Unexpected Positivity

Good evening ladies and gentleman.

I find myself in a strange place, understanding more of what being “stuck between a rock and a hard place” really means. Its a particularly confusing sensation, in which its difficult to know what to do, where to go, or how to move anywhere, backwards or forwards from where you find yourself. Like I said last time round, its like falling through to the darkest parts of my complicated, ever growing and expanding Palace of Darkness.

However, in recent times of confusion, anger and irritation i find myself looking backwards, to the problems of being “defeated,” or allowing something, someone get to me in a way that i could do nothing about. I ‘ve already spent a dam long time thinking about that and its driving me down a road i don’t want to go down. Reality is far different though, as letting it play on every conscious fiber of your mind really isn’t an advantageous way of dealing with anything. The only real thing that can be taken from that experience is an insurmountable level of total and utter exhaustion.

Like many mental states and issues that occur in people across the different demographics across the world, exhaustion has a funny way of affecting us all. The lack of sleep being the foremost issue, beyond that It makes you rash, irritable, difficult to deal with, even by your own standards and unnaturally angry at what would normally pass through your periphery  without a second glance.  I suppose the point I’m not making very well, is that you can become very distracted, so lost about where your going and the path you want to be on.

I found myself at this point recently, after admittedly struggling for what has been a few weeks now. I’m slowly bringing it back, but there are always going to be days where i feel alone, lost on an island, finding solace and misery in equal measures at being on my own. I thought this was happily miserable for a while, until you realize (shockingly) that being what passes as miserable can’t be considered an exactly pleasurable experience. It’s at this point, at the low you don’t want anyone to see where the unexpected comes around.  The unexpected positivity.

For as long as i can remember, I’ve struggled to understand positivity. I’ve always been convinced its hiding a darker, more selfish intention; “why would people want the best for someone else?”- as for a long time i have done all i can to convince myself that my purpose, my reason to wake up in the morning was to show others how brilliant, wonderful, beautifully amazing they are and what they have the potential to be, at no matter what cost to myself. However a recent, albeit fleeting lunch with my best friend got me thinking and in many ways has made me wander about the life i was living, the life i thought was they key to the door of “everything.”

She says these days she is surrounded by powerful, inspiring, positive people, those so full of joy and happiness for everything they are and everything they believe she can be. Through this she feels a sense of purpose, of belonging among people who love her, and want for her only to be happy. The sort of people she surrounds herself with make her want to be a better person and work hard to be in a better place everyday.  Now as I’m sure you’d gathered she has always been that to me, a person so charismatic, happy, so full of positive joy even after going through so much. She proceeds with her head held high, looking for the next challenge, the next adventure of life and love.

Its truly something the way she is- i love her for it, she’s dam fabulous. Point being though i never really thought i had that in my life, beyond her, that positive outlook, that desire for me to be happy never really passed into something i thought about, being personally connected to someone and the positive influence that they could bring into your life. I guess being connected, wanted, arguably “happy” in a single moment was left largely ignored.

Less people, less connections, less risk to pain, less pain. That was always the thought. With the recent return to the Palace i find myself talking more to people who I’ve trod very carefully around previously, making sure to keep them at arms length and away from my inner darkness, for it meant they would not cause pain. My paranoia is a topic for another day, for its the results of letting people into my life and allowing them to see who i really am, more than the character i play, or the person i think i’m supposed to be that has created the point where i find myself now. I let these people in, did what i can to build them up as i would do before, but with a difference. A difference and what turned out to be a rather life affirming experience.

My recent period of darkness acquired the attention of people i thought i had at distance, but i realize now that we are closer than i thought, for they aren’t just people i know, people that work in the same building i do. They are my friends. The darkness made me realize this, for when they see me, feeling alone, stuck on this island with what feels like no way out, they did what they could to bring me back. In their own way, these two random, strange, confusing people, who 3 months ago i barely even noticed most of the time, considering how long I’ve known them for fear of what might or might not happen. You find yourself going through something and expect its easier to do it alone you’d be wrong, for people and their positive brilliance can be amazing.

Through this period, they were there for me, i guess that’s the best way of saying it. Listening to be miserable, sad, lonely and angry. Annoyed i let myself get to the point of what felt like no return, they listened. I felt, somehow not as alone, not stuck between a rock and a hard place, somehow more connected, to both the world and myself than i ever have done. These brilliant people, both in their own unique way, bringing me back from the darkness, shining a form of hope for what i want to be through the brilliant white hot light of what i had become.

They are weird. They are confusing. They are nothing like i thought they were.  I’m eternally grateful to them for this, their unexpected positivity, happiness and joy made me feel protected, like the problems i feel so powerfully weren’t going to be as difficult to deal with, because I don’t have to do it alone. I guess this is a lesson in unexpected positivity, you never know what people are capable of, for if you never give them the chance, you never know how your mind will react to brilliance like that. Simple yet brilliantly individual unexpected positivity.

An odd feeling, yet quite a beautiful one.

Yours, with love as always.


Falling- or Growing?

Good evening ladies and gentleman

I wander, often aimlessly, through my Palace of Darkness. This mental playground, a battlefront surrounding the inner darkest parts of my soul from everything and everyone. My Palace has protected me for so long, it has been a sanctuary as i try to do something worthwhile, something meaningful with my life. With the most ironic thing being of late in this ignorance of life to try and find something meaningful, I’m not really sure what the word “meaningful” means anymore.

Its as if, and i know this is a horrible cliche- I’m falling, always falling. I work so hard to be open to life, to love and all of the advantages and pitfalls that have become all to familiar, to let myself get to the point of feeling what passes for happy, to feel something more relevant than the bullshit you listen to yourself go on, on and on about. It’s obviously rare to find something like that and what’s worse, to me at the moment has the potential to be spectacular.

To tell you the truth, no matter of the differences between the person i want to be, the person that i should be and the one i look at in the mirror every morning, i find myself confused. Perhaps because i don’t know where I am or where I’m going, but because once upon a time i was so sure of what was happening in my mind, so sure of what i wanted to be and who i wanted to be. Now though. it feels like i don’t know anything. The distinctions between these people i once felt were so clear and concise have become so much blurrier recently as this new version of myself begins to take centre stage.

Yet somehow as i start to fall through the gaps of these ideas, thoughts and feelings, i find myself yearning to return to the darker parts of the Palace, the wonderfully dark, peaceful, confusing, complicated, odd, misery inducing, fear enticing place i have for so long spent all of my mental down time meandering around.

The Palace has been my “place” for so long, i hate so much about it, but it, when all is said and done and whether i like it or not, is me. When all is said and done, and for what feels like forever now, I have been trying to understand the geography of this ever changing mental landscape, in some hope it would help me understand myself and the world around me a little better. More recently though i find myself confused whether I’m happy, proud, angry, or even wanting to feel anything,  because I’ve missed so much previously, in trying to understand myself and what I am. I don’t want it to seem like I’m blaming an idea that is essentially me, but especially recently i wander what i have been missing out on and what has the ability to make me feel so alone.

Being alone doesn’t bother me normally, so why all of a sudden do I feel stuck in the Palace, not really knowing where i am, what I’m doing or where I’m going? Why did i get to the point where i felt alone and it bothered me?  I know in the modern world connectivity has become a questionable topic, in the physical, technological and mental sense, but being distant throughout all of these left me lost almost. Sat in the Palace miserable and lonely in a place that i thought was everything to me, only for a development in myself as a person would create a question, and fleck of doubt in something i was so sure of, a confidence shaken in the direction i was going in, something i was once so sure of.

What if I’ve been looking at this the wrong way? What if I’ve been looking at the creation of a feeling that can easily be seen as misery, as running away, as avoiding what I’m doing or feeling in the present moment, the same way i always have? Thinking like this has never really been of any benefit before, so maybe this is where I’ve been going wrong? The question is, am i falling away from the resolve and the person i who choose to be, or is this a period of growth, a test of my mentality to come out the other side a better version of myself.

The argument i have worked to since i started Thinking Evolution has been to “choose to think better feeling thoughts,” and to me, is the most important thing i can ever say, write or live to, because when all is said and done, we are the choices that we make.  We can have chemical imbalances, bad days, good days, dramatic fears of loss , loss itself, grieving, misery or depression- the potential list is endless. It can seem like the world is forever looking for ways to bring us down and put a big dent into the resolve we have worked so hard to maintain, the resolve that exists for your creativity, the art you pride yourself on, that makes your heart beat faster and want to jump so much higher. We need this resolve, because its us.

Through all the disappearing into the lower, much darker regions of the Palace, i worry about myself, what i am becoming and what’s happening to my resolve. I hope though, for myself, that things will come good. I guess the main thing to remember, through it all, is that bad times are going to happen. The way i feel right now, living in this mental grand Palace i have devised for myself while locking parts of me away will get better. When you hit the lowest of low points, the only way is up right? I like to think so- i kind of have to.

We have to have days like this, for this is the only way any of us, how I am to grow as a human being and as a man. Without experience, of good days, bad days, misery, happiness, love, hate, irritation, anger, rage and everything in between, what are we really doing- what am i really doing? The times that give me pleasure, that make me feel good may seem so far away right now, but they will come back, for this is what I choose to believe.

I believed i was falling, as i have done so many times before through another period of misery. No, not this time. I am growing through this, soon to come out through the other side with a different perspective, from the same point of view.

For this, when all is said and done- is growth.

Yours, with love as always


Obsessive Compulsive Purpose

Good evening ladies and gentleman- dam its good to be back…

So as of recently with the random swathes of strange moods, compulsively negative forms of processing ideas and a generally quite exhausting way of living and thinking, I find myself wondering, curious even about purpose. For many years I, as I’m sure many of you have spent many a night alone thinking about what it means and to me, why the world seems so fearful of purpose, or maybe more likely, why we are so scared of not being able to find it.

As the world plods on through the endless generational cycle of life and death, there is no ignoring that the population is growing faster and faster every year.  We are having children younger, in certain cultures having forever bigger families and as we speak in 2017- everybody is living a lot longer. Yet the world has not grown in size and the whether we like it or not, we need the world more than it needs us.

Quite frankly ask the right people and we are destroying the world, even though others will argue its just a commercial ideology being used to pump money into economies that don’t need it for us to buy things that we are told will save the world. Still, I don’t know enough about the complexities of the global warming argument along with the fact that you didn’t really come to read that.

The point i’m trying to make, as we continue to grow in number and as technology continues on this forever ending quest to make life easier, faster, communicating across the world in seconds, while making it infinitely harder to actually communicate with people when we see them (look at me, being moral from behind a screen) finding a meaning, a purpose for your existence, your life of love, ideas, beautiful brilliance and often debilitating fear is not that easy to find. Even if you do find it, understanding and utilizing it to the best of your ability comes with its own set of challenges.

Still, this almost obsessive compulsive need to find your purpose, to have a higher purpose in life beyond paying bills in a job you don’t like, going on holidays that don’t interest you and simply waiting for your time to expire and the clock to strike to zero is something i feel we all have, in our own way. If not for any other reason but for the fear of not living, being stuck doing nothing more than existing. Seems like a poor life, you could have millions upon millions in the bank, but that would still  be impoverished way of living, to me.

Once upon a time i was talking to a dear friend about purpose. She suggested that love is the key, to purpose. To have someone to lie next to in the morning, not wanting to get out of bed, not because you don’t see the point, but because in that moment, as you lie with her listening to your heartbeat or as you lie with him finding solace and comfort in that familiar beat, seeing through all the bullshit modern life can throw at us. To have a child, and for this child to truly need you for survival, to be second in command of your life as you work tirelessly to keep what seems like a big buzzing ball of energy together and safe as he or she finds their way in this forever changing world.

Since this conversation, the whole idea of having a purpose, a reason to wake up and get out of bed in the morning in hot anticipation of a great need for slumber upon your return to bed has been niggling at me, like an itch you can’t quite reach or a problem that seems to be missing a piece. To me, i have always taken life as something that you design, to make things better, to make yourself better. I have always believed that at no matter what cost, you should leave this world, at no matter what age, in a better state than the way it was when you arrived. It doesn’t matter how, or to what scale, you could have a brilliantly positive effect on the lives of a few people, for the love you share with someone could truly be a revolution, or an evolution in the way they think and feel, or you could change the world as you know it for millions and millions of people through the freedom and choices in the way you think, feel and show the world who you are.

While this belief remains in me, at what cost to yourself, to myself and to the life you lead?  I wander about the ability to sacrifice, to look past your personal obsessive compulsive desire to find purpose in order to facilitate the purpose and happiness of others. For if someone wants you in their life, if someone feels like they need you in someway, the positive effects on you could be monumental and whether you’re happy to admit it to yourself or the people around you, these sensations are going to feel good.

Sacrifice and the resulting problems of being alone, not seeing the potential beauty and brilliance the world has to offer if you just shone a torch through the inky blackness of idealized necessity, makes for a strange sense of irony in this cauldron of obsessive compulsive purpose.

If you live for others, truly at no thought to yourself, how much a positive influence and subsequent positive purpose will you have in their life? Admittedly there will be times when sacrifice is necessary, but not because its going to make something good for someone else right now or just for them in the singular, but for you too. You may not see it right now, but this sacrifice now may bring you closer to where you want to be in the future, but as a life purpose?

Surely if you were to let something go in your life, surely it should be for the good of you and this forever changing path we all find ourselves on? Furthermore i don’t know that living like this would be that beneficial for these people, leaving them concentrated on you losing everything and moving things around for the good of them, even though all they want for you, is as you want for them; to be happy and fulfilled in the person you are becoming and in the connections you are sharing.

So maybe this obsessive compulsive purpose isn’t the way to live truly and find our purpose in life, maybe its more a connectivity sort of thing. If you can connect with people, find a way of living positively and purely, love just for the sake of it, get hurt and learn from it, jump up and fall down so many times just because. Maybe this is our purpose in life. Simply to live, and to be as happy as we choose to be and exist as purely to who we want to be.

Maybe rather than compulsively looking for purpose, live to yourself and it will show itself to you.

Love to hear your thoughts.

Yours, with love as always.




Good morning ladies and gentleman

So, its been nearly three weeks since we last spoke, the recent dose of corrective laser eye surgery putting me out of action for sometime. Its a long term recovery process and am still far from where I’m going to be, but not doing anything towards Thinking Evolution for 20 odd days started an odd thought revolving around my mind.

It can often seem like the world is on steroids. Everything is fast, and forever getting faster. We are always looking for the next best thing or idea that will revolutionize the way we see the world or how we communicate. We want everything and to be able to do everything as soon as possible, instantaneous inter-connectivity. In some modern circles we act like its a right to be able to tweet on command, send that text to confess some deep dark secret or ring someone after drinking the equivalent of the North Sea in whisky to tell them how much you love them.

We do this, I believe, because this life and the way modern society has become is very second nature to us. Wi-fi is everywhere, they are forever increasing your signal range as it becomes easier and easier to communicate from  the furthest corners of the planet. Now this is far from a bad thing, the fact we have the ability to communicate such vast distances so easily is a true thing of beauty, and a perfect explanation for the brilliance of technology in our modern age. As with the speed of our lives, efficiently streamlining previously wasteful and quite dreary processes that have wasted so much time. The way the world can be, when we try, is outstanding. The problem is, to me, when   things aren’t really new to us anymore.

For all of our fears, thoughts and desires, the idea of change is intertwined into everything. Now I’ve talked about change a lot, for that change is good, to keep moving forward as long as you remember where you’ve been. Respect it and the change coming forward will be yours. This change we fear, when we build and build and bring about this movement in our lives, brings without a strange novelty of the new reality. Even with things like wi-fi, hardly a mentally dominating idea, but it changed the way the world communicates and exists forever. This was new, as with many things, new things are always interesting- when they are new. Time passes though, days become weeks and months often in the blink of an eye, with the inevitability of these new brilliant things just become part of the background. When you get to the point where you don’t remember life without something and how that felt, its changed to you. Something beautiful about it, a thing, or even someone who means so much to you, is lost.

This, among many things, is part of the never ending battle to keep away from the dreary mediocrities of modern life. As when you can’t remember someone not being part of your life, or more specifically, how that felt, a special part of you and this relationship, with a thing, idea or a person becomes almost boring if you let it- like its part of the decoration. To assume it, or they will be a part of your life regardless is foolhardy at best, simply for the fact that its at times like this when brilliant and beautiful moments become nothing more than an ending and painful memory.

There is no way of dealing with this, no grand solution or differing choice of thought. What there is though, is the acknowledgement that this idea exists and we must find a way of dealing with it. As without acknowledgement, relationships become what they could have been, ideas and thoughts what you should have done. The result is a particularly awful sensation that you are stuck, as if between a rock and hard place, and for all of the fears i have this truly terrifies me.

I lost writing for a while, This whole thing with the laser surgery and my mental decline running up to it meant i couldn’t see what i was doing, not sure where i was supposed to be, or what i wanted to be. Its confusing set of feelings when you don’t know what you are. I still can’t really explain it, but for both physical and mental reasons i got to the point where i didn’t recognize the man staring back at me in the mirror.

This disappearance, and not being able to do something that has been there with breathing, eating and sleeping for the last year or so made me realize how important certain things and certain people are to me. Writing and Thinking Evolution means so much to me, fuck, it basically is me, or so i have believed for so long now. Yet its not that simple, for to become who we want to be, we need to see all of who we are, the good parts , bad parts, the flaws and the imperfections. I need all of me, for writing and Thinking Evolution to work. as losing you and losing this has made me realize there is more to me than writing, and i should embrace the brilliance of what the world can be, not just in my writing, but for life too.

Maybe this is what i have missed for so long. To be your true self and through this live as purely as we can to the morals and beliefs that make us who we are, we have to embrace every part of us. This sounds so obvious, but I feel like i have been cherry picking through the “useful” characteristics of my personality for so long now,, you start to wander which way you’re supposed to look, or in which way your supposed to live. This random decision to ignore parts of who you are can be damaging to many things, but most importantly, your happiness.

Hence why the comeback is so important.

For i am DR. But there is so much more to life, and more to me than that. This is my comeback. I’m back and dam i’ve missed you. I’m not sad i was gone though, for i’m back stronger and better than ever before for us to grow, to think of the complexities of life, love and everything in between, and collectively understand the nature of choosing to think better feeling thoughts.

Not to just think it though. To feel it, to be a part of it and when all is said and done-

Live for it.

Yours, with love as always.

Random picture

The Show

Good evening ladies and gentleman

“Do not go gentle into that goodnight….rage, rage against the dying of the light….”

I found this phrase many years ago and have since used it as a fight against loss, being defeated and most importantly against the idea of “giving up.” Recently it has come round again and the more i think about it, the more i realize how incredibly powerful it is. For, in many ways, its how we live purely, become the ultimate version of ourselves and in our own way truly “master” life.

However, more recently i have found myself…detached. Detached in the sense that the connections that mean so much are nothing more than distant fantasies, ideas dying before they have even began, feelings no more than distractions to the overall goal. Not just through my writing or Thinking Evolution but through all of my life, in love and everything that comes with it. I don’t even know what the goal I’ve been driving towards really is, all i know is that I don’t know.

That phrase. That dam phrase.

I don’t know

I don’t know

I don’t know

You cannot begin to imagine how many times I’ve said that in the last few days. Again and again. Its almost like i don’t know where i fit in to reality anymore. It’s as if I’ve created a show for this person, showing the world this version of me, this hateful, bitter, angry man, fearful even of his own reflection for how it would judge him for being such a fool, watching opportunities float by and being glad to watch them fall over the edge to the abyss below, moments lost to misery.

I feel like this, so happily lost in the miserable familiarity, because i have always believed that I’m really good at it. Through this man, this version of myself that truly loathes people and all they can be, the man forever looking for flaws in people, pointing them out as he “sees so much” for the fear of looking at himself, at myself. I have convinced myself over the years that I don’t need people, that they don’t matter, just people living normal lives, to the compulsive standards of a society that just wants them to listen to anything but the heart and soul that drives them. The part of them that is truly “raging against the dying of the light.”

I know this man. For many years, i have been this man. Right now, from where I’m sitting, I’m not proud of the show that i have created and especially not of the person i have become. Being him just for a day is exhausting and I’ve been doing it for years. Compare this person, this fool, this scared, uncomfortable, worried, ball of anxiety, anger, rage and stress, to me, as you all know me- to DR. I am most at home with you, most at home being this person when I’m writing, when I’m so deep in thought about a certain subject or idea, a thought or feeling that creates such a unique feeling of brilliant wander and excitement. Its like electricity surging through me, the energy i feel as this version of me, the truly pure me is let loose.

No show, no pretense to keep up. Just me, sat in front of a screen, tapping away at the keys, trying to do some good for the world and the people who are living here, for if somehow, somewhere, someone sees a part of their world, a part of their darkness a little differently as a results of my random thoughts and emotions and maybe even feel a little more positive about life, love and everything in between, then maybe i would be doing some good with my time.

I like this version of me more, because i guess i am disconnected from these standards i have been living to for so long, this need for perfection, forever living to the ideals and morals of those around me, living to the opinions of other people and not to myself. Playing a character in this story i have written so well for myself, in the show I’ve been a part of for so long now.

That makes it sound like we are different people. We aren’t. For the first time in my life, I am owning what i am and the person i have become after all this time. I have been hiding from myself and what i want to be for so long now, running this show, playing a character for so long I’m starting to wander who i really am. Even to my dearest best friends, those who have been watching me destroy myself again and again are seeing what I’ve become, this showman. I have been, for too long now treating them as part of the show, as this piece in my grand puzzle of life that means i somehow win. How is this winning? A loss of beautifully brilliant powerful connections with people i love so dam much to the point it makes me forget how much i hate myself, never expecting to reach or exceed the forever growing standards of myself and the and thoughts of everyone else.

For a long time now i have been feeling like i am missing something and I feel like i may have found at least part of the answer, the missing link, the last brick on the path to my own Thinking Evolution. I am hiding from the world behind this screen, from my own standards, so saturated in negativity, in pain, anguish, rage, irritation, anger and jealousy. For so long, i thought i was being the person I was supposed to be, the person that would fit into the world the best, that would be liked, get along with people and find the real meaning of love and life.

Not realizing that in being who I am, seeing the simple beauty of living for the experience rather than the theory, living in the moment, right then, in an instant that feels so good that no ridiculous ideals, not out there standards of perfection are ever relevant. For in that moment, there is no show and there is nobody to impress, nobody to show how great i am, just me, here in what feels like this perfect moment.

How am I ever going to know what life and love truly feels like, living in this single perspective, working only for theory and not feeling it, experiencing all the beautiful wander the world can offer? if i remain in this single perspective mind, scared of what has been, what is and what might be, for it could make me look less than i’m “supposed to be,” scared of what i want to be, then I’m not really living at all, choosing to remain in the dark.

Its at this point we find ourselves back where we started and to “rage against the dying of the light.” For so long now, i have believed i am the character on the show, my life is the story i have created to fit a script i want nothing to do with.  I have been raging against the dying light for so long, choosing not to see it- for i am DR, I always have been. The character is who I’ve shown to the world for so long now, I had forgotten who i was, not seeing what is so obvious.

I have been hiding from myself and these perfect expectations, while not really wanting to live truly as me. It seems  about time i gave myself a chance at the reins in this complicated world i find myself in. Its not going to be easy, its not going to happen immediately, but this is truly my Thinking Evolution.

If i can accept who I am, through the fear, the adventure and the choice to think better feeling thoughts with the help and support of people who I’m closest to, then maybe, just maybe….

I might just get to be happy.

Yours, with love as always.


Good evening ladies and gentleman

I have always been infuriated by this idea of “OK, that’s the way it is.” What’s the point of being able to think freely and without bias if we aren’t actually going to use this brilliant skill we have to the biggest advantage we can.  As times and societies have developed, this ability to change, to evolve and be so much more than we are right now, to run, to work, to graft so much to get to that higher point, to reach the very peak of that mountain and give yourself a reason to be so much more is forever growing, and forever coming up against more formidable opposition.

I feel like we don’t like to be surprised, to live for the moment as you cry with laughter, to cry with sadness, to love so powerfully, to run so fast, to feel an icy wind bracing against you in the vast “colorlessness” of a snow covered landscape, to feel the sun baking down on you as the waves lap between your toes on a beautiful beach, to have amazing, soul connecting sex, to connect with people to the point you feel so much comfort just hearing them breathe as you hug them. This is the challenge- but the question is how do we challenge the world to get to that point? Through change, yet i find its something we have all feared at some point.

I have always seen change as this daunting thing, this huge deal that we always brace for, as we never really know when its coming. You don’t know what’s going to happen, so how would you ever know how to deal with it? You wouldn’t until it happens. This “not knowing” pushes people to avoid change and find comfort in reliable familiarity, from the job that doesn’t fulfill you, to the things you hope will make you happy and at times the relationships we fail to maintain as the spark that once held you so close to one another seems nothing more than a beautiful memory, now a distant fantasy.

What if we are always changing, always evolving in some way and this fear of change is us just putting a block on what we are told will be a problem- what we have been taught might not necessarily be acceptable? Be it by other people or even by ourselves? Take the connections and relationships we have throughout our lives, they are all different, from the relationship you have with your mother to your father, to your friends and enemies, current partners and those you have longed for in the past. Each relationship is different on a most fundamental level through the chemistry you share with this person.

What is chemistry? Chemically speaking, its taking two raw materials and reacting them together to get something new and in the vast majority of cases, better- a more improved version of the materials if you will. This positively high school definition is something that can be taken to the connections and relationships we have had across our lives up to the present moment in the connections we share now, for the impact they can have on your future is truly enormous.

I have been unable to understand this idea of chemistry between two people for many years, confused by the idea of relationships having a “spark,” where this people share good “chemistry” in order to be closer and have a deeper, more meaningful relationship. Even in the endless television and film reviews where the main characters of the story “shared good chemistry.” These phrases just seemed really odd. When you sit down and think about it though,  chemistry is so important to our development as people, critical in how we evolve through time and grow to the people we have become and as we continue to grow in the future.

Take a recent conversation with a close friend of mine. She says that the key thing to her ideological relationship, even to her ideological friendship, is simply to understand her. Now for the many years I’ve known this fabulously oddly wonderful person, to start with i didn’t see it- quite frankly when I met her, i found her positively infuriating. I have grown and developed ( I like to think) since this period in my life and now it seems to make more sense who she is and what she wants to be. She doesn’t connect with people well, for she doesn’t really know how to, so the outlandish”ness” in her was a way to be noticed, to stand out, even thought there is far more too her.

So as i have developed, she has too, and through the admittedly complicated, often very emotionally, negatively charged, rather exhaustive chemistry we once shared, our relationship and the resulting chemistry has evolved. The result is this- i sort of understand her and she sort of understands me. I will never claim to understand everything, especially her, but i remain steadfast on this idea that we have a chemistry of sorts, a spark that means we are happily comfortable around each other, to talk and think freely without being judged, to talk and share opinions, hopes and dreams, to be there for each other when being swallowed by darkness and in the dizzying heights of the bright lights.

I’m not saying this is purely based around her, for this is far from the point i’m trying to make, more  how the timeline of life can recreate and remold the chemistry you share with another person, away from just “knowing someone,” away from online dating, random encounters in bars, fleeting passing of strangers in the street, from the guy helping you try on shoes, to the girl serving you in your favorite restaurant. Its more the smile you shared with the waitress in the bar, to the dinner you shared after the droves of rubbish on the internet with someone you felt like you’d known for years and the deep conversation you had of life, love and everything in between with a total stranger in the bar. These encounters all create a form of chemistry between you and that person. As for what might have been just a second, you shared a deep, meaningful connection and in just that fleeting moment, nothing else mattered.

Maybe that is the whole thing with chemistry- the ability to be in the moment when you are with that person. When I’m with my friend and talking about whatever random subject is occurring at the time, I am there, as present as i possibly can be, without the bullshit irritations and limitations that are forever thrown at us in modern society, forcing labels and categories upon you, like somehow everything has to be labelled and quantified, therefore it will make “sense.”

Why does the chemistry you share with someone have to make sense? I don’t think these connections will ever make sense and can never really be understood, nor should they be. Even more so  in those i am close to,  in that they seem comfortable in a way not many people are around me, willing to talk and understand through the most complex of ideas, be there to show me the path back to the light and there to laugh with me while we are there. This, to me, is because all three of us gave the chemistry we now share a chance, however weird and brilliant it is, to simply “happen,”  with this the resulting connection we share.

Proof then, if we ever needed any that sharing chemistry with someone is true power, bringing about change, an evolution of your thinking in life, love and everything in between.  It could create passion, power, desire, love- feelings that feel so incredible if we can embrace them and treat them simply as they are, if we choose to allow ourselves the privilege. It is chaotic, it is scary, but that’s the point- its supposed to be. Without it, you lose a critical part of yourself, the part that makes you unique, that part that connects with someone on such a level that the relationship you share is so special, your lives are forever to be intertwined in the chaos.

It makes for something you don’t understand, but being there for them through it all isn’t something you would miss for the world.

That is chemistry at its finest, to me.

Yours, with love as always.


Side Step

Good evening ladies and gentleman

I have said a number of times before over what has been more than a year now, we all have someone that lives just beneath the surface of who you show to the world. I choose to believe we all have this version of ourselves, an ideal lifestyle we wish we could truly live everyday- a life without the “necessity” of mediocrity.  Like an iceberg just below the surface of the cold icy waters of modern life, i feel we all want to be so much more, be all we could be, so much more- the adventurer, the traveler, the creator, the lover. Above all else, its the part of you that is “you” in its truest form. It is you in your purest, most non-diluted fashion.

Its difficult in modern society to live to the ideals of that person though, to live like you truly want to and do all you can to live in the purest way that you can. Through all the noise, the obsessive need to tell you how to be “happy” and the materials required to live for this perfect social ideology, the path we are told is the key to happiness can often seem so much brighter than everywhere else. Its this that can make it seem so appealing, yet as you start down that path you end up seeing it really isn’t anything worth doing, just another case of the supposed manufactured happiness that is becoming far more commonplace across the world these days. Its this that has led me to my current state of almost exhausted confusion.

Its a peculiar sensation, that path, because it often seems like that it never leads anywhere. While you feel like its not moving you backwards and further away from your dreams of being that person, it brings you no closer. In the end, you just seem stuck. Running in an endless circle, doing the same thing each day, week and month. Not progressing, not losing, not feeling anything more than you have to in order to get through the next Tuesday, similar to last Tuesday and probably very similar to the following Tuesday.

While I’m able to admit some routine is good, the monotony of it all can sometimes get a bit much. I guess you could liken it to is going eight rounds with Anthony Joshua, thinking your holding your own until you get cracked with a monstrous uppercut out of nowhere. Beyond that, everything just seems fucked.

Despair is interesting because when things get to that point, in my opinion, you have to make a decision. There is no other way of moving through this intensely emotional and very negative period of your life. You can carry on, accept your situation and let the version of yourself you desire to be, the one living below the surface carrying on doing just that. Leave you hoping that something will happen, a chain of events will become the catalyst for a transformation where that supposed “necessity” becomes much less necessary. The alternative though, seems much more appealing and much more effective than simply “hope.”

Hope can feel like a punishment when no action is being taken. Its like wishing to win the lottery, or that person will notice you, without buying a ticket or even saying hello. The harsh truth of life is- its not going to happen. You sit there and do nothing and what should any of us really expect to happen? Nothing- obviously.

Question. Your sat in this persistent, dreary revolution- your stuck. That path is consistent, irritating, comfortable, familiar and just makes you feel so much nothing. How do we become unstuck? Take a side step. The path you find yourself on isn’t working, you clearly feel stuck. This obsessive progression that modern society has been suffering with for so long now can make anything other than forward movement seem like such a dramatic failure, like your wasting your time, purely for the fact you aren’t moving closer to where you want to be, not necessarily moving closer to “life domination.”

Why is that a bad thing? The fact your moving at all is truly spectacular, an amazing mental feat all by itself for all the fear it so easy to be controlled by. We can often feel stuck on this path we have chosen, often lost in the emotion, the misery, loss, the “how much time am i wasting doing this” sensation you find yourself waking up to. So build a platform, and take a side step. The angle of the current attack isn’t working, so the issue, the dream, the “iceberg” self needs to be attacked from another perspective.

As usual with a lot of what i write this is  much easier said than done. The path you find yourself on can often feel so limiting, the choices so restricted that you don’t really know where to turn. I guess you could say its like staring at a brick wall, a wall that there seems no way through, stopping you being happy and reaching those dreams and heights you are forever imagining yourself getting to. The choices forward seem limited, so what if you take a step to the side? There will be delays, but in the long term, you are getting closer to the goal.

It makes no sense to do this, but what if you could? If you change the way you see your current situation, not a roadblock stopping you from where you want to be, but information that a side step is required. A side step, a change in tactic, a slight modification in the way your thinking and feeling about the present moment in this forever random changing smorgasbord of emotional thoughts and feelings we call modern life.

Its natural to assume taking a side step doesn’t make sense, because it doesn’t take you any further forward. But what it could do, in my opinion, is make you so much stronger, so much more independent and powerful as a person. It’s something that’s going to take perseverance, confidence, belief in yourself and faith in what you are capable of. For a while there may be no results, but a slight jump from where you are could create  a world for you so much more than your currently experiencing, if you let it. If you can move past the fear of losing the familiar and the belief we must always progress, believe and perhaps importantly, hope. Be confident and powerful in your positive thoughts to overcome the potentially destructive qualities of hope.

The side step could do so much. Its through the choice to think and feel better feeling thoughts that could truly be our Thinking Evolution.

How do you feel about the side step? What about this strange need to almost constant progression in modern life? Feel free to comment here or on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.

Yours, with love as always.


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Good afternoon ladies and gentleman

So, come tomorrow (May 3rd) Thinking Evolution will be celebrating its first anniversary. Quite frankly through all the trials and tribulations i have a habit of putting myself through- its remarkable we made it this far. Nonetheless- let us go back in time for a while and see how we got here.

Many moons ago, i realized a lot of the world made very little sense to me. Ideologies, behaviors, thoughts, feelings and everything in between that made this forever changing world keep hurtling through time at a forever increasing speed has made it more and more difficult to keep up. I am forever curious about life, love and everything in between. Its this curiosity and this confusion that led me to writing and subsequently, led me to starting Thinking Evolution.

I think a great deal about a vast number of topics and thoughts, writing and considering how we can learn and understand, in order to bring about a change, a connection across the world that creates sharing information and understanding, where we can learn how to think and see we can choose to think better feeling thoughts. For if we can see there is a choice, we can choose to be positive, we can choose to feel good and even see the bad negative aspects of life as something we can use to our advantage in the development of what is essentially, our own uniquely brilliant Thinking Evolution.

When lying at death’s door, waiting for the inevitable end, if what i write and what i have done can create discussion and understanding, the development of ideas and connection where people can choose to feel good, then i will have done something good with my time. Its not been easy though, as I’ve said nothing worth while, nothing “evolutionary” is ever going to be easy. If it was easy, it wouldn’t be worth doing. Even if i have a strange capacity to become distracted, to become lost in my own distance, to feel as if I’m fading into the noise of modern society and the ridiculous idealized manufactured happiness. I always believe though, I must maintain resolve and remain focused on what, as a collective, Thinking Evolution is all about.  For i hope, i truly hope, it will be magnificent.

I am this person, I can’t hide from you. I’ve changed my name, but beyond that the world is a forever confusing amalgamation of ideas and fear inducing thoughts. However, i persist. I dream of creating something beautiful, brilliant and bringing about an evolution amongst us where we can share, connect, learn, choose and understand. This way, you and I can truly start living.

So when i started this, i took the first step i like to think to achieving that dream, to making the world at least a little better. Without this i would carry on existing in a job, knowing people and to me, not really achieving anything. I took the first step, now 364 days later i find myself at this point. I won’t claim to know or really understand what I’m doing, I’m working as hard as I can to learn about what needs to be done, to develop us, to develop this and develop myself. We are all here to learn, and for the past year i have been motivated by what we could as a collective do together.

I keep in mind what i have planned for Thinking Evolution and the constant thirst for knowledge and understanding of how we can get there, through writing, through life, love and everything in between. I feel it takes a lot of trust, a lot of faith and a lot of creative intuition. But thus far, in what is the early stages of what i hope to be something amazing, i feel i can be proud of what has been achieved.

Yes, that seems the best way to describe it. Everything is changing and as we learn, write and understand, we grow. I have grown so much as a person since reading the articles and blogs that Thinking Evolution has allowed me to find, the comments that people have left sharing their thoughts and ideas. Its truly something i’m happy and privileged to be a part of and it makes so proud where things are and where i hope they are going.

Its not over yet though- this is is just the beginning. For the next 365 days and for many years after that, we will grow, share ideas and thoughts of life, love, fear, curiosity, pain loss and envy as Thinking Evolution continues to grow. This is the point of life to me, to be here, in this moment, learning of life, love and everything in between. Thinking Evolution will forever be growing, we will create more, be more, show you more and you know what?

I feel like I can be proud of how far its come- how far I’ve come.  Whether you’ve been here from the beginning or just turning up here now, thank you. I hope you stick around.

For to quote a random version of the Joker- “you ain’t seen nothing yet!”

Yours, with love as always


Uniquely the Same

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman

As you may have seen on social media from time to time, i find certain quotes from people that seem interesting, as well as posting them at the bottom of these writings.These quotes are an additional thought I feel like is connected to what we have been thinking about or something that is another interesting discussion point. They are interesting because they can be inspirational as well as connecting to something I’ve already written. As in many aspects throughout life, these quotes create thoughts, ideas and convince me of ideas. Its this individual based thought, this unique way of thinking that seems of interest.

As we come closer to the first anniversary of Thinking Evolution,  I find myself looking at the idea that you are forging your own path, to blaze through all the strange mediocrity of modern life and be that utterly magnificent version of yourself you always imagined you could be. That dream, that lifestyle, that ultimate phase of life where you feel like, just for once, you are truly achieving “life domination.” All of this, revolves around this idea that through all the stuff that makes us sad, angry, shake with fear, sink so far away from everything with such a sense of anxiety, we are all unique.

However, its this i think is the issue. This desired “uniqueness.” Its like we are concerned by the ideals of modern life and its manufactured happiness, thinking that new shiny car, the bigger house, that “key” promotion or whatever is currently on special for lunch is the key to a happy and successful life. I feel like at times, we all fall foul of this warped ideology. Why? Because its easy. Its a near emotionless, sedated experience that gives us just enough to not be totally miserable. That counter acting against the desire to be unique, to feel something new, to do something never done, to be somewhere not ever been and being something so much more than the insignificant speck in this giant absurd wheel forever spinning through life is a constant battle.

We fear being unique too though, for we think it will make us alone. If nobody can see the world as you see it, is able to think as you think, to love as you love and to even like similar music that you do, then that’s it. “I am, and always will be…alone.” We feel so unique, so singular in the way we think and feel that connections seem nothing more than a distant fantasy. Of all the fears and phobias in the world, modern or hundreds of years old, being alone, to me, is more powerful and effective at systematically destroying someone’s soul and the very essence of of what someone is. What i fear more of modern life is this systematic destruction of this uniqueness is  something we are consciously aware of, something we do in order not to be alone.

This just creates more questions though. What is being alone? Can you truly ever be alone, fearing life, love and everything in between if you have never experienced the highs these ideals can offer? Maybe in this age of TV dramas, binge watching and Netflix play a part in this supposedly relevant and real aspect of life, as we watch connections form and bridges burn in a number of hours, leaving us only with the pain of what happened, seemably as a result of that connection, of that beautiful moment. These moments that are so fear inducing, that the moments that make us unique so to create only pair and loss, a profoundly negative reaction to something uniquely brilliant.

It seems a rather endless circle then, a forever ending quandary that can’t be explained or removed from the forever evolving equation that is life. So- how do we go about living with this equation- how do we become more than a collection of x and y’s, to live life in our own way, while understanding and respecting fear of what we assume is to be alone. To live life not attached to the ideals of society and its manufactured happiness, to think differently and see the world through your unique perspective, not as the television says you should.

The problem is we can be greatly effected by the ideals of a society as we can see the changing of thoughts and feelings as forging connections more than losing ourselves. Its almost an intentional ignorance of the beautifully unique characteristics i choose to believe we all possess. This minefield though, it kills part of you. The free thinking, the opinionated, the respectful, unique, idealistic brilliant version of yourself that lives deep within you sort of falls into the background, insignificant, as you become a number in order not to feel alone. The death of your “uniqueness” changes you, makes you a harder person, living life in a much more fear inducing way. This, interestingly, is something we all live to, but doesn’t make any sense, for one very simple reason.

The vast majority of the population doesn’t care what your doing, what you look like, how you career is going, how much money you have, what car you drive, whether you get that promotion or how much your suit cost. People don’t care because they are busy worrying about what you think of them, rather than what your doing. Furthermore why would people care? We sit there fearful of what people think, of being seen as different, so alone, we crush deep down the unique characteristics that make us brilliant to the point we don’t really do anything. So this idea that people will form an opinion of you- living like that, what are we? Truth is, we really aren’t anything.

That’s the point i think. Uniqueness seen as this singular thing, this close to perfect idealistic way of living that means you’re doing your own thing and everything people are doing and thinking becomes insignificant, because “I’m doing my own thing.” This single view of what it means to live your life your way, to me, is where the limitations of being unique start to come in, because we ignore that we are all uniquely the same.

Throughout life, we are all trying to achieve the same thing- to live in a unique way. Everybody is trying to do this, in their own way. Away from the world and its obsessive ideals, if we can choose to live our way, and maybe inspire even just one person to live as they choose to and not to the ideals of this modern world, the ideas that we could share, the thoughts and feelings that could come to fruition would be incredible. If we collectively can find a way of living in a unique way, there are no limitations on what we could do.

If we remember this, i feel like we can live a little more peacefully and through this have a much happier and successful life, without the fear of being alone, of thinking differently and not seeing the world as society does. For this is who we are. And to live to the ideals of who you are is a truly spectacular form of life.

Yours, with love as always.


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The Game

Good evening ladies and gentleman

So. I found myself a few days ago with my best friend, at a lake quite early in the crisp morning air, amongst the green of the trees and the wind gently blowing through the murky water- there in a simple moment in time I found something interesting. That the game is not anywhere as simple as any of us ever thought, more so than winning, losing, being successful or crashing and burning in the fire and flames of the next miserable end. It is so much more than all of this. This thing, this ridiculously confusing complex reality that we live in, the dreams we yearn for and the past we seem so haunted by bleeding through the gaps and molding together the personality of you, in this present moment.

I have, for many years, lived to this idea, this thing that life is a game and its being willing to at least play that is the key to a happy and successful life in a world that seems like it doesn’t want you to win. This game, this constant battle for dominance, the need to get ahead, to find that unique edge, to be the next big thing, to do this and that, to be with that person, to show them how much you mean to them, to have the means to articulate all of the thoughts and feelings flowing through your very soul, just for a minute. To be able to do any of this, we must first play the game and through hard graft, understanding and perseverance, we win. Then the game has been mastered and you won the trophy.

Play the game- throw the dice, draw the card, hook the duck. Win. In this quite basic scale, this is a perfectly acceptable way of dealing with stuff, with “life.” Scale this up though. Win the contract, win the job, win the woman, win her heart, to the point she is willing to give her all, to you. That by itself is an incredibly powerful thing for someone to do, to give you their heart and all that comes with it.

This world is not a trusting place in a time where you can find out everything from where someone lives, to what they drive to even what their favorite color is, all from a few taps across the internet on your smartphone. We are even offering up the most personal of information to the clutches of the digital world on dating sites for some idea that if we like the same stuff, then maybe we will have that chemistry with them and that rarely seen “spark” would make an appearance. So for her to trust you, as much as for you to trust her with everything you are, to become totally vulnerable to the point where ultimate destruction seems only a breath away is rare. Rare, because we dare not let this destruction get so close.

We all want to be the puppet master of life and be the one at the controls at all times. What is it though? This supposedly necessary control to maintain this society based manufactured happiness. To me, its resisting the urge to control as you give someone else the means to affect your mind, your heart and soul. There is so much bad in the world, so much pain. Its scary to become vulnerable, because in that second of weakness, in that moment where you give that person a chance, when you let them in and give them a shot at the controls, it could make for anything. I can’t help but think this is so much more than i thought, so much more than just a game.

Why? Because games are just that. Games, no more than blackjack, poker or hook a duck. They don’t matter. You have very little long term emotional thoughts and feelings for the more basic, considerably less meaningful parts of life. The key thing i think is that the feeling is temporary. Fleeting, one second of disappointment there, the next…gone- off to the next “thing,” the next “grand idea.”

Scale that up to something that can affect you so much more, cause such a seismic shift in your thoughts and feelings of life, love and everything in between is huge, for it takes us away from the familiar person you recognize when you look in the mirror every morning. I often don’t know how to deal with this thought, it vexes me for it cannot be explained or understood, or won. We treat the huger things of life as a game, then they don’t matter as much. We work so hard to anticipate all the steps we would have to take in order to mold ultimate victory to an obsessive extent.  We become so fixated on this game, on seeing ahead, on understanding, to the point where winning becomes all that matters and everything else, that brilliant, joy filled moment we are working to create becomes, in our crazy scheme, rather insignificant.

Through treating the bigger, scarier, more meaningful in your life as  “just a game,” means it shouldn’t matter if something goes wrong, if “I mess something up” or i missed something so critical that the whole game is lost. You can just work on a slightly different attack and then win. But then what? You won the game, you’ve hoisted the trophy aloft and celebrated your victory. Now what?

That’s the point. I don’t think we ever expect to win the game in the first place. Every time you lose, you have more experience in losing and it builds up. Eventually, the only path you see is the path to your “inevitable” failure. Which means you start wandering why you should even bother playing the game in the first place. Recently, with this bigger more shifting developments in your life, along with the thought and feelings they develop, in order to understand them and respect them for the power and magnificence they can provide- i think we need a slightly different approach.

Playing the game is just that. Playing. To “play” give a rather painless impression so when “playing with fire” and causing you and/or those around you a great deal of pain, anguish and misery its going to effect you so much more. You’re playing the game and  when you miss something, when you lose, no amount of obsessive predicting the steps, or seeing what is coming is going to stop the tinge of failure and the pain of loss.

Maybe this is a good thing though. A ridiculous thought i know, but what if it was? What if that pain, that thought, that vast expanse in your mind filled with nothing but pain could be a good thing. I have always believed playing the game gives our lives meaning and purpose, but i can’t help thinking its not that simple. Allowing yourself these moments, these connections with people who you love so dam much and that make you feel so good, these experiences that revolutionize your thinking, that allow you to see things you’ve never seen, to feel things you never thought you would feel.

Surely its this. Then as you lie on your deathbed, your family surrounding you in those final moments, a lifetime of experiences and memories filling your mind and the relationships forged in fire that were so powerful that they changed you forever. To live for this, for this to be life and your purpose- to own the stage, to give it everything you have, to put in 110%..

Surely this is more than winning the game. This is winning at life.

Yours, with love as always.

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