had caused someone you love any form of pain or anguish, without them ever really knowing what you’re putting yourself through.

Thing is though. I sit here writing about forgetting, but have so much trouble forgetting what I’ve done, as I’m sure you have done at times. Once upon a time, I worked to the idea, or theory if you like, that I shouldn’t forget, that forgetting is bad, because it gives me a backlog, an archive of information where things didn’t work, or something didn’t go the way I expected them to. This could be from anything, an exam, a failed friendship, a failed attempt to even understand what someone means to me, or I them. Even something as meaningless as being swayed in less than noble circumstances, someone smiling taking an edge over logical thinking, even if only for a second.

As it stands, I have so much stuff archived that the mental hard disk is full and would like to delete some stuff from the   darker areas of my memories. I’ve seen people move forward in this way before, just deal with what they did in their past and somehow not letting it directly affect their future.  They don’t avoid these situations because it caused them pain, but they don’t forget what happened either. They respect what happened and move on, so why does it seem so difficult? I like to think I’m not the only one having these complex, often awful thought process more than once, but the process always seems to go the same way, for one very simple reason.

I am so scared to forget. I just…can’t. Take life purely from a logical, rational perspective, just for a second. If something was to cause you pain, anguish, misery, envy, depression, to do as much as cause a tear to roll down your face as the motivation you were once so full of starts to drain away, leaving you bare, not feeling like half the person you were when you woke up that morning. You experience that sensation and it’s that feeling you hold on to, for the event itself is just another blip on your timeline. The pain and anguish you felt, the anger for letting yourself get to that point, the fear of it returning and impaling you on that same darkness, as next time you’re not sure you’re going to have the strength to haul yourself back up again.

While the mistake archive you once treasured seemed useful, it keeps you awake now too. Your sleep deprivation making you think about what could have been, what might have happened if you didn’t “screw up.” Your anxiety for screwing up feels like it almost owns you, because you daren’t think about anything else.

In my experience, when I work so hard to avoid “screwing up” again it’s a soul crushing, misery inducing way of living. More ironically though, is I’m not sure that any of us screw up half as much as we are convinced of. If you become so in tune to “screwing up” as much as you or I have done over the years, you start to think you know how every situation will end, without seeing the irony of the fact the only thing causing these mistakes, is you. Why do you assume things always won’t go your way? By thinking like this it’s like assuring this is the only way it can go. When it could be so much more.

What if to “forgive” was related to forgetting but they were not directly connected to one other? If this is the case how do we go about moving past the archives of mistakes and paralytic fear of making those same mistakes? By understanding that through it all, the way we see the decisions we make, the events that happen and the emotions we feel are a choice, for we become what we thinking about.

Above anything else, beyond any elaborate idea of eccentric metaphor I could pour onto this page to you- the most important thing is to forgive yourself. The smallest of mistakes you made on that day, be it 12 hours ago or 12 years ago is gone- the moment has passed. Whatever you did, or didn’t do, is done and the moment is set in stone. Think about how fast the world is moving, constantly moving forward, we can’t go back and change the past, so why not treat it as a lesson, a way to understand and overcome a barrier that has the potential to stop you living your life? Then maybe, we can live again, as purely and brilliantly that brings a life of happiness and success I believe we are all working towards.

I’m not saying forgiving yourself is going to be easy. Tell you the truth I’m not sure I can forgive myself. Understand what has happened and that you have the means to do something about it so you don’t make that mistake again. Through the way you choose to feel.

What if we could take these mistakes- and in a way, be glad we made them? Look at the mistake, understand that you screwed up, ask for forgiveness, be happy you got it at such a low price and allow yourself the privilege of continuing to live while becoming this new person. Learn from your mistakes, now a new person, with a different perspective from the same point of view. These archives, these mistakes will only affect us negatively if we let them overrule us so we stop living. The only thing you or I limit by living this way is ourselves and it’s up to us to change it, to choose to feel better feeling thoughts, for you and for me too.

Forgive yourself, but never forget the event. By forgiving yourself you let the negative emotions go, but respect what happened and learn from it, because this is life. You limiting yourself doesn’t mean it won’t happen again, it means nothing will ever happen, and if it does your far more better equipped this time. Tell people how you feel, tell your beautifully brilliant friends for the people you least expect could be your biggest asset through anything.

Through this, maybe we can all go on living. And I hope, be part of a Thinking Evolution.

Yours, with love as always.
DR

 

We Will Prevail.

Good evening ladies and gentleman

As i hope you have previously seen, i have spent a lot of time thinking about loneliness and what it means. Further on even from understanding what loneliness means there is a way of thinking, a way of capitalizing on what is, for the most part, an incredibly negative and dour situation to find yourself in.

We are forever being told in these motivational speeches and seminars, as glistening , rather loud, quite peculiar people shout their opinions at you like there’s a  form of fact we are top of the “food chain” in this world and because of this we should generally be capable of doing anything we choose to. However, I’ve always found this solitary style physical “shout to be heard” style thing difficult to fathom. I have never been a fan of motivation, because it gives like a set list in how to live your life. “Think like this,” “Act like this” and through living like this you will be successful and happy. People are compulsed then by the opinions of talkers and writers who seem to talk sense, as they flow over the stage seeming to just state the obvious.

Living, living is much more complicated. A unique, eviscerating, beautifully brilliant experience when you find your flow. The idea of living, as purely and truly to yourself as you can is what makes loneliness so important, and motivation not half as simple as some parts of the world would let on, to me anyway. I’ve always believed motivation is a universal thing, where truly inspiring is a personal thing and so fucking powerful. So beautiful, so brilliant, an intensely powerful emotional experience. To inspire, or to be inspired, to find someone living so purely themselves, truly doing as they like and being who they want to be, regardless of opinions, ideas, or manufactured societal ideologies of happiness and they way we are supposed to live. Those who live as they choose to, not because they seem trapped. Those who seem truly happy, in their own way are more inspirational than any amount of motivation can ever be to me.

These people are not always happy, these people have not always been successful. The path they had to themselves, to a life of love, of joy, of wander and beauty and happiness is supposed to difficult, supposed to filled with stuff to make you want to give up, that means you don’t want to keep fighting against the enemy within. For among it all, the choices you have made, the paths you have walked, its all who you are, the voice in your head pushing you down the paths your “supposed ” to stroll down is all you, the fearful you that lives within us all endlessly asking “what if?” as we endlessly listen. This is where things like loneliness and fear wins, when we have to choose, but no choice seems like a good one.

So when all is said and done, if universal motivation isn’t the way to do it, if we aren’t going to be motivated by someone telling you how to think or feel, how do we get back up? How do we keep moving when all you can think about is hiding away, How do you, to not ignore the dreadfully overused cliche for a second- keep calm and carry on? Through the loneliness, difficulty, pain, heartbreak, envy, jealousy and a million other ways of feeling just awful. Easier said than done, but i do believe we are all powerful enough to battle this.

How do you deal with it? Because you are you. Look at yourself in the mirror. Look at you. Look past the body you live in, stare through the blue of your eyes into the darkest parts of your soul and into the depths of your beating heart. See yourself for everything that you are as you stare into the abyss as if looking at someone you love more than life taught you was even possible and see your soul scream in pain as you do it. Your fighting a battle against you, and all i can ask for from myself as DR and Thinking Evolution is to keep fighting, because your so worth fighting for. Life could be spectacular if we just gave it the chance, if we seize control from the emotional and controlling elements of it looking to drag us down into the dirt of mediocrity, living a life you find so uninteresting, but are so utterly convinced is the key to success. As those who want to live purely and beautifully we live a mission, to fight the good fight. Me in this guise as the eternal optimist I believe  we can all do this, and simply trying is the first step.

Life isn’t supposed to be easy, filled with perfect choices that always work out for the best, endless good times and a constant stream of positive vibes and high level beauty. Frankly, i believe life would be utterly exhausting if it were like this. Furthermore, the world convinced that a permanent state of some strange almost sedated euphoric happiness  is the key to a successful life makes no sense, simply because its not true. We need the bad times, the times that make you feel as if the only sensation you can feel in life is a dark cloud of misery forever looming over you. They make the good times, those time where you laugh until you cry, do things you would never normally do, be in places you would never normally be, the moments that make you so fucking proud just to be there so much more.

We are being challenged you see, by ourselves. The voice inside your head, that little niggle in the back of your head, the leak in the system of your mind and soul slowly dripping doubt into every corner of your consciousness. The world often seems a broken and heartless place, and we are the only way out. You, I and everyone else need to be the author of your own story, for it ends however you want it to. Not the world, not other people, your fate is not decided by society, your destiny is so far from predetermined. It is how you see it should be. You should be lonely sometimes, its good to be sad, it makes us human, makes us emotional.

However, it also gives us power, to overcome adversity amongst the greatest of odds, when the battlements are down, the enemy is getting in and victory, survival looks impossible.  Its not easy to see, but if we can believe that we are capable, then i truly believe when all is said and done-

We will prevail.

Yours, with love as always.
DR