The Gatekeeper

Good evening ladies and gentleman.

Recently, i find myself oddly drawn to the issues revolving around my Palace of Darkness. I find myself looking towards the darker, more confusing areas of the Palace, previously unexplored by the mental limitations i had placed upon myself. Furthermore, i find that these avoided, previously unexplored rooms, barricaded so deep in the darkness of my Palace have a Gatekeeper. What is this gatekeeper? Who is this gatekeeper?

Well- it’s me (sort of.) More a version of me I’m not particularly proud, a version i wish didn’t exist, that i had never created. Is it truly a part of what i would consider…me? I have spent a lot of time trying to reassure myself that this is a face i show and nothing more. This isn’t true, for years I have tried to convince myself I am not the Gatekeeper. With everything i have done in an attempt to convince myself i am not the Gatekeeper- its just made so much more confident i am . It is truly the worst part of me.

The Gatekeeper was created many years ago, in what i  believed was hope to “protect” me from pain, from life throwing the dice with what felt like the inevitable consequence of snake eyes. For years and years i felt like this, deciding being alone, admittedly at times even being lonely, was better than pain’s potential, protected from that part of me by my all seeing Gatekeeper. As time has passed though, in particular since the beginning of Thinking Evolution, i am learning more, about the world, the way people think and perhaps most importantly how i think, recently looking at something my Gatekeeper is supposed to “protect” me from…if you could call it that.


Fear is a strange enemy, something i guess could be likened to a shape-shifting demon, showing itself in the form that scares you the most, to “protect” you from life. With the reality being to stop you living your life as purely and brilliantly as you imagine you could, living a life of beauty and brilliance and love like nothing else matters. I like to think is we could live this way, to overcome the fear of whatever scares you, that scares me so much.  Its through overcoming that fear that make us truly alive, for if we are scared, terrified even, we are making a decision, we are doing something, anything. This, I choose to believe, this potentially beautiful, brilliant way of being could be the death of you, at the hand of you-  albeit a more fearful, scared, arguably immature version of you, truly the worst version of you- your Gatekeeper.

I have found myself venturing into  the unknown, much darker areas of the Palace, those areas avoided and unexplored- the Gatekeeper happened to be on a break, so off i sauntered.  This unknown is in the form of my unfamiliar new connection, which still remains a place of strange, emotional questions and logic which i have been successfully ignoring for what has been, well… years now. She is unlike anyone else, but there remains more to her than i could ever have imagined previously, a more complex beautifully wonderfully brilliant person, strong and powerful in nature (even though she doesn’t seem to think so,) yet i have still barely scratched the surface.

Everything i do, everything i say, everything i am with her, in terms of DR venturing out into the world as i talked about last time, is unknown. The Gatekeeper is partly to blame for this, so am I, for so long i have been “protecting” myself from so much its hard to understand what exactly is going on and that is where the issues start to surface. I am not fearful of her, like i said shes quite fabulous to me, I find myself venturing back towards a fear of not knowing. I find myself concerned for i am venturing into not knowing a lot, whereas previously in my “padded, protected” world  i  would arrogantly wander round aware of every possibility, because there were never that many. I don’t know what is going on, all i know is that it’s something i want to be a part of.

Surprises me the lengths my mind will go to in order to regain control, for years i was convinced being in control was the key to life, when much more simply- LIVING is the key to life. There are no Gatekeepers, no darkness, the Palace awash with open windows and sunlight billowing through, pictures of trips taken with people I love doing things i never thought I’d do, experiencing everything life can show you and sharing life with yourself, not limiting yourself to the protected, double sealed box away from a world you’re supposed to be terrified of.

The point I’m trying to make is, you are never going to get away from fear, if you are ever going to live. If you look at life in a goal orientated way, in which i believe we all live, you can see that without making a decision, you will never reach a goal and neither of these things come without fears. Decisions you fear the results of, things that make your heart beat faster, the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end, the sort of decisions that could alter your very perspective on life if you were to just give them the chance are the lifeblood of what makes you, you.

They are the sort of moments, as much as i rubbished it earlier, that make you question your understanding of what it means to be perfectly “sane” and needing to be aware of the ramifications and short comings of every decision you will ever make. The alternative often doesn’t bare thinking about, because you imagine its like losing your freaking mind.

Its not losing your mind though, it never was. For as long as I believed this, it was through the filtered vision of the Gatekeeper, a sort of defense for “if i assume its bad, i won’t want any part of it” sort of thing. I was never going to go crazy, you will never lose your mind when making a decision, be it saturated in emotion or with what sandwich to order. Making those strange, oddly wonderful, terrifying decisions to act, in a way that could lead to you never really seeing life that way again is opening your mind, not losing it.

There is fear, so much in life, to the biggest problems of the world to your confusions, my confusions, your fears and mine. I don’t know how this connection works, i am trying the best i can to live in the moment, for that is where the beauty of the connection is founded. I don’t understand, i know that decisions will come, they will be scary, emotionally powerful forces in my life, whether they involve her or throughout other aspects of my life. What i do know though, is these pathways are a key part to living, not simply surviving. So to embrace this fear as my power, to make that decision and to see it through. Just imagine, even only for a second, the heights that could be reached.  Even for this connection, the unknown is powerful, terrifying and has the potential to be near perfect. You’re not supposed to know everything that is going to happen. You just live it as it happens.

I believe we are fearful of being scared and more than anything else, if we can embrace it , then we might get to feel truly alive.

Yours, with love as always.


Being You- Being DR

Good evening ladies and gentleman

So. I have been struggling in how to start this one, to the point where i have been reading through a lot of stuff i wrote much earlier in the development of Thinking Evolution. In particular, the “What I hope we can achieve” page. I was reading this, casually trying to figure out how to formulate and deconstruct the thoughts in my head to make some form of sense and be of some positive use to me beyond the usual result- creating a confused, often irritated mess at the amalgamation of thoughts sensations and feelings i end up seeing in the mirror.

I guess in many ways writing is an expression, my self expression. Is it art? Maybe. Is it just a bunch of words on a page? Also maybe. I suppose, it depends who reads it. The point is, no matter what you do, there is always a difference in seeing and believing, watching and observing, understanding and feeling. You can see a situation and understand that it is bad, good, right or wrong but to feel the nature of the situation, to understand how someone is feeling who may be in that situation in this present moment, or may have been living there for any period of time is a remarkably different sensation to “knowing what is happening.” For without the application of feeling, how much do we really understand?

For a long time, far beyond the existence of Thinking Evolution, i believed understanding the nature of a situation, what the behavior means, how somebody reacts, what someone says, down to the last finite details meant that it could be broken down, deconstructed and understood in a perfectly rational, eas(ier) to digest way. Then it wouldn’t create an emotional reaction in me, so there was no risk of anything unexpected, no problems of “not knowing what to do” in every conceivable situation, because i understood everything, so how could there be a problem?

My understanding of this ideology now is that it was steeped in fear. Fear of the unknown, of not predicting the future, of warping the world to fit my often warped world view and remain so utterly convinced i was right, no matter how much potential for things to change, for me to change, to evolve. It meant that i couldn’t be sure what was going to happen, so i didn’t want to know . I wanted to be right, i felt the only way to be happy was to live a life so filled with predictability and seeing it all coming that in many respects, I haven’t really lived for a very long time, simply existed. Beyond Thinking Evolution, i haven’t really been me. Hence why, even more so now than ever before, DR Is so important.

Simply put, its me. I’ve written for a long time as DR because away from opinions, of supposed “facts” of modern life, of smartphones, loud people shouting their “facts” at you, too scared to process an opinion they don’t agree with, just the way the world often feels like its trying to drag you down, trying to keep you down and out, the creativity, the artistry becoming nothing more than a figment of your imagination. As DR, I am me. As purely and as brilliantly as i possibly can be. I want you to see that you matter, what you think matters, what you feel matters. Its you living your life, nobody else. I want you to smile like nobody’s watching, love like nobody else even thought possible. I want you to live your dreams and be that brilliant person you believed as a child you always would be. Reach that height and then excel even further. The world is obsessed about pushing its thoughts on you, so why not be revolutionary, be evolutionary and do things your way. The world shouldn’t affect us, we should affect it.

Always be ready to learn. You can never know everything, and if you think you do you need to start a new conversation or open another book. Just talk. Be. Who knows what sort of results it could produce.

As much as i say i want you to do this, its what i strive towards too. We are on this journey of development together and that’s the whole point. I want you to find your DR and set them loose on the world. The world hasn’t seen anything yet and the true you is be dam beautiful and create something amazing.

The point I’m  trying to make, is be you. Don’t let the world stop you, being you. If you don’t know who you are go out and find them, they will be there somewhere. Connect with yourself, with other people, try new things, go to new places and forge new connections. Connections you would never expect and be uplifting, be a positive spirit for the world to flow with. Flow forwards, carry yourself purely, spiritually and confidently as you, because the results are more surprising than i was ever able to see coming, no matter how well i tried to predict it.

I found myself forging a connection with someone, that if you asked me a year ago i would have never expected to meet, or not even paid a second glance to, so focused on the future incapable of seeing the potential beauty staring me in the face. The point is, throughout this connection developing i have tried the best i can, to be DR, to be me. Not being someone I’m not, not being who I’m supposed to be, just do as I would do, and be who i imagine myself to be, that person who is as close to the person i want to be, as i can possibly be.

This situation i find myself in is a rare one, because I don’t often find myself being DR, being me, around people I haven’t known that long. People i trust dearly and know everything there is to know is different, but her in comparison to my best friend, i barely know her. Yet somehow, I remain as me when I am with her. For the first time in a long time, I’m not thinking so much, positively obsessing over every minute detail looking for something somewhere that would aid the magic key to unlock…

Funnily enough, I don’t know how to finish that thought. I’ve never known. For years i have been overthinking everything and everyone, looking for a way i could seem to look clever, to avoid surprise, pain and/or shock. Its not me though, living like that. If anyone lives like that, its an injustice i think, to yourself, to the people around you and to the world, for you limiting yourself of the beautifully brilliant creative artistry, that in our own unique way, i choose to believe we are all capable of.

Take this new connection. I am DR when am i with her, to the best extent i can be. I don’t understand a lot of what is going on, I’m not trying to predict what’s happening, be in 5 minutes or 5 weeks in the future. I am purely in the moment, enjoying the snapshot of whatever I am doing, with someone who is doing the same. Living right now, in this moment, simply being happy to be there. I don’t know a lot about this connection, nor can i really explain it. In a rare first, my first port of call isn’t to explain it, just to be in it. All i know is that where understanding was once everything, the way you feel about yourself and how you carry yourself, as you, in the purest sense possible, makes for a remarkably different effect on your life, on my life. So let the cards fall where they may, don’t worry about what’s going to happen, for if it happens you are powerful and capable enough of dealing with it.

Even when not stood behind Thinking Evolution. Because you are you. And I- I am DR.

Yours with love as always,
Me. (or DR)



Forgive & Forget

Good evening ladies and gentleman.

Not to start slightly strongly, but I’ve always hated that phrase- “forgive and forget.” The modern day connotations it has to being alright with everything, being content with things going wrong and people screwing you over or acting in such a way you end up down so low in the inky blackness of your own personal darkness, you almost forget what the light feels like. “Time to forgive and forget” people believe it so intently. Does anybody really forget though- to move past something that happened, something you may have lost control of and ended up hurting someone, or even worse, convincing yourself you had caused someone you love any form of pain or anguish, without them ever really knowing what you’re putting yourself through.

Thing is though. I sit here writing about forgetting, but have so much trouble forgetting what I’ve done, as I’m sure you have done at times. Once upon a time, I worked to the idea, or theory if you like, that I shouldn’t forget, that forgetting is bad, because it gives me a backlog, an archive of information where things didn’t work, or something didn’t go the way I expected them to. This could be from anything, an exam, a failed friendship, a failed attempt to even understand what someone means to me, or I them. Even something as meaningless as being swayed in less than noble circumstances, someone smiling taking an edge over logical thinking, even if only for a second.

As it stands, I have so much stuff archived that the mental hard disk is full and would like to delete some stuff from the   darker areas of my memories. I’ve seen people move forward in this way before, just deal with what they did in their past and somehow not letting it directly affect their future.  They don’t avoid these situations because it caused them pain, but they don’t forget what happened either. They respect what happened and move on, so why does it seem so difficult? I like to think I’m not the only one having these complex, often awful thought process more than once, but the process always seems to go the same way, for one very simple reason.

I am so scared to forget. I just…can’t. Take life purely from a logical, rational perspective, just for a second. If something was to cause you pain, anguish, misery, envy, depression, to do as much as cause a tear to roll down your face as the motivation you were once so full of starts to drain away, leaving you bare, not feeling like half the person you were when you woke up that morning. You experience that sensation and it’s that feeling you hold on to, for the event itself is just another blip on your timeline. The pain and anguish you felt, the anger for letting yourself get to that point, the fear of it returning and impaling you on that same darkness, as next time you’re not sure you’re going to have the strength to haul yourself back up again.

While the mistake archive you once treasured seemed useful, it keeps you awake now too. Your sleep deprivation making you think about what could have been, what might have happened if you didn’t “screw up.” Your anxiety for screwing up feels like it almost owns you, because you daren’t think about anything else.

In my experience, when I work so hard to avoid “screwing up” again it’s a soul crushing, misery inducing way of living. More ironically though, is I’m not sure that any of us screw up half as much as we are convinced of. If you become so in tune to “screwing up” as much as you or I have done over the years, you start to think you know how every situation will end, without seeing the irony of the fact the only thing causing these mistakes, is you. Why do you assume things always won’t go your way? By thinking like this it’s like assuring this is the only way it can go. When it could be so much more.

What if to “forgive” was related to forgetting but they were not directly connected to one other? If this is the case how do we go about moving past the archives of mistakes and paralytic fear of making those same mistakes? By understanding that through it all, the way we see the decisions we make, the events that happen and the emotions we feel are a choice, for we become what we thinking about.

Above anything else, beyond any elaborate idea of eccentric metaphor I could pour onto this page to you- the most important thing is to forgive yourself. The smallest of mistakes you made on that day, be it 12 hours ago or 12 years ago is gone- the moment has passed. Whatever you did, or didn’t do, is done and the moment is set in stone. Think about how fast the world is moving, constantly moving forward, we can’t go back and change the past, so why not treat it as a lesson, a way to understand and overcome a barrier that has the potential to stop you living your life? Then maybe, we can live again, as purely and brilliantly that brings a life of happiness and success I believe we are all working towards.

I’m not saying forgiving yourself is going to be easy. Tell you the truth I’m not sure I can forgive myself. Understand what has happened and that you have the means to do something about it so you don’t make that mistake again. Through the way you choose to feel.

What if we could take these mistakes- and in a way, be glad we made them? Look at the mistake, understand that you screwed up, ask for forgiveness, be happy you got it at such a low price and allow yourself the privilege of continuing to live while becoming this new person. Learn from your mistakes, now a new person, with a different perspective from the same point of view. These archives, these mistakes will only affect us negatively if we let them overrule us so we stop living. The only thing you or I limit by living this way is ourselves and it’s up to us to change it, to choose to feel better feeling thoughts, for you and for me too.

Forgive yourself, but never forget the event. By forgiving yourself you let the negative emotions go, but respect what happened and learn from it, because this is life. You limiting yourself doesn’t mean it won’t happen again, it means nothing will ever happen, and if it does your far more better equipped this time. Tell people how you feel, tell your beautifully brilliant friends for the people you least expect could be your biggest asset through anything.

Through this, maybe we can all go on living. And I hope, be part of a Thinking Evolution.

Yours, with love as always.


We Will Prevail.

Good evening ladies and gentleman

As i hope you have previously seen, i have spent a lot of time thinking about loneliness and what it means. Further on even from understanding what loneliness means there is a way of thinking, a way of capitalizing on what is, for the most part, an incredibly negative and dour situation to find yourself in.

We are forever being told in these motivational speeches and seminars, as glistening , rather loud, quite peculiar people shout their opinions at you like there’s a  form of fact we are top of the “food chain” in this world and because of this we should generally be capable of doing anything we choose to. However, I’ve always found this solitary style physical “shout to be heard” style thing difficult to fathom. I have never been a fan of motivation, because it gives like a set list in how to live your life. “Think like this,” “Act like this” and through living like this you will be successful and happy. People are compulsed then by the opinions of talkers and writers who seem to talk sense, as they flow over the stage seeming to just state the obvious.

Living, living is much more complicated. A unique, eviscerating, beautifully brilliant experience when you find your flow. The idea of living, as purely and truly to yourself as you can is what makes loneliness so important, and motivation not half as simple as some parts of the world would let on, to me anyway. I’ve always believed motivation is a universal thing, where truly inspiring is a personal thing and so fucking powerful. So beautiful, so brilliant, an intensely powerful emotional experience. To inspire, or to be inspired, to find someone living so purely themselves, truly doing as they like and being who they want to be, regardless of opinions, ideas, or manufactured societal ideologies of happiness and they way we are supposed to live. Those who live as they choose to, not because they seem trapped. Those who seem truly happy, in their own way are more inspirational than any amount of motivation can ever be to me.

These people are not always happy, these people have not always been successful. The path they had to themselves, to a life of love, of joy, of wander and beauty and happiness is supposed to difficult, supposed to filled with stuff to make you want to give up, that means you don’t want to keep fighting against the enemy within. For among it all, the choices you have made, the paths you have walked, its all who you are, the voice in your head pushing you down the paths your “supposed ” to stroll down is all you, the fearful you that lives within us all endlessly asking “what if?” as we endlessly listen. This is where things like loneliness and fear wins, when we have to choose, but no choice seems like a good one.

So when all is said and done, if universal motivation isn’t the way to do it, if we aren’t going to be motivated by someone telling you how to think or feel, how do we get back up? How do we keep moving when all you can think about is hiding away, How do you, to not ignore the dreadfully overused cliche for a second- keep calm and carry on? Through the loneliness, difficulty, pain, heartbreak, envy, jealousy and a million other ways of feeling just awful. Easier said than done, but i do believe we are all powerful enough to battle this.

How do you deal with it? Because you are you. Look at yourself in the mirror. Look at you. Look past the body you live in, stare through the blue of your eyes into the darkest parts of your soul and into the depths of your beating heart. See yourself for everything that you are as you stare into the abyss as if looking at someone you love more than life taught you was even possible and see your soul scream in pain as you do it. Your fighting a battle against you, and all i can ask for from myself as DR and Thinking Evolution is to keep fighting, because your so worth fighting for. Life could be spectacular if we just gave it the chance, if we seize control from the emotional and controlling elements of it looking to drag us down into the dirt of mediocrity, living a life you find so uninteresting, but are so utterly convinced is the key to success. As those who want to live purely and beautifully we live a mission, to fight the good fight. Me in this guise as the eternal optimist I believe  we can all do this, and simply trying is the first step.

Life isn’t supposed to be easy, filled with perfect choices that always work out for the best, endless good times and a constant stream of positive vibes and high level beauty. Frankly, i believe life would be utterly exhausting if it were like this. Furthermore, the world convinced that a permanent state of some strange almost sedated euphoric happiness  is the key to a successful life makes no sense, simply because its not true. We need the bad times, the times that make you feel as if the only sensation you can feel in life is a dark cloud of misery forever looming over you. They make the good times, those time where you laugh until you cry, do things you would never normally do, be in places you would never normally be, the moments that make you so fucking proud just to be there so much more.

We are being challenged you see, by ourselves. The voice inside your head, that little niggle in the back of your head, the leak in the system of your mind and soul slowly dripping doubt into every corner of your consciousness. The world often seems a broken and heartless place, and we are the only way out. You, I and everyone else need to be the author of your own story, for it ends however you want it to. Not the world, not other people, your fate is not decided by society, your destiny is so far from predetermined. It is how you see it should be. You should be lonely sometimes, its good to be sad, it makes us human, makes us emotional.

However, it also gives us power, to overcome adversity amongst the greatest of odds, when the battlements are down, the enemy is getting in and victory, survival looks impossible.  Its not easy to see, but if we can believe that we are capable, then i truly believe when all is said and done-

We will prevail.

Yours, with love as always.


Embracing Loneliness

Good evening ladies and gentleman

As previously mentioned, i am finding my attention drawn away from the task in hand lately, whatever it might be. Its as if i’m always sidetracked to doing something else, completely meaningless and unrelated to what I was trying to do. Furthermore, i feel like the world and the societies we find ourselves living in, these almost alien voids where individuality and any form of creativity, conventionally artistic (as if there could be such a thing) or any creative outlet that creates that feeling of wander like nothing else can. You are human, and this is what you love doing. Through this medium, you become who you are. It gives the world meaning to you, and that, to me, is the most important thing that we seem to not want to notice, that we almost try to ignore.

Hence the persistent, consistently confusing problem of being sidetracked from whatever you might be thinking about or trying to achieve. It bothers me so much because the distractions all seem so pointless, just wastes of time so you aren’t focused on something. Whether this is something we consciously choose to do, to remain off on a meaningless sidetrack, or as a fail-safe style defense mechanism remains to be seen, but either way the question of what we are hoping to stay distracted from remains. What are we avoiding to even think about so badly? What is so bad, that I do all i can to remain so sidetracked?

I think it all starts, in this modern technological world of 2017 in the piece of metal and plastic sat next to you, that has a consistent residence in your pocket or even in your hand as you read what I am writing to you right now. Now it would be obtuse and extremely narrow minded to say the least to conclude the idea the smartphone was a poor invention, because for all of the doubters, all of the “death of conversation” complainers, to the real world becoming so less relevant as we look to Instagram and the photoshopped idealistic standards of the world to be the gospel in the way the world should be, as we become consumed by this idea that the key to happiness, the key to what is missing in your life resides among the likes, comments and re-tweets of social media. What if there was more to this giant of the modern age, what if it could be so much more.

For all the doubters in the way the world is going, there has to be so much more to say, more to see than we ever could have seen. We can forge connections to parts of the world we would never be able to see, have friends on the other side of the world checking in and sharing beautiful experiences with you, as you do them. We can create challenges, revolutionary ideas, business that could shape the world as we see it, inventions that are moving the world into a technological age the world would have never even considered possible a few decades ago. The world has become so much more connected, in theory, then why does it seem a much more lonely place? Why is it that being lonely has become so much more frequent, a demon more and more people are not wanting to face up to?

This is why I believe we have this persistent need for distraction, to remain sidetracked, because then we aren’t concentrating on this fear, real or not, of something so all encompassing it feel as if it might swallow you up. Loneliness is the most predominant problem among the plethora of emotions and idea through this, for I feel like you could easily drown in loneliness. I maintain from something i wrote a few months ago that to be lonely and to be alone, are two very different sensations, with themselves a different set of emotions and ideas. We are all perfectly capable of being alone, you can walk down the street, go to the shops, watch TV and cook your food by yourself no problem. Its perfectly possible to go 24 hours completely alone, left with your thoughts to rest, look at what you are and what you want to be, learning and understanding the way the world is and the way you are. Periods of being alone are good.

However, these periods of being alone can also be a fundamental weakness, something that can work so very hard against you and against what you want to be. Why? Because being alone can be an emotionally numb, almost comfortable experience, a perspective into your world devised by logic and order, where everything has its place, where we strive to understand what is happening and what has the potential to go wrong. There is no surprise to being alone, literally and emotionally, which means there is less pain, less sadness. I think we all struggle to let people into our world because of how comforting alone can be. Like everything, being alone in moderation is good,  a powerful mental force that can reset and refresh a tired mind, offer a fresh perspective on a previously perplexing question and save the the tired mind from the saturated sensation of exhaustion. When you get a taste of the pleasure of being alone, the effects can be profound.

Too much though and being alone can rapidly become lonely. I think we are always supposed to let people into our lives, a select few into the often unhinged personal world you live and the rare encounters with truly beautiful people into your heart. If you, if I am ever going to get to that next level of a world so interconnected by Instagram, Snapchat and so many other ways of showing the world what you believe to be you, then personal, meaningful, emotionally powerful connections are the key.

Now i’m not even saying this should happen right away, or even at all at times, for one to live and think in this positive way doesn’t require consistent need and desire for action, to constantly be doing or trying to be at the next level of life, be it in the connections we share with people, the love you have for someone or just the place you are in your life, but just being aware of what could happen, being open to the possibility that regardless of how hard we try, if we truly want to live- we have to be aware that sometimes life will hurt. You will feel tortured and pained by things you do not understand, confused by your low mood, the ignorance of life leaving you so lost on the rare occasion life  happens to you that being alone can so rapidly become lonely. If we aren’t even open to the possibility, what are we really doing? Is it really living?

I feel like wherever any of us are in life, to whatever capacity, there is always another level we can reach, another target, goal or beautifully brilliant idea to work towards. Its what we fill the journey with, the work in heading towards the destinations is what really matters. The moments that make you smile, laugh and wander why you ever felt so low, the moments that make you sad, feel something so soaked in misery all you can think of is being alone, when in reality all you wanted is someone to hold you, someone to talk to and say that you will be okay. This is life, and sometimes you’re supposed to be lonely. And you will always be okay.

We should even embrace loneliness at times for these tests show us the nature and character of who we are and who we want to be as people, as individuals in a world who would rather we stay sidetracked on “The Perfect Selfie” or some upcoming television show.

It’s not supposed to be easy, admitting to being lonely. Its even harder to know how to deal with it without distraction, simply because and i know this seems obvious-

I really, really don’t like feeling lonely.

Yours, with love as always




Good evening ladies and gentleman

I’ve always found curiosity to be a rather fickle thing. Certain people have it for certain things, people, ideas, thoughts, feelings and so on. Between that first moment of thought and until they find the answer to the question, until they understand the conundrum and can find their way through the haze of questionable information, general induction and through this gathering process, we understand more and the curiosity for certain aspects of life will fade away. However, to me, there are certain aspects of life that we are always going to be curious about, always going to want to learn about and develop understanding of- for it gives us more to be.

I have tried the best i can to learn more about myself through the numerous methods deployed since starting Thinking Evolution so way back when, with this hopefully being the start of a lifelong process. You should always try and learn i think, everyday, ask a question, have a conversation, debate, read an article, talk to someone, or even just listen to yourself. I feel like we have forgotten how to do that these days, we are so intent on dealing with so much, living through so much, intent on finding that point, the root of every perfectionist intention you have ever had all because of the temptation the reward of what we believe happiness and success should be. The biggest irony behind that being is that living this way seems like the only way to not find the happiness and success you crave so badly.

What i have found, especially recently, is an uncanny inability to pay attention on my part. I just seem to wander off, thinking about something completely irrelevant or in no way connected to the task in hand, from writing something down to going to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. It just seems like I’m not really all there at the moment. My body remains functional, as does a lot of me mentally, but just not for very long. What’s more confusing is i don’t know where i get these jumps from and never really remember them soon after the event has passed. It would make sense were the two streams of thought contextually connected somehow, but it all seems so utterly random.

I often wander with a lot of what i think about and a lot of what i write about is how much we are consciously aware of and how much is seemably “inevitable,” like its not worth thinking about, or even doesn’t really need your attention because either way you feel like it’s going to happen. Its as if the thought process has become so familiar, a  process repeated so many times we don’t even give it a second glance as it floats by. How much happens to us that we don’t even think about, that we don’t even realize were a bit of that day’s potential to be spectacular.

When you think about it, that could go some way to helping us understand a remarkable amount about the world we find ourselves living in right now, for there is just so much going on, both in the world and in your life too. Things you may do without thinking about, the things you have to take care of- everything is keeping us very busy, regardless of the meaning behind the actions or feelings we are experiencing. Being distracted is the key, because stop and you risk noticing what you’ve missed, the potential for pain increases almost exponentially and when all is said and done it creates a feeling of utter exhaustion, both physically and emotionally.

So, we choose to remain this way, even though its quite difficult to pin down what “this way” really is. I say that though, i wander how much conscious thought goes into remaining as distracted from the problems that we don’t really want to face? You don’t really put much effort into doing as much as you can to not think about something, it just sort of happens without us even noticing, to me anyway. You wander round, even walk to your own kitchen to make a cup of tea, only to return not two minutes later, without a cup of tea, or any recollection you went to make one. This process continues in a remarkable flashbulb moment when you remember what you were supposed to be doing and carry on.

We are distracted yes, but sidetracked seems a much more appropriate word for what I believe this experience to be. We might get distracted, but never really forget what’s happening, making me think its much more of an avoiding action. Even though we don’t seem to think about avoiding things we don’t want to feel, think about or do. Its like we have almost evolved a protective barrier to throw clothes, shoes, this ideal “retail therapy,” consumed by the idea we can do all we can to not have to deal with something, because through this, it might just go away. We persist, again and again, through meaningless connections, things upon things, feelings upon feelings ignored. It will build, it has to. The question then, is what happens when you get to the point where no level of distraction, no amount of becoming sidetracked can help you ignore- when the elephant in the room becomes so large your face ends up slammed up against the window? We are sidetracked in our ignorance of the inevitable, but you can’t avoid things forever. Its inevitable that what your avoiding will find you, eventually.

The question though is this-

What are you avoiding? What am i avoiding?

Yours, with love as always.

Upset the Established Order

Good evening ladies and gentleman

Now, I know I’ve probably mentioned Joker related sayings before- but it seemed like the most effective way describe the point I’m trying to make. So, let us jump into the confusing, strange and wonderfully complex pool of idealized necessity.

Generally speaking, I’ve never taken any pleasure in this modern day issue and idea of doing things because they are “necessary” or for “the greater good.” These beliefs, something that can be both independent and societal in nature are something I believe we all take part in across our lives, dealing with this “necessary evil” at no matter the personal cost to yourself. People often talk about how events, feelings and general happenings of their lives take the form of “necessity.” I spend a lot of time doing things and feeling emotions, both positive and negative that as society has formed and developed around us, would be considered a “necessity.”

What’s more confusing, is that the more i think about it, the less the problem of idealized necessity makes any sense. As weeks turn into months and years, us living to the eternally rotating clock as the sun disappears to the beacon of white light in the moon, I find myself trying to live to a certain mentality, to live for the beautiful, wonderfully unique moments that makes you stand still, appreciate what and where you are. The sort of fleeting moments in time that make your heart feel as if its beating a million miles a minute, the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end as your only thought is how glad, happy and proud you are to be there, in that single moment.

This, to me, doesn’t come without its challenges though. As for years the power of the perfectionist within had a less than positive impact on my mental outlook for life. Rather than living for the moment it was more of a “crappy vehicle- brilliant result” sort of lifestyle, in that the supposed key to happiness and success for life could be found in preparation, doing what was necessary for in the future- things would be “better.” Things were bad now, freaking terrible in fact, but in the end, i had myself convinced things would eventually come good. The whole idea of the “grass is greener on the other side” thing, how the sun always seems to be shining so much brighter but slightly too far away. “Necessary” it was though, or so I was so convinced.

The more I’ve thought about this frankly, the more wound up in knots i have become, until recently when I had rather of an epiphany you might say, a way to explain and understand the point of necessity, idealistic or not. The idea that there are time in life where we must feel or do something that we don’t like, don’t want to do or may even cause us a great deal of pain, misery, sadness, envy, jealousy or unnatural levels of rage is a terrifying thing, alarming because when you let these negative emotions, powers like that into you, they can so easily end up ruling you- and as Earl Nightingale once said “we become what we think about.”

So how do we go about overcoming this? When life becomes clouded in the consistently familiar, bland tasteless brain food that makes you wander why you bothered to get out of bed this morning. What do you do when this cycle, this rut you find yourself is making those moments you live for, the dreams you have, the hopes and desires you yearn for more than life itself end up seeming further and further away. You work so hard everyday, thinking you’re doing all you can to be everything you want to be, everything you can be, yet only seem to be getting so far. When life gets to this point, it can be difficult to find the motivation to stand up out of the chair you find yourself lazily slumped in, let alone pursue life as freely and as purely as you feel you should be.

Perhaps then, understanding is the key? What if we understand the why, the intentions behind certain feelings, thoughts and behaviors that for so long we have perceived as “necessary.” We can choose to let the negativity of modern day idealized necessity drag us to the darkest depths of our own personal hell, to let the ridiculous frivolities life seems to have become so saturated in these days tear you limb from limb, convincing you that you’re art, dreams, lust for life and love and creativity and that all important connection to your artistry is nothing more than insane fantasia- because “how are you supposed to live using that?”

That’s the point! That’s always been the point. Modern society is so convinced that being successful and happy are so intertwined throughout the twists and turns of life- to go forward into life, into a widely appreciated and renowned way of making a living, with good bonus prospects, the company car when you get slightly higher up the chain and if you work hard “you may have your own office in 5 years” is the key to success and because of this success, the supposed key to happiness.

I say we are looking at it backwards. The need for negative emotional necessity in order for your future self to prosper is causing you nothing but more pain, but what if this was a power you could use to make you feel and be so much more than you ever thought you could? You are YOU- independent, free thinking, mentally free, open to opinions, to debate and conversations of life, love and everything in between. Embrace that part of you, the creativist deep within you growing and molding this artistry that means so much and feels so amazing. Do this and it won’t even matter what the world believes in what is necessary or not, or even of this modern day obsession of living a “necessary” lifestyle.

Why? Because we are so much more than a collection of societal based manufactured thoughts and feelings. This issue with necessity should be driving us harder to not have to live the life of necessary ideals, rather than make us want to give in to it. I hope that the fear of that would inspire us, motivate us to truly upset the established order.

Then maybe, we can live for ourselves, for who we want to be in life, love and everything in between, more than whom it has been deemed “necessary” to be or has deemed it “necessary” to feel.

Through this, you truly get to be you. Which, simply put, could be so purely brilliantly beautiful. So upset the established order, and be you.

Yours, with love as always.


Unexpected Positivity

Good evening ladies and gentleman.

I find myself in a strange place, understanding more of what being “stuck between a rock and a hard place” really means. Its a particularly confusing sensation, in which its difficult to know what to do, where to go, or how to move anywhere, backwards or forwards from where you find yourself. Like I said last time round, its like falling through to the darkest parts of my complicated, ever growing and expanding Palace of Darkness.

However, in recent times of confusion, anger and irritation i find myself looking backwards, to the problems of being “defeated,” or allowing something, someone get to me in a way that i could do nothing about. I ‘ve already spent a dam long time thinking about that and its driving me down a road i don’t want to go down. Reality is far different though, as letting it play on every conscious fiber of your mind really isn’t an advantageous way of dealing with anything. The only real thing that can be taken from that experience is an insurmountable level of total and utter exhaustion.

Like many mental states and issues that occur in people across the different demographics across the world, exhaustion has a funny way of affecting us all. The lack of sleep being the foremost issue, beyond that It makes you rash, irritable, difficult to deal with, even by your own standards and unnaturally angry at what would normally pass through your periphery  without a second glance.  I suppose the point I’m not making very well, is that you can become very distracted, so lost about where your going and the path you want to be on.

I found myself at this point recently, after admittedly struggling for what has been a few weeks now. I’m slowly bringing it back, but there are always going to be days where i feel alone, lost on an island, finding solace and misery in equal measures at being on my own. I thought this was happily miserable for a while, until you realize (shockingly) that being what passes as miserable can’t be considered an exactly pleasurable experience. It’s at this point, at the low you don’t want anyone to see where the unexpected comes around.  The unexpected positivity.

For as long as i can remember, I’ve struggled to understand positivity. I’ve always been convinced its hiding a darker, more selfish intention; “why would people want the best for someone else?”- as for a long time i have done all i can to convince myself that my purpose, my reason to wake up in the morning was to show others how brilliant, wonderful, beautifully amazing they are and what they have the potential to be, at no matter what cost to myself. However a recent, albeit fleeting lunch with my best friend got me thinking and in many ways has made me wander about the life i was living, the life i thought was they key to the door of “everything.”

She says these days she is surrounded by powerful, inspiring, positive people, those so full of joy and happiness for everything they are and everything they believe she can be. Through this she feels a sense of purpose, of belonging among people who love her, and want for her only to be happy. The sort of people she surrounds herself with make her want to be a better person and work hard to be in a better place everyday.  Now as I’m sure you’d gathered she has always been that to me, a person so charismatic, happy, so full of positive joy even after going through so much. She proceeds with her head held high, looking for the next challenge, the next adventure of life and love.

Its truly something the way she is- i love her for it, she’s dam fabulous. Point being though i never really thought i had that in my life, beyond her, that positive outlook, that desire for me to be happy never really passed into something i thought about, being personally connected to someone and the positive influence that they could bring into your life. I guess being connected, wanted, arguably “happy” in a single moment was left largely ignored.

Less people, less connections, less risk to pain, less pain. That was always the thought. With the recent return to the Palace i find myself talking more to people who I’ve trod very carefully around previously, making sure to keep them at arms length and away from my inner darkness, for it meant they would not cause pain. My paranoia is a topic for another day, for its the results of letting people into my life and allowing them to see who i really am, more than the character i play, or the person i think i’m supposed to be that has created the point where i find myself now. I let these people in, did what i can to build them up as i would do before, but with a difference. A difference and what turned out to be a rather life affirming experience.

My recent period of darkness acquired the attention of people i thought i had at distance, but i realize now that we are closer than i thought, for they aren’t just people i know, people that work in the same building i do. They are my friends. The darkness made me realize this, for when they see me, feeling alone, stuck on this island with what feels like no way out, they did what they could to bring me back. In their own way, these two random, strange, confusing people, who 3 months ago i barely even noticed most of the time, considering how long I’ve known them for fear of what might or might not happen. You find yourself going through something and expect its easier to do it alone you’d be wrong, for people and their positive brilliance can be amazing.

Through this period, they were there for me, i guess that’s the best way of saying it. Listening to be miserable, sad, lonely and angry. Annoyed i let myself get to the point of what felt like no return, they listened. I felt, somehow not as alone, not stuck between a rock and a hard place, somehow more connected, to both the world and myself than i ever have done. These brilliant people, both in their own unique way, bringing me back from the darkness, shining a form of hope for what i want to be through the brilliant white hot light of what i had become.

They are weird. They are confusing. They are nothing like i thought they were.  I’m eternally grateful to them for this, their unexpected positivity, happiness and joy made me feel protected, like the problems i feel so powerfully weren’t going to be as difficult to deal with, because I don’t have to do it alone. I guess this is a lesson in unexpected positivity, you never know what people are capable of, for if you never give them the chance, you never know how your mind will react to brilliance like that. Simple yet brilliantly individual unexpected positivity.

An odd feeling, yet quite a beautiful one.

Yours, with love as always.


Falling- or Growing?

Good evening ladies and gentleman

I wander, often aimlessly, through my Palace of Darkness. This mental playground, a battlefront surrounding the inner darkest parts of my soul from everything and everyone. My Palace has protected me for so long, it has been a sanctuary as i try to do something worthwhile, something meaningful with my life. With the most ironic thing being of late in this ignorance of life to try and find something meaningful, I’m not really sure what the word “meaningful” means anymore.

Its as if, and i know this is a horrible cliche- I’m falling, always falling. I work so hard to be open to life, to love and all of the advantages and pitfalls that have become all to familiar, to let myself get to the point of feeling what passes for happy, to feel something more relevant than the bullshit you listen to yourself go on, on and on about. It’s obviously rare to find something like that and what’s worse, to me at the moment has the potential to be spectacular.

To tell you the truth, no matter of the differences between the person i want to be, the person that i should be and the one i look at in the mirror every morning, i find myself confused. Perhaps because i don’t know where I am or where I’m going, but because once upon a time i was so sure of what was happening in my mind, so sure of what i wanted to be and who i wanted to be. Now though. it feels like i don’t know anything. The distinctions between these people i once felt were so clear and concise have become so much blurrier recently as this new version of myself begins to take centre stage.

Yet somehow as i start to fall through the gaps of these ideas, thoughts and feelings, i find myself yearning to return to the darker parts of the Palace, the wonderfully dark, peaceful, confusing, complicated, odd, misery inducing, fear enticing place i have for so long spent all of my mental down time meandering around.

The Palace has been my “place” for so long, i hate so much about it, but it, when all is said and done and whether i like it or not, is me. When all is said and done, and for what feels like forever now, I have been trying to understand the geography of this ever changing mental landscape, in some hope it would help me understand myself and the world around me a little better. More recently though i find myself confused whether I’m happy, proud, angry, or even wanting to feel anything,  because I’ve missed so much previously, in trying to understand myself and what I am. I don’t want it to seem like I’m blaming an idea that is essentially me, but especially recently i wander what i have been missing out on and what has the ability to make me feel so alone.

Being alone doesn’t bother me normally, so why all of a sudden do I feel stuck in the Palace, not really knowing where i am, what I’m doing or where I’m going? Why did i get to the point where i felt alone and it bothered me?  I know in the modern world connectivity has become a questionable topic, in the physical, technological and mental sense, but being distant throughout all of these left me lost almost. Sat in the Palace miserable and lonely in a place that i thought was everything to me, only for a development in myself as a person would create a question, and fleck of doubt in something i was so sure of, a confidence shaken in the direction i was going in, something i was once so sure of.

What if I’ve been looking at this the wrong way? What if I’ve been looking at the creation of a feeling that can easily be seen as misery, as running away, as avoiding what I’m doing or feeling in the present moment, the same way i always have? Thinking like this has never really been of any benefit before, so maybe this is where I’ve been going wrong? The question is, am i falling away from the resolve and the person i who choose to be, or is this a period of growth, a test of my mentality to come out the other side a better version of myself.

The argument i have worked to since i started Thinking Evolution has been to “choose to think better feeling thoughts,” and to me, is the most important thing i can ever say, write or live to, because when all is said and done, we are the choices that we make.  We can have chemical imbalances, bad days, good days, dramatic fears of loss , loss itself, grieving, misery or depression- the potential list is endless. It can seem like the world is forever looking for ways to bring us down and put a big dent into the resolve we have worked so hard to maintain, the resolve that exists for your creativity, the art you pride yourself on, that makes your heart beat faster and want to jump so much higher. We need this resolve, because its us.

Through all the disappearing into the lower, much darker regions of the Palace, i worry about myself, what i am becoming and what’s happening to my resolve. I hope though, for myself, that things will come good. I guess the main thing to remember, through it all, is that bad times are going to happen. The way i feel right now, living in this mental grand Palace i have devised for myself while locking parts of me away will get better. When you hit the lowest of low points, the only way is up right? I like to think so- i kind of have to.

We have to have days like this, for this is the only way any of us, how I am to grow as a human being and as a man. Without experience, of good days, bad days, misery, happiness, love, hate, irritation, anger, rage and everything in between, what are we really doing- what am i really doing? The times that give me pleasure, that make me feel good may seem so far away right now, but they will come back, for this is what I choose to believe.

I believed i was falling, as i have done so many times before through another period of misery. No, not this time. I am growing through this, soon to come out through the other side with a different perspective, from the same point of view.

For this, when all is said and done- is growth.

Yours, with love as always


Obsessive Compulsive Purpose

Good evening ladies and gentleman- dam its good to be back…

So as of recently with the random swathes of strange moods, compulsively negative forms of processing ideas and a generally quite exhausting way of living and thinking, I find myself wondering, curious even about purpose. For many years I, as I’m sure many of you have spent many a night alone thinking about what it means and to me, why the world seems so fearful of purpose, or maybe more likely, why we are so scared of not being able to find it.

As the world plods on through the endless generational cycle of life and death, there is no ignoring that the population is growing faster and faster every year.  We are having children younger, in certain cultures having forever bigger families and as we speak in 2017- everybody is living a lot longer. Yet the world has not grown in size and the whether we like it or not, we need the world more than it needs us.

Quite frankly ask the right people and we are destroying the world, even though others will argue its just a commercial ideology being used to pump money into economies that don’t need it for us to buy things that we are told will save the world. Still, I don’t know enough about the complexities of the global warming argument along with the fact that you didn’t really come to read that.

The point i’m trying to make, as we continue to grow in number and as technology continues on this forever ending quest to make life easier, faster, communicating across the world in seconds, while making it infinitely harder to actually communicate with people when we see them (look at me, being moral from behind a screen) finding a meaning, a purpose for your existence, your life of love, ideas, beautiful brilliance and often debilitating fear is not that easy to find. Even if you do find it, understanding and utilizing it to the best of your ability comes with its own set of challenges.

Still, this almost obsessive compulsive need to find your purpose, to have a higher purpose in life beyond paying bills in a job you don’t like, going on holidays that don’t interest you and simply waiting for your time to expire and the clock to strike to zero is something i feel we all have, in our own way. If not for any other reason but for the fear of not living, being stuck doing nothing more than existing. Seems like a poor life, you could have millions upon millions in the bank, but that would still  be impoverished way of living, to me.

Once upon a time i was talking to a dear friend about purpose. She suggested that love is the key, to purpose. To have someone to lie next to in the morning, not wanting to get out of bed, not because you don’t see the point, but because in that moment, as you lie with her listening to your heartbeat or as you lie with him finding solace and comfort in that familiar beat, seeing through all the bullshit modern life can throw at us. To have a child, and for this child to truly need you for survival, to be second in command of your life as you work tirelessly to keep what seems like a big buzzing ball of energy together and safe as he or she finds their way in this forever changing world.

Since this conversation, the whole idea of having a purpose, a reason to wake up and get out of bed in the morning in hot anticipation of a great need for slumber upon your return to bed has been niggling at me, like an itch you can’t quite reach or a problem that seems to be missing a piece. To me, i have always taken life as something that you design, to make things better, to make yourself better. I have always believed that at no matter what cost, you should leave this world, at no matter what age, in a better state than the way it was when you arrived. It doesn’t matter how, or to what scale, you could have a brilliantly positive effect on the lives of a few people, for the love you share with someone could truly be a revolution, or an evolution in the way they think and feel, or you could change the world as you know it for millions and millions of people through the freedom and choices in the way you think, feel and show the world who you are.

While this belief remains in me, at what cost to yourself, to myself and to the life you lead?  I wander about the ability to sacrifice, to look past your personal obsessive compulsive desire to find purpose in order to facilitate the purpose and happiness of others. For if someone wants you in their life, if someone feels like they need you in someway, the positive effects on you could be monumental and whether you’re happy to admit it to yourself or the people around you, these sensations are going to feel good.

Sacrifice and the resulting problems of being alone, not seeing the potential beauty and brilliance the world has to offer if you just shone a torch through the inky blackness of idealized necessity, makes for a strange sense of irony in this cauldron of obsessive compulsive purpose.

If you live for others, truly at no thought to yourself, how much a positive influence and subsequent positive purpose will you have in their life? Admittedly there will be times when sacrifice is necessary, but not because its going to make something good for someone else right now or just for them in the singular, but for you too. You may not see it right now, but this sacrifice now may bring you closer to where you want to be in the future, but as a life purpose?

Surely if you were to let something go in your life, surely it should be for the good of you and this forever changing path we all find ourselves on? Furthermore i don’t know that living like this would be that beneficial for these people, leaving them concentrated on you losing everything and moving things around for the good of them, even though all they want for you, is as you want for them; to be happy and fulfilled in the person you are becoming and in the connections you are sharing.

So maybe this obsessive compulsive purpose isn’t the way to live truly and find our purpose in life, maybe its more a connectivity sort of thing. If you can connect with people, find a way of living positively and purely, love just for the sake of it, get hurt and learn from it, jump up and fall down so many times just because. Maybe this is our purpose in life. Simply to live, and to be as happy as we choose to be and exist as purely to who we want to be.

Maybe rather than compulsively looking for purpose, live to yourself and it will show itself to you.

Love to hear your thoughts.

Yours, with love as always.