Beneath the Surface

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman,

Have you ever thought about something for so long that when it finally comes to a sort of conclusion the result is positively disappointing? Its as if all the happiness, power and joy that came from the start of the thought, as the idea flows from your heart through your mind to the tips of your fingers has been just drained from you, a pipe stuck in, sucking the joy from something so beautiful.

Now i will be the first to admit that disappointment in life is an inevitability, but where i take interest is in how we react to it emotionally- for this is when the interesting second act of the play takes centre stage. Disappointment is never a nice feeling, but its almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders, like the initial problem has been dramatically lessened.

So, with the alternative sat wallowing in your self pity and accepting the boredom of the result, the disappointment that something more interesting hadn’t surfaced, what if we tried something different, something…more.

Its natural behaviour when a resolution to a problem presents itself to believe that this is the end of the puzzle, as all the pieces have fit together and you find yourself with what resembles a full picture of the situation or person you find in front of you. However boring and arguably “normal” the answer is, it’s there for all the world to see.

I find a new doubt in this idea recently though. What if there was another way? What if we tried to find an alternative way of looking at them. What if, there was a problem within the problem, something you missed that could make you doubt your initial solution?

I have a terrible loathing for normal, for acceptable, for living life as it is because “thats just the way it is.” The world has a pattern and we are all supposed to stand in the wheel, run, run and run until you expire and are replaced. We have an expiration date, and in order to get there we are given creature comforts. Another person to run in the wheel with, thinking and feeling like you do that when you get that next shiny object, or reach that huge goal at the end of the rainbow, the pot of gold will bring you both the unrivalled joy you yearn for so badly.

I have often, probably rather bloody-mindedly, come to a conclusion that a person or a friend have been far more “normal” that i had initially anticipated. My often skewed sometimes cynical world view can often create something of a man i don’t recognise from the darkness. The palace has places within it i daren’t tread very often, for fear i will not find the way back out again one day, disappointed that people do not stir my soul like i hoped they would.

For many years i have done this, until recently i spent more time looking at a problem that had initially given me a “normal” solution. The more time i’ve spent on it, from the ashes of boredom and normality i find empathy becomes a much stronger force. If there was to be an act of mental warfare, empathy is the warrior you would put up against the plague that has become normality, along with its co -conspirators boredom and ignorance.

Take these away as empathy starts to win the day, i started to think about my friend- the person i had concluded as “disappointingly normal.” I dove deep into how i imagined she felt everyday, what causes her to act the way she acts and do what she does everyday. The world sees a very specific version of her, the one thats not bothered, but the one also who wishes to be cared for and loved just as much as she would do for who the person she believes the right person.

To go looking for happiness is the key to its unravelling i have always believed. Happiness comes with the thoughts and feelings that flow through us in being as unique to ourselves as we possibly can. However, i must concede that someone being happy with their situations, their connections or relationships is perceived as an uncanny surprise to a lot of people, especially to someone looking from the outside in. Maybe this is something she may feel like she is missing out on, and wants to be happy? In the end- who wouldn’t?

Happiness and normality are far from the same thing, but maybe you need to go through that process of understanding the difference to find who you are and more so who you really want to be? I know i did. The darkness took me over for many months and finding my way through it was one of the proudest achievements of my life, so she no doubt deserves me credit than i initially gave her.

There’s fight in you yet. Im proud to be her friend. I’m proud of how far she’s come and all she’s going to achieve. Trying so hard everyday to change her life, one step at a time. The world doesn’t give enough credit for that sometimes. Just doing something. She’s always fighting.

No matter how normal the world seems, you can always learn more if you dig a little deeper. Look just below the surface, who know what you might see.

Kinda brilliant when you think about it.

Yours, with love as always.

DR x

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