The Pursuit of Blissful Sleep

Good evening ladies and gentleman

We spend approximately one third of our lifetime asleep. If you live until the age of 75, that means you would have spent 25 years asleep. The vast majority of your brain is out for the count, just the parts keeping you alive remain full of the sparks of life.

As we sleep, we rest and recover from the day, or night that preceded it- or thats at least what we intend i suppose. Yet the pursuit of sleep is often littered with problems and obstacles. When all you need to hit the reset is a few hours sleep, the joy of your bed can sometimes seem like nothing more than a figment of your imagination.

When you can’t sleep it feels as if your entire DNA is being re-structured because you don’t feel like you. In sleeplessness issues can be bought so far forward it can be impossible to ignore.

The rougher periods generally come from something different. Sometimes we can choose not to sleep, occupy our minds with something that we feel is necessary to drive us forward and other times we just have no choice.

It’s a confusing thought to wander what the point of going to sleep is. I’ve had this thought pass through my mind more times than i care to count, like I’m trying to delay the inevitable passage of time to delay tomorrow as much as i can. Eventually you have to concede and go to bed for the sun will soon rise again, to only lie there under the soft white sheets, wandering why you are alive, what is the meaning of life, what did you do with today and what did you learn. I find myself thinking sometimes in quite a profound way and other times i feel so totally blank- tired of thinking so much but still not sleeping.

What follows comes the realisation you failed in your pursuit of blissful sleep. In its place nothing more than a persistent curiosity of where you went so wrong or what you’ve been thinking about to get to this point of poor or sometimes no sleep. Which ironically, makes sleep even more difficult.

When you are open to life and every feeling that comes with that, it gives you an acutely different perception of the world. But take away the majesty of sleep, its as if you’re handing over the reigns of your life to someone you’d barely trust to tie your fucking shoes- something that can often be a struggle. Sleep deprivation, or insomnia in some cases is taking away the one thing you need more than anything else in the world and taking that away is a danger like few others.

What happens to your mind when you don’t sleep? To me, it’s the capacity for emotional context and balance, which is the one thing that gives you the perspective on your life, what you are and who you are, the part of you that sees you that you’re special, different, unique, capable and even loved.

Born of no sleep is the issues of overthinking- which can be a fairly constant battle to manage. I’m generally always thinking about something, considering some form of theory on old school philosophy, modern takes on old ideas and questioning the very social hierarchy that emotions seem to place upon people. I think about how easy it could be to accept the world “just as it is” and how i must fight against it for what i believe in. In periods of no sleep, that voice that screams to give up- to not be okay with “not being okay,” to “submit” is so much louder. So much harder to ignore.

It’s a difficult to sensation to explain when you find yourself beyond exhausted. I think its a misconception to assume to be tired simply as a result of not sleeping, i can sleep for hours and still feel so much worse than i do having “rested.” Lack of bliss is a powerful force for you have slept, but not rested. Nightmares plague your soul, your unconscious mind filling your dreaming body with every possible fear it could bring on, the tossing, turning, fears of what may or may not happen, the fear of loneliness while wanting so badly to just be left alone.

When you don’t rest, its as if your soul remains asleep. I wander how we go about dealing with this inability to find that blissful sleep we all strive for. The way i see it, its your mind telling you something in your life isn’t sitting right with you. Whatever it is your entire system are out of balance and until you figure out what it is, the pursuit will be nothing more than that, a chase for sleep you are always going to struggle with.

Jim Carrey said that depression is your minds way of telling you that is tired of playing a character for the benefit of society and i feel like this thought could be used to deal with the issue of sleep. The way i look at it there is some form of internal struggle or conflict making the pursuit of blissful sleep a near herculean distance to run. Your mind is telling you that something is wrong, the question is how open you can be with yourself to look deep into your reflection and try and understand what’s going on.

Now i say this like it’s easy. I know its not- sometimes it feels a near impossible task in which genuine sleep feels nothing more than a distant blissful memory. I can spend hours lying in the dark staring into space, feel absolutely nothing when lost deep in a music playlist seemably never ending. When you’re there, in your way, you fear you may never be able to pull yourself out.

Worse still- you aren’t sure that you want to.

But what if we tried? I’m not saying it’s going to help immediately, in a week a month or even a year. I hope as you read this as part of the bleary eyed life we all seem to live these days you connect with these words and give yourself that chance. Talk to your people, people who see you truly, not as the character you play. Even your dog, it doesn’t matter.

Write it down, write a song, write a poem. Take a photo, create a work of art. Cry. Cry floods and floods of tears until you see it. I know it’s scary, it feels impossible. Find your way to let it all out. Doesn’t matter what it is. Please try. Please.

Then maybe, someway, somehow..

The Pursuit of Blissful Sleep will be successful for us all.

Yours, with love as always.
DR x

Photo Credit- Sofia Garza

Reflections of Reality

Good evening ladies and gentleman

I have found recently that the way i write, or get ideas for how to write has been undergoing a sort of evolution. I think of the most off the cuff ideas generally at the lower points of my mentality, or when boredom has been running through my rife through my mind, as if i was hungover after a heavy night out. Its almost like when your body craves fluid- my mind begs me for some form of idea, something to make your heart beat and soul truly sing.

It’s during one of these “hangovers” that i got to thinking about what it means to live in “reality.” The word in itself gives connotations to ideas of “how you feel the world should be” and there being “nothing i can do- its just how it is.”

Its a word we use at the end of a debate, when your out of ideas and your conversational armoury has run dry- this is the time when “reality” takes a hold. It’s very pessimistic in the emotional thoughts and feelings that are connected to even saying that word, like admitting defeat. I wander how much we know about reality, about how the world tries so hard to be real, yet so often seems such a hoax and how this compares to our own personal reality.

I’ve written enough already about the obsessive desire it feels like society tries to convince us “their” way is the only way. How it seems like our only purpose in life is to fit into the ideologies and beliefs of a wider audience, to gain followings and gain this so called “ideological reality.” This is something that connects to our personal reality i think, because i feel there have been times in deep misery or longing when we tend to stray from the morals of uniqueness, personal knowledge and ideals and wander, to just for a second…in whimsical curiosity- look to the other side.

A look across to the other side and the grass always seems a little greener over there- so you wander. You think “i bet that grass tastes amazing!” even though it’s just another way to lose another aspect of your reality, forging a path to eventually become nothing more than a reflection of your former self.

Through all this revolves the argument that we are born of the circumstances presented to us throughout numerous stages of our lives. Its a powerful argument and its something i’ve considered to be true for a number of years, but theres more to it, that you as a human being are so beautifully complex its near impossible to define who you are or who you want to be through your past, your present or even your idealised future.

I find we as people, in 2019, will take the easy way out of an emotional problem so as to not deal with it. Now, take this as you will- I’m not saying the potentially massively terrible actions or events that have happened to people aren’t playing a part in their emotional existence and how ones personality is evolving from that point, but what worries me is what is being lost as a result of this event.

Its like i said- we are being defined by our circumstances because we are being told that’s what is supposed to happen and what you’re supposed to do in reaction to it. We are all guilty of it i think because it’s been drilled into us in such a way to not even notice what we are doing. Its like we are so unsure what to do- so you end up listening to people who will never see the world like you do- to then end up living through their ideal of your situation. Ignoring the overall issue that nobody else has ever felt what you’ve felt or been through what you’ve been through in the way you’ve done it.

The way you react to an event is always unique to you.

We fear repetitions of the circumstances that caused so much anguish the first time round, so we wrap ourselves up so much to avoid it happening so it never will, but at the same time ignoring a part of you that makes you feel special, that makes you feel alive. Say a racing driver has a terrible crash, should they quit and never race again- or should he keep going because of the way it makes them feel?

Obviously a fairly acute example but its almost like we are all constructing mental museums- a nod to the person we once were, while lost in the fear of what we could be. The end result is inevitable, because it’s nothing. No way to go back to the pain of before, but no way forward to the potential of what the future could hold for you, depending on what you choose to do.

We walk around our Museum of Reflections, seeing how you felt about yourself, the things you loved to do, people you once cared about, people you loved- through nothing more than glass screens and reflections. It’s easy to become so lost behind things that have happened, feelings you have experienced and people you have lost. It’s an emotional scapegoat we have all been using for years and i feel like we’re all losing out on ourselves as we try and stare at the world through a mere reflection of who we used to be.

Just because something happens you shouldn’t lose something, but it should add something to you- this is the difference between change and evolution.

The alternative is we risk putting up more and more glass cases, more and more parts of us lost to the land of maybe in reflections of who we used to be- to the point where one day you wake up yo someone you don’t even recognise in the mirror. Our personalities as people have become so fragile its as if one little tap could shatter us all into a million pieces.

I say let it. Let yourself be broken, let yourself feel the pain you don’t want to feel, feel everything that scares you. Embrace the fear and accept the pain for what it is if it doesn’t go how you hoped. There is no failure only learning and no change just evolution. See the reflections of yourself and what you once were, windows into memories which have caused you to build walls higher and higher, not to get away from everyone else, but to get away from yourself, in some hope this way you could believe society may actually accept you.

And remember – they will never accept you. Not unless you bend or twist to their ways, becoming a carbon copy of the rest of the world, while nothing more than a reflection in a window of what you once were. Be yourself and don’t worry about everyone else, they are generally too busy worrying about what you’re thinking to worry about what you’re doing.

If we don’t we risk becoming nothing more than a Reflection of our Reality.

Yours, with love as always.
DR x

Photo Credit- Yaz Artuner

Humble.

So, tonight as i sit here to write to you, i wander. If you have never been here before, welcome. If you have, I’m sure you’ll know this isn’t the first time i’ve got myself so lost, twisted up in thoughts and feelings of pain, of how loneliness can affect how we see the world, and of how more than anything else, how the world now seems so far detached from any form of humility.

Humility and honesty are two things i’ve always believed to go hand in hand, not one resulting from the other but not existing without it. Honesty sounds like a complicated thing to understand, even though it’s born from the most unique sort of simple human nature. While this may be true- the society we live in is almost making the idea of being an honest, humble person “unfashionable.”

Look around. You have to look pretty fucking hard to find anything honest these days. The world is designed to shine light on people who follow a set of ideals and standards, set down and passed through numerous different other people in an endless quest to do only one thing- create a feeling that passes for “happy.” We post on social medias from the moment you wake up to the last moment before you sleep, endlessly watching these “people” who have so much more wealth, followers- just a lifestyle in general so many people aspire for. The people who speak so loud and say absolutely nothing- only what they need to in order for you to buy their latest product- that next “shiny” thing.

I wander about money affects us as people, because it almost seems like an infection. We don’t know how to be honest, because money starts to dictate how we think and feel, but the truth is- what is money? What makes it so powerful as we obtain more and more money, any capacity to be honest or humble goes out the window- almost like “i don’t need that now- i’ve got this.” Look at someone who has won the lottery for example. Before they won they were doing their best, working hard and humble in the fact they had hobbies and passions and worked to be able to enjoy them. As they worked they tried to find a way for passions to become a full time joy and were proud of their progress, enjoying creating something.

Give someone money though and it changes everything. They want for nothing, because they can buy everything. Hence why so many millionaires are so lonely and lottery winners end up broke. Money is just paper, numbers on a screen, yet it somehow has the means to fundamentally change us as human beings. Often i think that person wouldn’t even recognise in the mirror, in the same way i don’t recognise myself sometimes.

Its bigger than just money though. I’m sure you have fears, as I do. That fear is a powerful hand controlling how you live your life, like a big shadow doing all it can to block out the powerful light looking for just the smallest crack in the armour of darkness you think is protecting you. We have all been born into a world of overthinking, that you need to achieve this standard or that, have this hair, this body, this job or this car because without it “I’ll be nothing.”

It’s as if we are living an almost “half life.” I’ve spent a long time thinking too much, miserable at the prospect of a lifetime spent in a world that i don’t understand and often don’t even want to, wandering through life as if it was simply an existence. We live for a purpose, to be obedient, to play your part in the same endless machine of KPI’s, early morning coffee runs and afternoon board meetings. Why does it seem like part of us has to die in order for us to simply exist?

The fear of falling drives us to never climb to those heights, even though the view from up there could stir your senses and tantalise your soul in a way nothing else could. We can live up there for so long and maybe, just maybe feel at least a little free. The problem is we have to get there. How do we do that? Well. I have no idea.

But what i do know is this. We all exist, whether we like it or not. We all wake up in the mornings, you have the same routine as you arise from that same slumber feeling the same way then you go and do the same day after day, minute after minute feeling less and less as you do. Anyone can exist. To live? To live truly and humbly, living honestly and towards your own ideals and morals, seeing the world as the relic, the rusting cogs and switches that we throw ourselves under just to keep the whole thing moving as just that- a relic.

Life has the means to be humble. If you fall from life, and fall from love- be humble. Be honest with yourself then as far as it may seem away, one day, maybe one day- life will find you again.

It’s simply a question of where we choose to look. And who we choose to be.

Yours, with love as always.
DR x

Photo by Marina Khrapova

F!#k Positivity

Now. I do know that the title of this one seems a little harsh. I ask for nothing more than a chance to explain my thinking on how unhealthy positive thinking actually is, because in terms of the mental damage it causes as this endless campaign of “joy” is pumped into our eyes, hearts and souls in modern society, positivity is a poison like no other. It serves to cause you no less pain or anguish than any negativity that may lay at your door. So I ask you- read the title again, consider how you reacted at the moment you read it. When you get done with this piece, read it again and see how you feel.

Everywhere we look these days, in books, throughout the media, on YouTube, the “stars” of Instagram, Facebook and the idea of fame and fortune, the ideology of positive thinking is always there. Always. We are told “the key to happiness is found in positive thinking.” It’s everywhere, this idea that whatever you think or feel, whoever you choose to be should all be span into some form of positive light, then all of a sudden actions, thoughts or ideas you once feared seemed much more capable.

This slavery to positivity is everywhere, even in some aspects of mental health. It’s almost a form of anxiety, as if almost manic to the point where the world may be burning around you, but your still there “looking on the bright side.” Think of it like this. If the building you were sat in right now was on fire, the crackles and embers of the burning furniture growing ever closer to you, what would you be thinking? Would you be thinking “this is nice i was starting to get cold.”

No. Just…no. You would be taking rather significant steps to get out of the burning building.

Now before you scoff, tell me to fuck off and go for that X in the top corner, bare with me, i know that was a ridiculous example, that was kind of the idea to make the point I’m trying to make about positivity and the secret the world has been keeping from us. We are told that positivity and negativity are polar opposites, truly yin and yang, if you will. So, to take this as an idea, you can’t have one without the other. Without positivity, negativity is meaningless and vice versa. So the “only positivity” way of thinking is just as damaging, if not more so than the obsessive pessimism and general cynicism a lot of people may feel everyday. Positivity is almost like an ignorance of the world, not to cliche a Rocky quote that “the world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows.”

The world is not a nice place, and to act as if it is?- that’s certainly no healthier that the overthinking and persistent negative thoughts that blight so many people in modern society. It’s almost as if we are easier to manage this way, when very much either in one camp or the other. Each technique has a pathway and this is the road we choose to travel on in that moment.

What if the world was cheating us though? What if both of these roads…these long tiresome roads actually went to the same place? I feel as if positive and negative mentality are actually very similar, therefore one is no better than the other, whether you choose to see only the positive aspects- or negative aspects of your life and society as it grows around us.

Then from this, when we are being “positive” in the sense of the word that society has given us this definition- for something to then go wrong in our grand positive scheme is tantamount to a disaster. In contrast when we are of a negative mindset and something goes as we weren’t expecting, there is a weird sense of surprise of “well i cant believe it went the way i hoped,” and so on.

Which life should we be living? If i were to lay to pathways ahead of where you stand- which one would you take? Easy.

Neither. Rip the road up. There is no road, there is no journey to a predetermined destination by positivity or negativity. There is just understanding, and feeling who you are and who you want to be, here in this moment.

To me, this obsessive positivity isn’t going to create a happy environment, or any positive environment quickly- only a world disillusioned from how the world really is. The same with negativity- it has a way to paint the world in a fairly dreary shade of grey. However sometimes seeing the world in that dreary shade of grey gives you a much greater appreciation of how beautiful the world can be when you see it in colour. You have to actively look for the beauty in the world in order to be able to see it, so positivity has its place in your world, but negativity should be given a residence in one of the corners of your mind too.

It’s a battle, it’s a war. But the end result is you.

So fuck positivity. It’s just not worth it.

Yours, with love as always

DR x

Image by John Hain

The Art of the Apology

I have always argued that in its own right, the way we feel, the way we hate, your passion for things and people we love, the euphoric moment of when you put a mouthful of food you love into your mouth and the moment that person you love more than life itself turns the corner- these moments that you cannot really explain are your artistry. The art of who you are and who you choose to be. Its you taking up the brush every morning as you walk to the mirror, painting, colouring, shading your way through the day. Just like the rest of us, we are all hoping we are going to wind up with our very own masterpiece.

All artistry is born through language of some sort. It grows within us as we evolve and develop through life, first as we toddle off to school as four year olds trying to make friends, to even as OAPs battling their own bodies to keep drawing on the passion that gives them life. All of this, the artistry, the development and evolution is all born through the power of language.

I touched briefly on language last time when trying to deconstruct beauty, how we as a society have developed a strange fixation on using powerful words in situations where language of that power is only designed to promote a certain emotional response in you, the person listening. Let me explain.

What does it mean to apologise? To come out with the phrase “I’m sorry.” This is arguably one of the most powerful phrases in existence, for it, at face value, is you conceding that you made a mistake, that you screwed up and are looking for forgiveness- to reconcile with the person you are apologising to. You made a mess of something and now someone is upset and you need to do something about it. Hence we wheel out the same old phrase, thinking it can solve it all and you can go back to the way things were.

Apologies without action are excuses. Thats the thing with language, especially with the crafted apology. I don’t see the point in them. The art of an apology is to show you screwed up, but what you were doing at the point of this wrong behaviour is something you were fully aware of. Everybody knows what they are doing in any moment in time, the apology is just designed to try and get back to that time when we were all blissfully ignorant half the time. The action that caused you to apologise is something you chose to do- and you got caught. Stop using powerful language and the occasional tear to try and make things go back to the way they were before, its impossible.

The power of the artful apology packs so much of a punch we often think it’s the key to our salvation of a friendship or relationship, but once you feel the need to apologise, the connection is changed forever. That person, often without even realising doesn’t feel like they can trust you anymore, often guilty for even trusting you in the first place.

Now i’m not discounting all apologies as trash. Admittedly i feel like the vast majority of them are, but like beauty, apologies are a multi coloured faucet of powerful emotions, not towards the person you apologise to- but to you. It is here we find ourselves staring down the barrel of guilt. As we stare down the barrel of guilt, for an apology to be worth anything at all i feel like that barrel needs to explode in your face once or twice.

It’s the pain you feel that makes your apology worth anything. Not pain for being caught, not the pain of regret, because whatever we do or whenever we make a decision to act, we are fully aware of what we are doing. The pain is to be found in the horrific realisation of what you’ve done. The pain is what gives an apology its art, the pain of empathy as you see the tears well up in the eyes of that person you care about, as the walls you and them were working so hard to tear down go straight back up, higher now than ever before.

Take the hits. You have to. Understand what you have done and wander how you would feel about it if someone did it to you. Accept that you were aware what you were doing, regardless if you made a mistake and do something about it. You can own all the guilt in the world, wrecked by the pain of your ghastly mistake, but be dam sure this pain doesn’t earn you forgiveness. The art of the apology isn’t for the benefit of the other person, more so for yourself i think. It’s always been my belief we are becoming more self serving as a society and from this it can be more difficult to admit when you’re wrong.

It’s from this the apology is born. The apology is not to make things right, but to accept that you did wrong. That is when the apology takes an artful form. Stare down the barrel of guilt. Become a student of the mistake you have made, understand it, take on every emotion you feel from it, don’t hide from anything, then you have a firm base to build from. Thats the only way to grow- to evolve.

As for forgiveness, apologise truly and maybe you will be forgiven. As Shane Koczyan said: “apologise and be grateful you received peace at such a bargain.”

For nothing is certain, your apology might be yours- however the forgiveness you have no right to at all. This is the art of the apology, paint it as you will, born of pain on a hopeful path to a new peace.

Yours, with love as always,
DR x

image by Maycon Marco

A Painful Beauty

We have a habit, especially in English, to use words that are very powerful and evocative in very simple and minimalist ways, which often means the word can lose its meaning. I have often thought about this idea that we are actually quite dramatic in our use of language these days, in a thankless quest to appear more intelligent, to broaden your vocabulary not for the benefit of yourself, but of everyone else. 

There seems to be this overwhelming need to be clever in modern society, be it amongst peers, in a social circle or throughout the public consciousness. We need to be…more. In particular when it comes to the enigma that is the word “beautiful”

In particular, the idea of “subjective beauty.” Based on my perceptions beauty in society is something quite simple, in how we can walk down the road and perhaps see a woman walk past that gives you some level of desire and then come out with “Dam she’s beautiful” or words to that effect. Nothing more than a passing thought a lot of the time, that moment where you appreciated the physical attributes of a woman and carried on minding your business. 

Its here where inevitably arguments can brew- “I don’t see women as objects i see them as people too.” Don’t mistake what I’m writing here as an attack on you personally, i don’t know you. It’s from this assumption of an attack that makes me sure of this poisonous mentality that it’s wrong in any way to appreciate the physical attributes of a woman, the features you find sexually attractive. Its almost taboo to talk about it and is something we have all done-  thought a woman was sexy so gone up to her in and tried to make conversation.  Not just in that circumstance but this obsession in society these days that attractiveness and connections don’t just come from physical attributes is true, but it’s almost like we should be ignoring them altogether. 

The point is, at no point throughout that last paragraph or so did i use the word beautiful. Beautiful i think is too dramatic of a word to simply understand and desire the physical attributes of a person because it means so much more than any of us understand, especially off of a first or single encounter. Beautiful is a word that cannot be defined or understood, a word like intimate or love. These words as i write them actually mean very little. The problem is encountered where they are used in a “minimal” way. When we use a powerful word to make a minimal point, it can create a powerful reaction like no other.

This reactions brings with it the belief of importance, for we all want to be important to someone. The issue is when this feeling of empowerment and importance comes from a place where it was never intended. And so on. As far as i have witnessed society has given men, women and young adults this idea that if your going to be beautiful you need to be able to do A), B), C) and so on. You carry on this way until you get to the point where you’re not really living your life, enjoying the random moments of total wander and brilliance- because you’re too busy ticking items off a list. Its as if we are all distracted by this fairy tale idea, as men about being a charming prince meeting the perfect princess and as women needing to be the “beautiful” perfect princess. When in the end all you’re doing is checking items of a list you’ve been told are the key to you happiness. A list that a lot of the time never has a bottom. 

So this is where the issue of language comes in. We mistake words like “sexy” or “gorgeous” for words like “wonderful” or most predominantly- “beautiful.” Anybody can be sexy, we can meet a standard set by a certain demographic of people and then you are arguably sexy. Beauty is different, it needs pain. Pain is a power that most of us are familiar with, even if we aren’t aware of the power it has given us. Being beautiful isn’t about a certain lifestyle, having a nice car, or having the physical attributes to meet the standards of your social circle. Beauty is so much more complicated than that. You see someone who is “perfect” and you see someone who hasn’t lived and don’t get me wrong i’m sure they have their rhyme or reason for it- but to me that doesn’t muster feelings of wander and beauty. To be beautiful is a horrible process, painful, brutal and often so very tragic. 

Written in the myths of beauty are words never said, or too much said, tears cried endlessly or not at all. Beauty is wishing we had taken that chance when we didn’t, that fleeting moment where we let fear control us. Beauty is that moment where you decide “fuck it” and do something while your rational mind is screaming “NO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!”  

Beauty is a life lived and a love lost. Beauty is confidence in the face of adversity and in the fear of being lonely. Beauty is looking at that person in the mirror in the morning and being dam sure you are the one to dictate how your day goes, not anyone or anything else.

It’s taking back control, from the past, from anyone and everyone. It’s you being OK with being you, whatever that means.

Thats what makes people beautiful. 

Anybody can be sexy. Thats not actually that difficult. 

Beauty has a pain to it- and that’s what gives beauty its power. 

There’s nothing more important. 

Yours, with love as always

DR x

@jakeboulterx

Kings & Queens

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman

It’s interesting, this new perspective i find myself with. I am learning more than i could have ever expected or hoped through any medium of my life, in being prepared to accept and do everything i can to understand, respect and enjoy the world around me. To live without limits, as best you can in a moment, happy just to be there. The darkness that led me here often felt all encompassing. Yet- here i am.

Its because of this progress i feel I have made within myself, as a man, or even as a human being, i find my wandering about the idea of something or someone being significant in my life and in contrast to ideas or people that are arguably insignificant.

It’s without question a powerful insult and rather unnecessary for me to call any person in my life, past, present or future insignificant. I wish to concentrate on ideas, possessions, or relationships where the significance argument is interesting.

I have been wandering about this modern day idea we have of “Kings and Queens.” We have what seems like a strange fixation to be perfect, to be the ultimate version of ourselves all the time, regardless of whether its in the good times or the bad times, to be the “King” of our world, or perhaps the relationship you find yourself in. It’s not something we have learnt, something more i think we have witnessed in society.

When we are bought up witnessing this dominant warfare that is commonly disguised as a relationship, an argument or even a conversation. It has a powerfully awful capacity to alter how we see the world and in particular see relationships. Look at the damaging effect the ever increasing access and usage of internet porn is having on the lives on a lot of people, dressing sex up as some powerfully dominant based behaviour, creating environments from men and women “we should all aspire to be.” It creates a false standard in sex for women in that men are expectant of the women they are attracted to to walk, talk and perform as they do in porn, along with the intense pressure put on men to perform to this required “ideal.”

This problem i think falls out throughout all of relationships, how if the man doesn’t drive the right car for his “queen” or she doesn’t have the right interest in her job or doesn’t have enough time for her “king” and so on. We seem to have all been born with a difficulty to communicate, out of the fear of what the other person is thinking. Yet, rather ironically, most of the time, the person on the other side of your relationship is so worried about what you’re thinking they aren’t really doing anything. So this fixation on being your “King” or “Queen” ends up clouding the actual connection and chemistry in the relationship. It’s almost as if the ideas or feelings that gave it life in the first place are rather left by the wayside.

Left by the wayside as we all are lulled into the belief we should be sailing away on a golden yacht.

Now, don’t get me wrong, i know every connection and idea everyone makes aren’t all fixated on the aspects of life so seemably insignificant the relationship itself loses all meaning. Lost to the aspects of life that make you seem like the King & Queen of your life to everyone. We are all so fucking obsessed by what other people are thinking, its almost like we aren’t able to have a bad day without it meaning something.

I don’t like this what feels like a relatively new fixation on “Designer Relationships” for then the beauty of the initial connection is lost. I know that love at first sight means very little in how it’s been over used and dumbed down over the years, but if anyone was to meet someone they click with, it could easily be lost as quickly as it was found.

Surely it has the potential to mean so much more, yet we spend so long thinking “thats not what I’m supposed to do,” that he or she doesn’t want that- they want a “Queen” and me to see them as the “King.”

How would we know though? We spend so long listening to the masses of people who believe we know how we should be living our lives, how we should think or feel and even how we should love. The way you are in a relationship, it doesn’t matter who you are or who you are attracted to at any given point, is unique to you- if you choose to listen to yourself.

Thats the main struggle i think. The world is saturated and drowning in this idea that you should be working for this relationship- that you should be waiting for your “Queen” or “King-” and that these kingdoms are always going to appear from nowhere. It’s all so rushed. Look throughout history and you will see no kingdom was built overnight, and not by the ideas of general interest or for the betterment of your financial lifestyle.

So forget finding your King, or your Queen. To me, its just going to lead to disappointment when you realise that the world isn’t anything like we are led to believe. This just makes you cement the beliefs of the world as fact and leads you down a path that you “hope” will bring you happiness, but faith never follows you down the same road.

You just have to keep…pushing. Keep pushing not to find the King or to find your Queen, but to find yourself. When you know who you are, truly know what you want to be and attract into your life, you will start to meet the same sort of people and build your Kingdom that way. There is no time constraints on this, you will just know.

You met as two paupers, but together became rulers of your Kingdom, ruling over your kingdom at the Palace of Darkness.

Beautiful- yet terrifying. Do we have what it takes to break through it all?

I hope so. For all of our sakes.

Yours, with love as always.

DR x

Beneath the Surface

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman,

Have you ever thought about something for so long that when it finally comes to a sort of conclusion the result is positively disappointing? Its as if all the happiness, power and joy that came from the start of the thought, as the idea flows from your heart through your mind to the tips of your fingers has been just drained from you, a pipe stuck in, sucking the joy from something so beautiful.

Now i will be the first to admit that disappointment in life is an inevitability, but where i take interest is in how we react to it emotionally- for this is when the interesting second act of the play takes centre stage. Disappointment is never a nice feeling, but its almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders, like the initial problem has been dramatically lessened.

So, with the alternative sat wallowing in your self pity and accepting the boredom of the result, the disappointment that something more interesting hadn’t surfaced, what if we tried something different, something…more.

Its natural behaviour when a resolution to a problem presents itself to believe that this is the end of the puzzle, as all the pieces have fit together and you find yourself with what resembles a full picture of the situation or person you find in front of you. However boring and arguably “normal” the answer is, it’s there for all the world to see.

I find a new doubt in this idea recently though. What if there was another way? What if we tried to find an alternative way of looking at them. What if, there was a problem within the problem, something you missed that could make you doubt your initial solution?

I have a terrible loathing for normal, for acceptable, for living life as it is because “thats just the way it is.” The world has a pattern and we are all supposed to stand in the wheel, run, run and run until you expire and are replaced. We have an expiration date, and in order to get there we are given creature comforts. Another person to run in the wheel with, thinking and feeling like you do that when you get that next shiny object, or reach that huge goal at the end of the rainbow, the pot of gold will bring you both the unrivalled joy you yearn for so badly.

I have often, probably rather bloody-mindedly, come to a conclusion that a person or a friend have been far more “normal” that i had initially anticipated. My often skewed sometimes cynical world view can often create something of a man i don’t recognise from the darkness. The palace has places within it i daren’t tread very often, for fear i will not find the way back out again one day, disappointed that people do not stir my soul like i hoped they would.

For many years i have done this, until recently i spent more time looking at a problem that had initially given me a “normal” solution. The more time i’ve spent on it, from the ashes of boredom and normality i find empathy becomes a much stronger force. If there was to be an act of mental warfare, empathy is the warrior you would put up against the plague that has become normality, along with its co -conspirators boredom and ignorance.

Take these away as empathy starts to win the day, i started to think about my friend- the person i had concluded as “disappointingly normal.” I dove deep into how i imagined she felt everyday, what causes her to act the way she acts and do what she does everyday. The world sees a very specific version of her, the one thats not bothered, but the one also who wishes to be cared for and loved just as much as she would do for who the person she believes the right person.

To go looking for happiness is the key to its unravelling i have always believed. Happiness comes with the thoughts and feelings that flow through us in being as unique to ourselves as we possibly can. However, i must concede that someone being happy with their situations, their connections or relationships is perceived as an uncanny surprise to a lot of people, especially to someone looking from the outside in. Maybe this is something she may feel like she is missing out on, and wants to be happy? In the end- who wouldn’t?

Happiness and normality are far from the same thing, but maybe you need to go through that process of understanding the difference to find who you are and more so who you really want to be? I know i did. The darkness took me over for many months and finding my way through it was one of the proudest achievements of my life, so she no doubt deserves me credit than i initially gave her.

There’s fight in you yet. Im proud to be her friend. I’m proud of how far she’s come and all she’s going to achieve. Trying so hard everyday to change her life, one step at a time. The world doesn’t give enough credit for that sometimes. Just doing something. She’s always fighting.

No matter how normal the world seems, you can always learn more if you dig a little deeper. Look just below the surface, who know what you might see.

Kinda brilliant when you think about it.

Yours, with love as always.

DR x

Express Yourself

Good evening ladies and gentleman

The last few weeks i have been debating a number of different things with a few people, finding connections and learning new things in ways i may have been unable to before. Particularly in the issues with expression and how sometimes it can be a struggle. This can be in the way we speak, or through other ways i’m not even sure is considered emotional expression anymore.

I have always felt like i was on a different path, for it is mine. Without my path, i have no purpose and there is no point. Yet, as i work to keep the path moving, as i continue to sow the ground with hope, with pain, curiosity, joy, happiness and confusion I’m always wandering about what I’m doing, and the paths that are connecting and intertwining into mine.

The more this happens, the more i wander about the world and the path i find myself on, especially how it seems more and more to me that the world would rather we are all on the same path, a uniformal life. Rules and control. “You shouldn’t be doing this, Why haven’t you done that yet” and my personal favourite “if you’ve not done it yet you’re never going to.”

These days we spend so long looking for something to do. There is no pain or pleasure in this life, no happiness, no joy or love. There is nothing, a soul flatlining with no reason to spring back into life. Again and again, we do what we are supposed to do, think as we believe we are supposed to, wear clothes we don’t want to, the same as everyone else, based on colour codes we are told looks good. We listen to music as part of a group and nothing else is worthy of “these ears” even though to someone else the song you loathe brought them through such darkness- its the food their soul feeds on.

Work is a further obsession i have with seeing the patterns of uniform. I’m willing to bet you have some form of work clothes. They may have provided it, or have a general thing that every time you go there, you find yourself staring yourself in the mirror, and the person staring you back is always wearing the same sort of thing. The “corporate” shirt that is the key to teamwork supposedly.

I am all for teamwork don’t get me wrong, bit what is this obsession about creating a team of identical people? A group of talented individuals, each with a uniqueness within them that should be celebrated, not discouraged. Through this celebration of uniquely wonderful beauty, surely it would create a better team morale and maybe even a better team as a group of creative individuals, more so than a number of basically identical people. It’s almost as if people are scared to express themselves anymore, through fear of being eliminated from the group, excommunicated from society because you “don’t fit the bill.”

Now, it would be obtuse of me to say this spans to all aspects of society, you could be reading this now feeling like a uniform gives you a certain power, be it something as simple as a piece of clothing, or as complicated as wandering through the mental atmosphere, clinging to connections of what is known, what is familiar, for fear of losing it all forever. More so i think expression, and our freedom to use it, has become so much more than we often think it is. One doesn’t express how you feel just through the medium of speech anymore.

The world is such a loud and shouty place these days, finding the words to express how you feel, moreover being able to hear them in a world that would rather you didn’t express yourself at all, can sometimes feel an impossibility, a far fetched dream at best.

That’s the thing we all forget i think though.

Regardless of what the society says, regardless of what people say and the clothes you sometimes have no choice to put on, you are still you. The words don’t come sometimes, not in the way you’d hope. Finding the words to explain a smile, or trying to explain why you can’t stop the tears streaming down your flustered cheeks, confused, so lost in the emotion words fail you- its easy to despair at this notion.

This isn’t an inability to express yourself, its just you expressing yourself in your own way. You may not understand your sadness or why you are crying, you may not be able to convey whey you feel so sad, but its still most fundamentally you, being you and expressing yourself in your own way. How do i know? You see your friend, someone you care about, someone you love crying, so lost in some form of sadness. They are beside themselves with sadness and for a moment you feel powerless, because they can’t tell you why they cry, lost in a moment that seems so profoundly awful.

As much as i often think the world wants us to be identical, to create a compulsive uniformity across all aspects of life, this is proof to me that we as people can be quite brilliant sometimes. What do you do in that situation? What would anyone do in that situation? You are not powerless, unable to express your reaction in that situation- because you never needed to. You walk to your friend, the person you love, that you hate to see sad and hug them. You pull them in tight and squeeze, as the tears dry on your shoulder. In that moment, words are wasted. Unnecessary.

Ive always thought words were the key to expressing how you feel, i’ve been writing them for years. Its so much more, even to go as far as using the cliche of how “pictures can say a thousand words.” Look at the creative artistry in life, in paintings, in pictures, music, films, building, fixing, playing an instrument. These are just some i know of thousands upon thousands of things we use to express ourselves, when words fail us.

When you feel sad, you will listen to a certain type of music, when your feel good, you may smile from ear to ear and laugh until your sides hurt. This is the power of expression. I’ve always struggled to understand how i felt and this is something i know i am not alone in. Yet, without knowing, we all have a beautifully brilliant range of expressions in which we can show not just ourselves how we feel, but the people we care about too.

The more i think about it, the power of love, hate, pain, sadness, misery and wander in the beauty of life is born from so much more. It feels like the world is pressing down on your soul sometimes, wanting you to find comfort in expressing the minimal aspects of who you are, for fear of judgement, of being disliked.

Yet, even without realising it, we persist. This is us, and we will not be silenced, for we are unique, we express ourselves in beautifully unique ways and there is nothing in the world that will stop us.

For we are us, and we are free, in our own way.

Yours, with love as always.

DR x

A Hopeful Traveller

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,

I find myself, once again, travelling through life in confusing curiosity. If you remember me at all, you’ll know this isn’t exactly a new spectacle. The world often feels like strangely unfamiliar place, people moving through life doing what they do, thinking as they think, acting as they act and living as they live. I have often feel like such a spectator to this, feeling and seeing everything from a rather different perspective- as if i was sat at the side of the road watching the world go by. As if i have been disconnected from what i thought my world should be.

I’ve been gone a while. Far longer than i was gone before. I’ve been posing the question to myself of where i’ve been. Where have i been all this time? I’ve not felt myself for the best part of 18 months, the man you’ve got to know as DR over the 2 years or so preceding it. Its not about losing a throne, or regaining one- it was about losing myself.

I know that sounds like a horrible cliche, and i’m not one for cliches so bare with me. It all begins with DR.

I am DR, or at least i try to be. Everyday from the moment i wake up, to the moment i eventually fall to sleep i try to be who i choose to be, feel how i choose to feel and act, or at least i thought i did.

The thing is, i needed this to happen to me for me to understand that i had been missing something all this time. The key to why I couldn’t write, that i hated every idea i had, anything i did write felt steeped in motivational ideologies and cliches. I have never tried to motivate you to do anything, i wish to show you how i feel about certain things and can only hope it resonates with you and you might be able to learn something about yourself, maybe even feel good about yourself in a situation where you hadn’t before.

I thought i had found myself in DR. “This is who i am and should live to always be. This man, this idea, i will live everyday through the eyes of him then i will get to be happy, and maybe i will like him more than i like myself. What i didn’t account for is the effects of other people, of someone being able to have such a profound effect on me that it would make me question the very core of what i was becoming.

To then lose that person in a way i could have never imagined for the breakdown of something that had meant so much at the time to be there one second, and gone the next- the only result was to be sat on a bench in a park quoting the Matrix- ” I once had a dream, and now that dream has been taken from me.”

I didn’t know who i was supposed to be, for all the work i had done as DR that had led me to that situation and the pain and sadness that had resulted from it, seemed almost lost. Maybe lost is wrong, because it almost seemed broken- maybe because i was broken.

I have in the 18 months since that day tried to figure out who i am again, because honestly as i looked at myself in the mirror, i didn’t see the man i thought i knew looking back at me and whatever i did see i hated. Not good enough, you didn’t try hard enough and so on. I blamed myself for everything, i was broken because of me.

For 18 months, i have had no idea what to do. I’ve flirted with the idea of writing now and again, but not been able to fully commit to it as i did before. I am aware my style is far from perfect, but i’ve always tried to write from such a place that has soul and the passion coming through the words, for this means so much to me, doing what i do in this way. Doing this now, i didn’t realise quite how much i missed it.

The point im trying to make culminates in Britain’s Got Talent and the performer- “X.” Intertwined into every performance i’ve watched this man give has been a single word, a phenomenon that can be so hard to hold onto.

Hope.

I gave up on myself, i lost all hope. I didn’t know what to do, fairly sure that however i had felt as DR, through the development of any connection with another person or to anything i could write felt lost to me forever. This idea DR gave me, that it was OK to like myself was lost. Its taken so, so long to see how powerful hope is.

Hope gives us belief, be it in ourselves or the people around us. The people around me have hoped for me to make a comeback to someone i want to be, someone that i actually like being, something that had been lost for so long now. They have never given up on me, when they so easily could. I will always love them for that. Moreover its taken me this long to realise that its OK not to know exactly who you are and who you want to be.

I am DR and always will be and everything i have done, written or believed in has been a part of me. However, as for who DR will become, that is for time to tell. I live with hope now, more than ever, steadfast in the belief i will try ever harder to be honest with myself, to live in a way where i choose how i feel, less effected emotionally by things i can’t control. Things will go wrong and i will make mistakes, but thats ok, for i am always learning, always and forever i choose to have hope in my heart- I will choose to be myself, whoever that turns out to be.

I have been gone a while, and whoever left you all those months ago is never coming back. I am something new, something more. The future is complex and there are so many stories to be written. All i know from now on is that i choose to be myself, believe in myself, for together we shall learn about ourselves and who we will become as we truly experience life with all the connectivity and beauty it can offer.

I am DR, even if i’m not so sure who that is anymore. From now on i will try to travel hopefully through life, not needing to see all the angles and know all the patterns. For hope is sometimes the most important thing.

Thank you X, for something so beautifully simple has helped something i thought was gone forever.

Yours, with love and hope in my heart.

DR x