Broken

Good evening ladies and gentleman

So all this talk of fear and how brilliant we are at dealing with it, doing what we must to drive forward through the thing that is supposed to debilitate us has me, as per usual, considering the wider pictures of life. We spend life aware that we are capable of such wonderful things, yet only notice them on one day of the year when it seems “right” to be scared, as if being alright with being scared and frightened is based on some weird social acceptability, like its only alright to eat Easter Eggs in April or Christmas Puddings in December.

It feels like life is ran through a continuous set of guidelines, as if the way we are and the way we behave needs to be considered “acceptable,” which means everything we say and do has to be constantly monitored through three or four different guidebooks to make sure its what your “supposed” to do. It raises a prolific question- when the hell did life coming with a guidebook? Did we finish school or graduate university- no longer told that we needed to be anywhere at a particular time and be handed an encyclopedia of questions and answers of supposed knowledge and wisdom we are all convinced is the key to life, love and everything in between throughout our lives.

I think this idea of guidelines, the belief that there is a way to do things, a process that if we follow carefully, everything and anything will work is comforting because the fear of the unknown is the single most powerful force in our society. Its easy to think we are all living with this fear, this lifestyle of being “scared.” Its a really strange feeling to experience, because you know it feels the same as that immediate fear, that shiver that runs down your spine when you see a spider or imagine walking into a circus. Yet its always there, like an itch that just out of reach.

You could quite easily read a guidebook from cover to cover, from how to learn Japanese to the best places to visit in Iceland. However, reading the book and looking at the pictures will only take you so far, leaving what you expected just out of reach. As much as we try and as much as we hope, it won’t relieve the fear of missing out, of wasting time,  of not making that impact while on the journey to those desires we crave so badly.

Let me try and explain “LIFE” in another way…

You could have learnt there are 4 different ways of asking for a bill in Japanese, but it won’t ever give you the same sensation of thoughts and feelings as being in Downtown Tokyo trying the freshly made street food in the hustle and bustle of the people and their stories and whether you like it or not, seeing the Geysers erupting in the fields of Iceland, feeling the wind blow through your hair as the water erupts skywards will not do the same as looking at a video or seeing picture of this feat of natural brilliance.

We could read “LIFE” cover to cover, yet as we wait to die realize we had experienced nothing. We spend so long and expend so much effort, but as we get to that “divine” point, we feel cheated, because nothing seems to have changed. We are the same person in the same piece of shit spin cycle we can’t stand, the repetitive nature of our rapidly estranged existence near intolerable. This is where being “scared” comes in again. We don’t like how things are, we think we know how to deal with things (because of course, we have read the guidelines) yet somehow as much as we push, shove, scream and cry, nothing changes, and we remain disconnected from ourselves, from that life we desire so badly just to experience.

The inability to figure out how to implement the guidelines of “LIFE,” trying to find you way through the conundrum of social acceptability can make for a feeling of being disconnected. Now its natural to need connections as a human being, and the idea of missing out leads to the consideration of “falling into line” or (for those who know Thinking Evolution) getting into the “correct” categories. Its a sensation that cannot be really understood and overcome, because its not that easy to pin down what it is.You push so hard to be unique and the person you want to be, only to be pushed back by “LIFE”- “you didn’t follow the guidelines properly!!”which makes for a feeling as if we are somehow “broken.”

I wonder about being broken. I feel like its very easy to read and understand the guidelines of “LIFE” and its subsequent relationship with the boundaries of social acceptability. We understand these outcomes and how they are “supposed” to make us feel, so we lay down plans, to follow the guidelines to the letter and should then come out successful. This is what we are supposed to do, to fall into line, do as is needed to do all that needs to be done. Then conclude we have done our “bit” so we should go and die somewhere quietly, without causing a fuss, causing the minimum of inconvenience.

Surely this isn’t all there is to life.  We can live to a particular set of ideals and morals dictated to us by someone or something else, but this isn’t really individualism, because it involves knowing it all, because someone else has don’t it already. We are all unique individuals, yet as we try to be part of this wonderful brilliance to live our lives the way we want to,  we struggle to reach those heights we long for. Even throughout the journey of life, we wonder that we are missing out. We see other people living their lives, doing the jobs they love, having relationships and making close connections with people that create that unique feeling you long for so much and we wander. We wander about our lack of courage, wander that being the way we want and our own unique brilliant person could mean that we are missing out on being positive, on being “happy.”

Its as if you don’t feel as good as everyone else, you feel…broken.

What is broken? How does it effect your life? How can this effect us as individuals?

With love, as always.

DR

Random motivational picture.

broken

broken

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