A Hopeful Traveller

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,

I find myself, once again, travelling through life in confusing curiosity. If you remember me at all, you’ll know this isn’t exactly a new spectacle. The world often feels like strangely unfamiliar place, people moving through life doing what they do, thinking as they think, acting as they act and living as they live. I have often feel like such a spectator to this, feeling and seeing everything from a rather different perspective- as if i was sat at the side of the road watching the world go by. As if i have been disconnected from what i thought my world should be.

I’ve been gone a while. Far longer than i was gone before. I’ve been posing the question to myself of where i’ve been. Where have i been all this time? I’ve not felt myself for the best part of 18 months, the man you’ve got to know as DR over the 2 years or so preceding it. Its not about losing a throne, or regaining one- it was about losing myself.

I know that sounds like a horrible cliche, and i’m not one for cliches so bare with me. It all begins with DR.

I am DR, or at least i try to be. Everyday from the moment i wake up, to the moment i eventually fall to sleep i try to be who i choose to be, feel how i choose to feel and act, or at least i thought i did.

The thing is, i needed this to happen to me for me to understand that i had been missing something all this time. The key to why I couldn’t write, that i hated every idea i had, anything i did write felt steeped in motivational ideologies and cliches. I have never tried to motivate you to do anything, i wish to show you how i feel about certain things and can only hope it resonates with you and you might be able to learn something about yourself, maybe even feel good about yourself in a situation where you hadn’t before.

I thought i had found myself in DR. “This is who i am and should live to always be. This man, this idea, i will live everyday through the eyes of him then i will get to be happy, and maybe i will like him more than i like myself. What i didn’t account for is the effects of other people, of someone being able to have such a profound effect on me that it would make me question the very core of what i was becoming.

To then lose that person in a way i could have never imagined for the breakdown of something that had meant so much at the time to be there one second, and gone the next- the only result was to be sat on a bench in a park quoting the Matrix- ” I once had a dream, and now that dream has been taken from me.”

I didn’t know who i was supposed to be, for all the work i had done as DR that had led me to that situation and the pain and sadness that had resulted from it, seemed almost lost. Maybe lost is wrong, because it almost seemed broken- maybe because i was broken.

I have in the 18 months since that day tried to figure out who i am again, because honestly as i looked at myself in the mirror, i didn’t see the man i thought i knew looking back at me and whatever i did see i hated. Not good enough, you didn’t try hard enough and so on. I blamed myself for everything, i was broken because of me.

For 18 months, i have had no idea what to do. I’ve flirted with the idea of writing now and again, but not been able to fully commit to it as i did before. I am aware my style is far from perfect, but i’ve always tried to write from such a place that has soul and the passion coming through the words, for this means so much to me, doing what i do in this way. Doing this now, i didn’t realise quite how much i missed it.

The point im trying to make culminates in Britain’s Got Talent and the performer- “X.” Intertwined into every performance i’ve watched this man give has been a single word, a phenomenon that can be so hard to hold onto.

Hope.

I gave up on myself, i lost all hope. I didn’t know what to do, fairly sure that however i had felt as DR, through the development of any connection with another person or to anything i could write felt lost to me forever. This idea DR gave me, that it was OK to like myself was lost. Its taken so, so long to see how powerful hope is.

Hope gives us belief, be it in ourselves or the people around us. The people around me have hoped for me to make a comeback to someone i want to be, someone that i actually like being, something that had been lost for so long now. They have never given up on me, when they so easily could. I will always love them for that. Moreover its taken me this long to realise that its OK not to know exactly who you are and who you want to be.

I am DR and always will be and everything i have done, written or believed in has been a part of me. However, as for who DR will become, that is for time to tell. I live with hope now, more than ever, steadfast in the belief i will try ever harder to be honest with myself, to live in a way where i choose how i feel, less effected emotionally by things i can’t control. Things will go wrong and i will make mistakes, but thats ok, for i am always learning, always and forever i choose to have hope in my heart- I will choose to be myself, whoever that turns out to be.

I have been gone a while, and whoever left you all those months ago is never coming back. I am something new, something more. The future is complex and there are so many stories to be written. All i know from now on is that i choose to be myself, believe in myself, for together we shall learn about ourselves and who we will become as we truly experience life with all the connectivity and beauty it can offer.

I am DR, even if i’m not so sure who that is anymore. From now on i will try to travel hopefully through life, not needing to see all the angles and know all the patterns. For hope is sometimes the most important thing.

Thank you X, for something so beautifully simple has helped something i thought was gone forever.

Yours, with love and hope in my heart.

DR x

Enough

Good evening ladies and gentleman

We live in age of exponential development, the world is moving so fast- to the point where it can feel like you can’t keep up, and nobody is coming back for you. You are alone, left in the cold as the world drives forward, forging a path into a future that i’m not sure we understand. We can’t know what is coming, as much as its a scary to not know, i feel as if whatever it is, its going to be just..more.

Society is developing and technology with it, as we age, as we change and evolve, its becoming a much more demanding world to live in, simply because there’s more and more being put into the world everyday. We are constantly adding, modifying, changing and evolving the definition of everything.

Things are always developing, to the point where you could get this new “thing” and before you know it, the next thing will be out- and off you go chasing that thing, then the next. its an endless cycle, like a dog chasing its own tail, we spend our lives chasing things, its a game that will never end.

Nobody wins- Nobody loses, for in our own way, we never really have enough.

Moreover, the problem of “having” enough can be taken a step further, to a much darker, more painful and generally more misery inducing part of our modern day reality. There are many powerful words, words that carry a great weight across the confusing landscape we call life. Few more powerful i think than the word “enough.” The more and more we put into the world, the more power gained by the idea of having or being “enough.” 2 little syllables that have developed to be able to define everything we are and everything we hope to become.

These days, i don’t think we will ever have enough, because there is no such thing, there is no fixed point, no “ultimate” if you will. Its about “being” enough that holds more power to us, in this society as the people we are developing into, not just as we grow, but evolve.

What if being enough to somebody could be related to this materialistic need for things. What if we have been lulled into a false sense of security about being in relationships, having girlfriends and boyfriends, partners in life- and in love. I feel like we can make a mistake when it comes to “things” and having a great deal of “things” because by today’s standards we think it makes us more attractive, so by this give us more access to “attractive” people, or more a “higher” standard of thing. We live in a world where the things we own make us feel like more, like we are finding our place in society based on how much stuff we have.

Think for a second, what does the world perceive as attractive? Really what takes people to that higher level of attraction? The perfect breasts, the muscular body, the thousands of Instagram followers or just the idea that being with them would allow you to climb further up the social ladder? We live in an age of competition to the point where being enough to someone is a harder thing to understand, because a lot of the time, we don’t treat people like people anymore. More like extensions of our stuff.

Its not about being enough to someone, to them finding that maximum limit where they are truly satisfied in every aspect of that life. It can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking you’re supposed to be the ultimate, the world tells us thats what everyone is looking for.

It seems to me its more wanting to be the one person that stops someone needing to keep searching for the almost perfect situation, looking and forever driving for something, some idea they are convinced finding this will being them all the happiness they desire. We want to be enough to someone so they stop looking, so you see them and smile as do they, you watch the sunset and sun rise together, go out and party the night away or happily stay in bed all day, watching movies and eating pizza.

Wanting to be enough is one thing,

Wanting to be Something, well that is something else entirely.

What does it mean to be enough to you? Is enough purely a materialistic thing, or does it mean something more?

Yours, with love as always

DR x

Collateral Development

Good evening ladies and gentleman

First of all- when i initially had the idea for how to write for this post it was never supposed to be called “Collateral Development-” its original name was “Collateral Damage.” I am all to aware how odd it is to be opening this way telling you something not necessarily relevant, but hopefully by the end all will become clear.

Not to state the obvious, but during your life  people are going to betray you. They will steal from you, emotionally and/or financially- on any level you don’t need to be told that it won’t be a particularly enjoyable experience.  You will feel like shit, your stomach in knots wandering what happened, flicking through the memories looking for where you went wrong.  Memories of events and moments that previously did nothing but make you smile, now a source of fear and irritation, these sensations a constant companion from the moment you wake to when you lay your head on that cold pillow to rest you weary mind at the end of the day.

We are all haunted by some aspect of our past- even me. The desire to forgive and forget is so much harder than you might think, specifically the forgetting part, which can create other issues further down the line. I wander about the future all the time, often so lost in what i hope to create i can miss the beauty of what is happening right now.

I don’t like myself for trying to forget, but to register that it’s happening and not healthy is something to be proud of, i think. Almost like registering the fact you need to make a change in some way. We are all, always changing in our own way and thats good you always have to keep moving, but while remembering where you’ve come from. Our fixation on the future is the cause of so much misery not because of the potential negativity, failure and awful misery of the road most trodden. No, something much simpler, and so much scarier.

Because we don’t know.  There are times in life when you have no fucking idea whats going to happen.

This is where the issues with trust and betrayal come. You trust someone, be it as your friend, or with the delicate inner workings of your soul as your partner, only for the world, them or even at times yourself to destroy that trust entirely. Initial reactions can be of hate, but i choose to believe we are capable of hating a person for only so long. The hate subsides for them, because we want them to feel a tenth like we do, with no real way of knowing how to do that.

Eventually, the more time you spend directing all of your emotional pain and turmoil at everyone and everything else- the alarm clock, traffic, your job, your lunch hour going too fast, the car needing petrol- its all proof the world is against you and ‘this is why i shouldn’t bother with people.”

This is the next problem. I don’t think you ever really hate the person who betrayed your trust, not really. I think these days we have so many issues trusting people in a world where it is becoming increasingly difficult to have secrets and even keep secrets from anyone, its you that you find yourself angry with, feeling so much rage at what has happened because you “should have seen it coming.” Most of all i feel like its very easy to hate yourself for trusting them in the first place, especially considering how hard it can be to trust anyone. Your anger for them turns into disappointment, you believed in something, in someone with more depth than you knew to be capable, on any level, for it to be blown away, like breath on a mirror. One moment it’s there, blink twice and its gone.

It feels like nothing else in the world. You wander if you are broken, if this is what it feels like. You fall lower than you have ever fell, the darkness overwhelming you so much more than you thought possible. The darkness has got you before, more times than you care to remember, but this is worse. You don’t know why or how but it is.

Yet, you survive- sort of. You wake up the next day, the next day and the day after that. You wake up, you drag yourself from a beautifully comforting slumber and even though the world is trying to drag you into the beautiful darkness- you crack on. You’re hurting, yet still you drive forward, even though nothing feels the same. Your almost going through a period of mourning, a loss of that part of you.

You hate that you care at all, but it gives you the most powerful position against the demon trying to own you,  for no matter what happens, you are still you. You’re still that good person you were before, you laugh at the same stupid things, you cry at movies like you did before, you fuck around with your friends who have seen you at your darkest and they were still there then and were there as you bounced back. You’re opinion of you may have dropped for a while, but you’re friends never stop loving you. You will still love the same as before, even if it is a little more cautiously next time around.

These times will come. You keep doing you and one day you’ll wake up and see the development, so far from where you once were. I was going to call this piece Collateral Damage, for all the pain you feel reverberates to every part of your life, you friends, your joys, your loves and hates. One single moment can so easily destroy us, if we let it.

What if we don’t let it get to us, we are all so much more than that. What if the pain doesn’t bring about collateral damage, but Collateral Development.

You become wiser, with a more learned approach to life and to yourself.

Most importantly, so very much more important than anything else.

You never have to do it alone. Never alone.

What are your thoughts on the effects of pain and the damage it can do? I’d love to hear from you.

Yours, with love as always.

DR x

 

 

Displaying phoenix.jpg

M.A.D

Good evening ladies and gentleman

The phrase “M.A.D” or “Mutually Assured Destruction” was first properly referenced in 1962 during the Cuban Missile Crisis, written often down the sides of bombs being dropped for the assurance of annihilation- were it to be required. The M.A.D idea was devised to create a warning for the enemy on both sides during the crisis that if they wanted to, their ultimate destruction could be bought about without issue.

It’s this idea of “mutually assured destruction” I’ve been thinking a lot about recently, for in this comes a thorny issue for many of us walking the plank of modern society, living on the line between who we want to be, and who we think we are supposed to be. When we feel like we have gained a victory in life, when we have “won” if you will, it creates a memory, an untainted, beautiful, near perfect imprint in your mind that no matter what happens in the future, it will always be yours and there i nothing and nobody anything can do to take it away from you.

While there is nothing you, or anyone else for that matter can do to take that moment away from you,  the way you feel or react to the resurfacing of that memory can go as far to define who you become in the future.  When we are walking the line between the uniqueness that defines us and the potential self destruction trying to pull you in the darkness below, waiting for a moment to fill your lungs and infect every cell with what “might” happen. This self destructive nature we are all capable of mustering- all to maintain the mirage of right now, that we are alright, we are “care free.” It can be easy to get swept away in this,  thinking its the “key” to life, to avoiding pain, fear, loss, loneliness and the accompanying stench of misery that can come with such a sensation.

In the arguments revolving around the problems with being self-destructive, i choose to believe fear is the biggest motivator behind such behaviour. Fear kills everything- dreams, friendships, relationships, beautiful words never spoken, creative artistry never put to canvas. If only we could be brave enough to do everything that we wanted to do, then maybe we, I, could find a part of ourselves previously lost to the clutches of what we think, who we think we are supposed to be.

The way i see it, we all have the capacity to think freely- we are not supposed to agree with everyone, about everything. You,  thinking freely, even in a relationship is the key to who you are, rather than living only to the expectations and opinions of them.  It’s very easy for us to become confused by what friendships and relationships are in today’s modern world of often playing one character to the world and another online. Confused because a girl or a guy isn’t going to be attracted to you for agreeing with them all the time, for having the same opinion, loving the same things and hating the same people. People do not fall in love with someone because of their opinion on Donald Trump, but because of who they are. An opinion is a very small piece of a giant absurd puzzle.

Yet we persist- I persist. We persist out of fear of the unknown, i choose to believe. Fear dictates the way we live so much so that it can be very easy to lose focus on who we are. When we reach a certain point in life, a certain point where we are what we think is happy, when we are happy- its easy to be convinced that life cannot get past that point, life cannot feel much better than this. When you find yourself in a certain situation where “happy” is mistaken for “normality” its not really happy- its familiar. Familiar is a dangerous drug, it can morph into many different forms and take you down in many different ways. You can be happy in a situation, in a place, with a person- but excessive doses of familiarity are a high risk game to play, for the demon of destruction more often than not, when the cards are laid out on the table is sat with a royal flush, leaving you with nothing but empty pockets and broken dreams.

Say you lost that “happy” sensation, that thing that had been driving you forward down the path of familiarity. Time isn’t something you pay attention to, for you’re happy just to be there in that moment you honestly believe will last forever. You’ve built up this idea of yourself and your future from this familiarity, flying higher and higher as you settle down to the positive familiarity of it. The result, if we are not careful, can be earth shattering. The glass ceiling is broken, all of sudden you’re spiralling, spinning out of control, not sure what you’re supposed to do. How do you move forward from this event? How do you get back to that feeling? You cling to these questions like they are your reason for living, even if you know you can never get back there, not really.

So you shut everything and everyone off, for nobody and nothing will give you that same feeling as before. Its not the familiarity thats important here, because i believe familiarity is the culprit here because it usually comes hand in hand with “comfortable.” You sit there almost in purgatory, live your life in cruise control, not really you, the demon at the controls crashing and bashing through your life. It doesn’t matter though because you feel so lost in the dark, its hard to see the way out. Sometimes, the dark seems so much more inviting.

You don’t want to do anything. The effort required to just get out of bed and go to work is difficult. To meet people, to see your friends, anything. You lost, and you blame yourself. Sensations of not being worth it, wandering why you bother flood your mind. “Right, I’m not gonna bother again” becomes a staple of your mental diet.

After time, its almost like you become professionally “detached” from everyone and everything, because the result of doing anything seems like its inevitable, like every path leads to you feeling like this again and again, so you refuse to let it happen again, staying as low as you can to avoid the pity you find yourself wallowing in, which is brilliantly ironic and something i believe we have all suffered with at some point in life.

You don’t want to live like this, as the happiness you previously experienced had shown you, but in the clutches of self destruction have you thinking this is the only way to live to avoid pain. You can’t be happy, for you are in pain, feel miserable, sad and lost, so you stay that way to avoid the sensation of being miserable, sad and lost.

Or, to put it another way

Mutually Assured Destruction.

M.A.D.

Yours, with love as always.

DR x

 

Photo by Elti Meshau from Pexels

Reclaim Your Throne

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman

First of all… Hello. It seems like it’s been such a very long time. Days and weeks have soon became months since my last appearance. I would resurface as DR in the world of Thinking Evolution from time to time and genuinely believe i was finding the flow again, the flow that has been eluding me since the turn of the new year. Its as if I would wake up in the morning with such motivation and high intentions for the day, for it all to just sort of… leave when the job was done. Found myself wandering why i was bothering, as if i had lost the reason to keep doing what i felt so strongly about before.

I’ve spent weeks and weeks now trying to figure out what is happening to me, for DR is the ultimate version of me, the person i strive to be everyday, the man behind Thinking Evolution and in my own way to try and do something to make the world a better place. I have made efforts for over 2 years now to work towards making some sort of positive impact on the world. If anything you’ve ever read or seen me write has had some sort of positive impact on your life, maybe not an everlasting effect, even if i made you smile just for a second, it makes the Evolution worth it all.

Something changed though. Something i could never see coming. Scary, yet so utterly fucking glorious.

The thing is i sort of understand what happened.  I am DR at my best, sat atop the throne in the most powerfully brilliant room in the Palace of Darkness, running the show of my mind. Everything i am and everything i want to be, drawn from this person i am and the choices i make. I made a choice, a number of months ago now, i took a chance.

No thinking about it, no major concerns for fears and feelings. As a result a new connection was formed and  she is beautiful, her mind so powerful, often feeling like she’s drowning in the pain and suffering of her past, she perseveres every day for the good of her friends and the people who are special to her. I felt privileged to just be seen by her, for she saw me as me. That doesn’t happen. A person feeling so much pain and fragility as the world constantly tries to beat her down still considers opening herself up to connection and to happiness is, to me, what true strength really is.

The most effective way i can think of to describe the connection we formed was that of a runaway train running up the side of a mountain, inching forever closer to the edge as it twisted and turned through the mountains of life. As much as i didn’t want it to be true, the only way that train was going to go was off the side of the mountain.

However much logical or rational thought i applied to that situation, in that it was confusing, it made no sense, it could never work, almost like we were walking down different paths in life. Through all the excuses i found myself trying to stop me, i carried on regardless of what i thought i knew.  It was unexpected, a rare unique gem in a period of my life where i was struggling to see the good in the world, yet at the time it felt like this person, this beautifully wonderful human being was able to see the good in me.

It was a confusing, emotionally charged, incredibly intense experience. I think in many ways she is an intense person, not something was necessarily upset about, the heightened realization of who she was, or perhaps what she was becoming to me was a site to behold.

I thought my barriers were impenetrable, a fortress to behold that would mean the throne room was something nobody would ever find their way into. Yet, as we grew closer, not something i was able to anticipate, at the speed it did because as she said “it felt so right,” a statement that would confuse me until the very moment i type these words out to you, because i was perfectly happy with everything that was happening. It was a beautifully complex, near perfect time of my life where nothing else mattered. All there was, when we were together, was being there. You ever meet someone like that i thoroughly recommend you hold onto them. They are truly the best type of people in my world.

Once you let someone like that into your head, they don’t really ever leave.  A beautifully powerful, evocative, emotionally charged person, funny, desirable, worth the whole world and is someone i will always care about. No matter what she believes and what i am supposed to believe.

I wanted her to become the Queen of my Palace. I suppose in many ways, she did. It may not have been for long, but it cannot be denied i learnt so much about myself because of it all. The runaway train may have launched from the tracks into the expanse of darkness below,  but i have come through the other side a different man, a stronger man, maybe even a better DR. The world may have been different if we had met under different circumstances, maybe the results would have been different. The world though, is not made up of maybes. As much as that makes me sad sometimes, it is the way it is.

If you ever read this, which i doubt you ever will- i hope you one day see how beautifully brilliant you are. I hope one day you see your worth and get given all the love you deserve. You are worth the world and i hope you one day see yourself like i do. You’re powerful enough to make the world yours, to own your life and love more powerfully than i will ever know. Allow yourself that happiness and that love to truly be yours. Be selfish and think about yourself every once in a while. Your friends will still be your friends, even if your having an off day and just need someone to talk to- they know how much you care about them, i guarantee you that. You are an amazing mother and i hope you never change for anyone. Anyone who thinks you should doesn’t deserve you.

Know i don’t regret one day of me and you, for you bought about the most remarkable evolution in me.  Something i did not think was possible.

I reclaim my throne and mind from you. I feel like this should be a moment of revolution, almost as if i should be happy to be reclaiming my domain- my Palace of Darkness is mine once again. The Palace is not as i remember it though for the evolution that has been bought about.

It changes you, an experience like that. I don’t know what’s going to happen and for the first time in my life, that’s alright. It’s quite exciting. I thought i knew everything there was to know about myself.

So there it is- to you. The Queen of my Palace.

Begs the question- Do we ever truly know ourselves? Do you know who you are, or who you are supposed to be, in all of its painful glory?

I hope this time I’m back and we can work together once again towards a Thinking Evolution.

Yours, with love as always.
DR x

 

 

throne image taken from -https://foter.com/explore/gothic-chair

I or Thinking Evolution do not own this image, nor claim to do so.

 

 

Hide

Good evening ladies and gentleman

So i find myself wandering, not about modern society, but about something as equally enormous and infectious as I can perceive it to be. A world ran by social media, in which we post things convinced the world is gaining insight into who we are and that someone cares about this rare look into a mind designed to look “interesting” and “popular.” This is our world and it is up to us what we do with it and in particular how we react to things, not the rest of the world.  I have found myself so deep down in hate the last few weeks, so lost in anger and rage at just everything, for this was my crutch and the way i believed i was staying in control of my mind.

Most ironically, convinced i was living the right way, using these ideas, these emotions of powerful negativity that if felt even for a morning can drain even the most positive person of all the joy they thought they would ever be able to feel. You lose a part of yourself living like this, for when you think about it, it kills a part of you, the part that feels..anything. As when you or I get so lost in something so dourly negative, a situation, emotion, a friendship that has run its course, a relationship on its last legs, a person you always believed would be in your life in some way- gone in an instant.

As i said last time, it can all happen so fast, often so much so we may not even notice what is happening until it  becomes a distant memory. I was listening to the acceptance speech for an honorary degree of some form for comedian and writer Tim Minchin- i can’t help but fixate on the same phrase, over and over again i keep hearing this point in my head. Minchin basically says the forever pursuit of a long term dream is a remarkably difficult pursuit to rationalize in the modern world, as he goes on to be a great believer in the pursuit of short term, digestable goals. It does make sense in what i believe the alternative is to this short term goal for life, for the fear, the realization of how huge the dream seems, and how very far from the top of the mountain we find ourselves can be a powerfully awful thing to realize.

So what do we do? We hide. I hide, you do it, we are all guilty of it in some way. Right now even, you are thinking about the hiding you have done or may be doing, even as you read this. Before you going turning me off- understand that especially recently i am all for hiding, to taking the consolation prize. This way the world remains in our control, we see what we want to see, hear what we want to hear and feel what we think we want to feel.

I’ve always been confused by this sentiment, even though there is an argument for the powerful brilliance behind it. To “feel the way we want to feel” is, when you think about it, impossible, because we have no control over how we feel. When we wake up, as we move through the day, as we climb back into bed and as we sleep. The way we feel is essentially a collection of reactions to things happening throughout the day, week, month and year- etc. etc.

We have no control over the way we feel, so in my experience when “feeling” becomes overwhelming, we go the opposite way entirely and work harder than we ever thought we could to feel absolutely nothing, to hide from the thoughts and feelings that are so often hard to admit to the existence of.  What do we do when we don’t like something we feel? We hide from it- hiding is what it all comes down to.

Another good way of seeing this is through a point made by Mo Gawdat in a video i was watching on the internet recently, the perfect way to me, to describe how confusing life can be, how easy it can be to hide from it all. Its beautiful, if we can see the choices we have, for everything is just that- a choice.

Gawdat goes on to talk about how the world is forever trying to define happiness, to the point where its modern day interpretation has lost all meaning, because happiness is forever being replaced by fun. We struggle to find that content, calm, beautiful moment in life in which we are happy, its so rare these days it sometimes feels like you will never be able to find that euphoric sense of occasion ever again, so we hide from it in fun. We go out, see friends, go to the club, hit up a gig, fill your brain with something, anything, that essentially means we are not thinking, we are doing something that means we see and feel nothing, distracted by an event that is doing all it can to help us ignore the present reality and the possibility that we aren’t as happy as we would like to be.

Is that even a thing? Is there a point in all of our lives where we are able to not get “happier” and through this same logic are we even able to be truly happy? I like to think we have our own understanding of happy, and the scale of it, to you or me as an individual is frankly meaningless. It’s the hiding that confuses me so much more. Through anything, through feeling something different, through feeling nothing at all, or to saturating your mind with cat videos, Snapchat streaks, Instagram stories and just general “fun.”

Why do we hide? What is the desire to run from what is essentially who we are? Why take the consolation prize and hide in the power of emotional negativity? What are you and I needing to hide from so badly that we allow such misery and pain to wash over with such power to drag you deeper into the darkness with what seems like a possibility of a way out?

Yours, with love as always

DR x

 

The Irritation of Happiness

Good evening ladies and gentleman

Once upon a time, I was able to experience thoughts, feelings and ideas in what i believed to be a rational way, be it something that exists in my present or related to memories from my past. Emotions are good and make up the backbone of who we are, but fuck they make us stupid. Confused, irrational, jumpy people leaping at chances for happiness that could cause the heights of mesmerizing beautifully ridiculous happiness. I write this in such a way to make it sound like a terrible thing, something we should all be trying to avoid. It is anything but that. It should be embraced, as I have been trying to the best i can recently. However it does seem to put my previous more rational abilities at a a disadvantage of sorts. As at this point its as if i need to combat more of who i am to try and figure out a world that for so long i had no interest in.

More recently, i have found happiness , whether faked or not, really, really irritating. This whole obsession we have with telling the world everything they don’t want to know, forcing us to see Snapchat, Instagram and any other way they can scream out loud to everyone else, all the time, about how incredibly happy they are is just so irritating to me recently. Now i know this make me just sound like a cynical, angry little man, but as i write this, sadly, in this mood it might not be a totally unreasonable description.

I find myself irritated by happiness. As a definable concept, happiness doesn’t exist, but i feel confident to say it is something i have experienced before. I often don’t notice until the moment has passed, gone deep into the memories, locked away in another corner of the Palace of Darkness. I like being happy, for all its rarity. Its a calming effect on all the thinking, the feeling, the fear, the anxiety. You sit, stand or just be, in a single moment, without any real sensations about anything, other than just being there. Its beautiful. The way life should be.

Perhaps connected to my new found irritation for happiness in any form is the death of a particular connection,  as the timing between the two does seem to make for a connection. Since the untimely demise of this connection unlike anything else i had previously experienced, i have been struggling with happy people. I hate myself for this, because the whole point of life is to be happy, whether its real or not, whether it makes sense to a third party like me or not. Your happiness is your happiness and there’s nothing anyone can do to understand, or more importantly control this.

This again, caused another brainwave, this one less fortunate. I find happiness difficult to tolerate, not because i don’t like it, or because i find myself dourly negative about the world – among all the stereotypes or boring ideals people have an awful tendency to surround themselves with. The issue is me- just me, reacting like i so often doing, to losing something, or someone, that whether i like it or not and whether i want to admit to it or not, had an effect on my happiness. I don’t hate happiness, i find happiness irritating because for a while, i have felt like i lost my happiness. I had something for a while, it was good- and then it was gone.

I know how I’m supposed to feel when i lose connections that i thought were special. I’ve seen it hundreds of times before across TV and through my friends over the years. In many ways, I have been able to study how you are supposed to feel in such a place of loss, for at one point in my life i was somehow convinced knowing how to react to something that i didn’t expect to happen would be beneficial. I find myself concentrating on this at the ignorance of everyone and everything else, pushing myself harder and harder to think further and further outside of my normal realms of reality.

I don’t know if you do this, but it’s as if i’m trying to flood myself with as many emotions as possible, anger, rage, fear jealousy, happiness, awe- everything. I know i should be in pain, i should be sad, crying even, soaking in so much negative emotion and pain at a loss of something so beautiful. It was a rare, fleeting type of connection and while it wasn’t for very long, i feel like i should feel more than this. Surely….

I should feel something. I’ve felt more than ever before the last few months, so much that to this day makes no sense, for it to all disappear really is something, To feel nothing 95 percent of the time is something else. I find there is an irritation to be found in other people’s happiness to me because something as simple as a memory, a flash, an instant in time that feels ground into the walls of my forever changing Palace of Darkness has changed a part of me, pr more the way i feel about it.

An instant in time, that once made me nothing but happy, reacting with nothing but a smile, tainted by no negativity, pain, nothing. It was there, a memory, a blip in the complicated process of life where nothing else mattered. It still makes me happy to remember this in my weaker moments, when I am isolated, when I am alone. When there is no irritation in happiness to be found, i look for it in myself. I find something once so pure and as near perfect as it could be- now tainted by pain, by the negativity and loss of something that caught my interest like nothing else has.

I feel nothing so often these days these moments are precious, but i don’t have to enjoy them and the fleeting moments of happiness they sometimes bring.

Feels like i’m more withstanding them.

Hard to say at the moment, i seem quite the complicated emotionally dramatic mess- would explain why finishing this took so long.

Yours, with love as always.

DR x

Secondary Emotions

Good evening ladies and gentleman,

So i was diving around the random peculiarities of the internet recently, due to suffering through a recent period of boredom and a subsequent sensation of stagnation, for not to unnecessarily quote Sherlock Holmes, but my mind really does rebel at stagnation. I just can’t deal with it, aimlessly distant,  scouring every detail of my life, all of the information on a subject or particular person, no matter how important or relevant the details may b. I have found that i seem to almost have an obsession to be lost in a puzzle, a desire to wander aimlessly through the seemably never ending complexities of some ideological, philosophical behavior that, rationally speaking anyway, doesn’t make sense when you look at it from  a certain perspective.

Now as I’m sure you know, if you don’t understand something, be it a problem in your mind or a behavior presented to you, be it by yourself, someone you care about or don’t even know, looking at a fresh perspective may help you understand. To take a step back and consider the wall you find yourself at, to look at it a different way and hopefully find a way through the problem. I choose to believe the key to this new perspective is steeped heavily in favor of emotion. Irritation is something i have found to cloud your mind and in particular your perspective when attempting to learn and subsequently understand something about yourself, or something in your life, for the fact its such a consciously soul drenching power. It seeps into every crack, irritation, anger and rage. Its powerful, destructive and will be the end of who we are and everything we want to be if we let it.

What if we ignore the problem for now then and concentrate on the emotion. Anger, irritation, rage and so on. This is where my jaunt across the more philosophical speeches of the internet led me to in that, essentially, there is so much more to anger, as irritation or fury so powerful you feel yourself shaking, for these feelings are more secondary to a more primary emotion.

I’ve heard this extract repeated a number of times in a number of different speeches, but as Elizabeth Kubler said:-

“There are only two emotions: love and fear. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions from fear. From love flows happiness, contentment, peace, and joy. From fear comes anger, hate, anxiety and guilt. It’s true that there are only two primary emotions, love and fear. But it’s more accurate to say that there is only love or fear, for we cannot feel these two emotions together, at exactly the same time. They’re opposites. If we’re in fear, we are not in a place of love. When we’re in a place of love, we cannot be in a place of fear.”

What if the way we deal with situations feelings or events that seem so saturated in emotions of powerlessness, of pain, anger, longing and jealousy all have a starting point- these secondary emotions a cloud for some larger issue? What if, as Kubler says, it all comes from somewhere, in that every secondary emotion, like anger jealousy, lust or happiness, has a starting point in the realm of a primary emotion, be that a place of love, or a place of fear.

She goes onto say more about emotions, focusing in particular on these two starting points for what can only be described for everything you experience across all aspects of your life, from when you were a small child crying because you were hungry, or as tears tumble from those big blue eyes as someone you care about, someone you love comes into to view after so long, a vividly powerful reminder of how fleeting life can be.

It’s this power that makes her point all the more important in understanding what these two primary emotions can do to us, for they are complete opposites. We have problems all the time, in all walks of life, this is inevitable. Along with this problem, there is an emotion we feel with it, anger, rage, happiness and so on. Emotions, especially i think the secondary emotions can massively affect clarity and judgement, leaving your understanding of life and your own self severely clouded. This results in you thinking of every possible scenario in which things can go wrong, living in the emotion and letting it break you down until you barely recognize yourself anymore.

So what if we tried to look further into the emotion, in the way Kubler has presented? We understand that every emotion we experience has a starting point, either in fear, or in love. These emotional states are arguably totally opposite to on another, so cannot be experienced at the same time. So we know that every emotional experience is arguably coming from either a place of fear, or a place of love. What if we could step back, take a look at what ails you from another perspective, look closer at yourself or the relationship, connection or issue that causes you confusion, anger, rage or happiness. Any of these things start in fear, or love.

What if we could understand what creates that fear in you, understand that sometimes fear is a good thing as you cloud your mind with rage during an argument, maybe you fear losing that person, or when you smile at a photo of your friends, you realize what you always knew in how important they are.

Fear & Love. So very important to what makes you, you. Every emotional experience is a result of one of these emotions. Maybe if we understood how, or why in a particular situation, we could break through these walls towards who and where we want to be?

And if we could do that, i feel we would be living true and pure to ourselves.
Which would be outstanding.

Yours, with love as always,

DR x

Wanting & Needing

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman

So, a point I’ve probably made fairly clear at this point that the world has a horrible habit in showing its true self in the most complicated way, to me. More recently the world has become some mercilessly complex its been getting harder and harder to keep up, but after months of trying i may have finally figured out a puzzle i thought i would never understand. A puzzle not of the world and the forever changing society we find ourselves in, but of the people living in it- us basically.

As i have argued a number of times before, i am convinced we, as humans are goal orientated, be it in the short term, say you put coffee in a mug first thing in the morning and with the addition of water you get to the goal of making your coffee, or on a larger scale, maybe in owning your own home or changing the world and the way you see it. There are hundreds of ways you can change your life in both a big and small way, but its the influences people can have on you that are most powerful, through what you want, who you want, then perhaps more powerfully and potentially much more dangerously someone you might feel you need in your life. What/who do you want in your life- for the brilliantly positive effect they may be having on you? Then compare this to the desire of need, or perhaps more appropriately- “to be needed.”

Truth is, for as long as i have reverberated around this puzzle i have come no closer to figuring it out, the idea of “needing” and “wanting” a particular connection or relationship or a certain desire to be a part of your life, the more i think about it, the more confused i become by it all.  The idea of “needing” someone in your life because of what they give you or what they make you feel be it on a regular basis or in the times you spend together has always been a difficult thing to concede to, for it feels almost like an emotional dependence on that person, like them being the person you imagine them to be, the person you choose to believe they will always be, has to be there in some way for you to be content, and subsequently happy.

Take my new connection, which as i write this is not as new now, but she makes my point. We talked a lot through various different methods and i find myself wanting her in every way i know and the other ways i didn’t even think i was capable of. However to need her denotes some form of positive emotional dependence, a way of avoiding negative emotions and avoiding pain in some far flung idea that if you have something powerful, something beautiful you don’t really ever have to feel down, to lose yourself in the negativity again. However, i have become astute enough to know being down and out, being lost in my own head is always going to find a way back in, for life is not always supposed to be good, whether she is a part of my life or not.  I say this like its a bad thing but at times i’m glad the negativity finds its way back in. Why? Because this way i understand how much good there is in my life.

These ideas- “wanting” and “needing” are remarkably similar, what we want and may subsequently need at certain points of a connection with a person, be it in a friendship, a family orientated connection or with a person you care about deeply to the point where they mean a lot to you.  You can be confident and live to your own beat, do what you have to do and live life to the fullest without the need for people whatsoever, but the resulting loneliness can be more destructive than any “want” or “need” imaginable. For we need to feel this pain, this heart wrenching soul crushing destruction to see what how much higher we could reach, if we could believe in the “risk” we are taking to take ourselves higher than we ever thought we could go.

We don’t need people, but we want to share our lives with someone. This seems an obvious thing for we have, in my opinion, a need to find happiness. We cannot find happiness in emotional dependence, for this is like holding a great weight and simply passing it on to the person in question, for life could be so much more, especially these days if we simply took one end of the weight and them the other. A connection you have with someone who wants to be a part of your life and subsequently wants to make your life a much more beautiful, powerfully emotionally positive place is surely a remarkable thing, for all of sudden things don’t seem so heavy.

To want, and to need has never been to do with people, its to do with the emotional make up of me and you that gives us the ability to think and feel better feeling thoughts. We can want and need for anything, if we can choose to be open to life, to sharing it with those we care about, be it in relationships, friendships and in your family.

You be open to the world and open to the potential beauty those connections could offer, you won’t need for this or that, you will have desires to simply experience life. Get past wanting things, people and this idea we need people. We need to experience life, for this is what makes us who we are, with the added pleasure, wander and beauty of having someone along for the ride. This way you’re desire to experience life could be taken to that next level, sharing this moment with someone who needs for nothing more than being in this near perfect moment, with you.

That’s where i think want lies for most people. That’s what true emotional desire really is.

To me anyway.

Yours, with love as always.

DR x

New Years Resolutions- Change?

Good evening ladies and gentleman

So. We find ourselves in the light of a new dawn. 2018. A new year, for new challenges to overcome, problems and puzzles to question and a vast quality of beautiful brilliance to bask in, hopefully similar to what i spring will bring (please go away cold.)  I find myself at a disadvantage, with my work dwindling the last few months, its almost been like my brain has been grinding to a halt, almost like I’ve been struggling to keep up with myself. Its a rather strange sensation but ideas flow from me often like wildfire spreading across a vast plain,coming up with ideas that could be interesting and beautiful, how we are effected by certain situations, how words can be so powerful and how violence can do so much to destroy: how in the depths of misery or in the highest of joys there is a piece of music created anywhere in the last 500 years or so that could effectively describe how you are feeling, some with so many words each like taking a punch in the gut from Anthony Joshua and others that can make you feel so much without even saying a word.

The natural world is powerfully beautiful place, vistas and places capable of taking even the most cold hearted souls breath away. There is no doubt something so utterly naturally brilliantly beautiful about the world that could inspire change in anyone to move forward throughout their lives in this new year, to a point. That point being the thing in this universe far more evolutionary than any form of natural beauty could ever bestow upon us.

That “thing”- us.

My point being far more than any natural beauty could provide us, no matter how provocative, we are always going to take it to that next level and bring about that change, no matter how evolutionary or revolutionary it might be. We, as the spiritual, powerful, intuition following, living a life of often heart wrenching hope and (whether we like to admit to it or not) sometimes emotionally dramatic people has given society more creative wander and brilliance than can be measured, seen or really even understood. We, as people, are incredible and are so much more powerful than we will ever believe ourselves to be. All we have to do is see it. Its at this point i find something taxing on my already mentally stretched mind, in particular during the first few weeks of a new year.

 

NEW YEAR NEW ME- THAT IS MY RESOLUTION

 

I’m not one to assume, as we all know, but in the broadest way i can think to write it, there are what seems like an endless amount of blog posts, Facebook updates, Tweets and stories as we are given valuable insight to someone who i suspect may have written the same thing last year and the year before it and the year before that about what they’re thinking. Even I have been guilty of being so vague- I know i’ve done it, but as i think, i don’t see why a new year, or a resolution for the “new year” is something relevant, for as the year starts anew, why would we suddenly find motivation as the Earth restarts its revolution around the Sun. I’ve always hated them, “New Years Resolutions,” all generally shallow, meaningless stuff we do in some strange belief it will bring a wave of change rolling through life, like its the key to their whole world changing, like going to the gym once or twice before you decide this “change” isn’t for you or trying to cut out a certain food until you “forgot.”

Now i’m clearly being obtuse in that I can’t say all New Year’s Resolutions are as broad and singular at the same time as some of these. What i do find confusing is why this change comes about, just because the year has changed. Nothing really has changed, nothing more than the number at the end of the date, yet we all find ourselves thinking, that things will appear different, or perhaps the more appropriate term less confusing as the festivities of December draw to a close and January has poked its head through the celebration of the new year.

Its almost as if we are going to be able to bring about a dramatic change in ourselves at the beginning of the year, then often by the first week we are questioning the sanity of that decision, generally followed by a fear of inevitable failure and wishing you had never made such a drastically unintelligent decision to make this change in the second week and by the third week most of us have gone back to the way we were before. No more change, no more fear- job done.

“I tried, and that’s what counts.” No, not exactly. If you, me or anyone, start something with the expectation it will go wrong, that you will screw it up or somehow you won’t be able to see it through to the other side, chances are you will never make it. At this point i suspect you find yourself in the vat of memories you would like to avoid, memories of what “could have been.”

As i write to you know, i have so many of those memories and i refuse to make anymore, for the truth is far simpler than i could probably ever write it…

New Year’s Resolutions are odd, strange ideologies that 9 times out of 10 will lead to disappointment. The change in your life, this is the key. Time, in this argument is meaningless, it doesn’t take time to make a decision, to think about something, to do some good or to just make a change that could have a ripple effect across your entire life. This is where the beauty I’ve been talking about comes from. It is just a moment, a second so fleeting you can’t see it when its gone, but when you were there it’s fucking beautiful.

There’s your resolution. Choose to believe in these moments and appreciate the beauty in your world. It doesn’t matter where you are or what your doing, but to choose to see yourself in a different light, to decide that you can do something and there is nothing and nobody that will be able to stop you- that’s true beauty, that’s true power and when all is said and done.

That is true change. So be the change you wish to be- for you.

Yours, with love as always,

DR x