Month: September 2022

Good evening ladies and gentleman

in 1992 Iron Maiden released what has become an all time classic rock song- “Fear of the Dark.” In a logical sense of fear, it is to describe a thing- an adjective that when presented with a certain action or phenomenon in any particular situation- it produces the cold sweat, the raised heartbeat, the feeling of ringing in your ears as you prepare for the battle coming, even if it never leaves your mind…

Fear.

Fears in the physical sense are easily tangible, malleable if you will. Arachnophobia, avoid dark moist spaces. Aquaphobia- avoid the pool. Simple enough right. This way fear is never a problem and on you go, through the ins and outs of modern life. No fear, no problem.

Maybe…

What of the more complex fears though- a fear you maybe didn’t even realise you had? For years an almost self-sabotaging nature so many of us have been living with- limiting what can go right and ultimately what has the scope to go wrong…”it can’t hurt me if it never gets close enough to” and so on.

Marianne Williamson once said

“our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”

Nyctophobia- fear of the dark. Do you fear the lack of light in a room? Or do you fear not being able to control what’s going on in that room- or simpler still control your reaction to it? Modern society has us all surprise averse- living in a state of heightened self awareness, not being able to handle the blows of life if we weren’t given a fight plan before it started. It’s not the action thats the fear, it’s the decision to make the action that creates the fear. The idea of what could happen, or might not happen, of not being able to skew the deck in your favour before the next card is drawn. Decisions are what create fear.

Life is a collection of decisions and a set of alternate realities played out in your imagination, maybe only for a minute, ultimately leading you down a different path. I think we have the capacity to make a decision, to decide actively to conquer a fear, to overcome a barrier, but for it only to be replaced by another. That is the greater fear, especially these days. It’s not about making the first decision, but every decision after that which stops people wanting to make the first one.

At any point, any any time, it could all go wrong. The carefully selected path and the massively contemplated drawn out decision making could have all been for nothing, for you ended up where you started, except left with a feeling of misery and dejection that you made the wrong call. One misstep, one wrong question, one wrong answer, too little too late. Life has become rather nervous, as if everything we want and find meaning in is on tenterhooks, one small crack in the glass and we all shall fall.

So we choose not to do anything. You make the choice not to risk it, don’t turn on the light, avoid the trap. It won’t ever be worth losing it all for, so why waste it, why be miserable for something i can live without? It could all be lost, in an instant. Snap your fingers and everything can change, gone now and never the same- the lovely dark or illuminated for all the world to see the darkest parts of you.

Comfort reigns supreme in the lovely dark, where the most familiar parts of the Palace of Darkness become…home. Misery, curiosity, pain, confusion. I think a lot of people feel that way, i know i do a lot. At the same time though i don’t think people want to feel this way- but the alternative of unknowns, of not knowing what is around the corner, from predictability to eye swivelling confusion.

Life this way is safe. It’s predictable. It follows the same patterns and creates the same patterns and all is well in a world that just doesn’t matter. Not good, not bad, just is.

And i guess thats just it. Just is.

The dark, as powerfully alluring as it is- will make for a mere existence. A safe one sure, from pain, from misery, from loneliness. When you feel you can’t miss something you never had, a once bitter pill becomes a lot easier to swallow or so it would have you believe.

What are we hiding from? Living predictably, living safely..through a fear of not being good enough. It’s partly about not handling success and making a hash of it, but also about considering it an impossibility you deserve a shot at happiness, at some form of joy, a time living truly in the light. Living that life, and not being able to reach the standards you expect ultimately of yourself is what drives us to the lovely dark.

I have found a level of comfort in the lovely dark, the safe place, away from where it could all go wrong. Yet this step into the light, even just dipping a toe into the warmth of the orange glow can be what drives you deeper into the dark. Illuminating you, for all the world to see. All the pain, all the scars, all the confusion.

The cycle is and feels…endless. Yet the definition of madness is to do the same thing over and over and expect the same result. So what does one do, to find a path into the light?

It’s not a case of simply not giving yourself a choice but to be exposed. Given a choice, between the light and the dark- i know the lovely dark would be somewhere I’d be at home. Its about understanding the need to get out of your own way and that everything you are and that everything you do is a process.

A process in which I will make errors, where you may even fuck it up completely. The standards at which you hold yourself too, this overwhelming need for perfection is what keeps you from even coming close. Perfection is an impossibility when it comes to achieving any sort of goal, but getting on the path towards it is the first step to the beginning of everything.

The idea of it all going well at the same time is nothing more than that- an idea. I’m not saying step out into the sun, i know how difficult that even sounds, let alone to do. Start the process. Take a decision that would keep you in the lovely dark on a normal day.

One decision.

Do the thing you don’t dare try. Have the thought you wish so hard to keep locked away. You’re still safe, just one step away from the dark.

Make one choice. Flick the switch, turn on the light.

One step will naturally lead to another, then another and another. Worry not about the plan, about the next ten moves. Prepare for the one right in front of you. What comes next will flow from you like a beer flows from the tap on a warm summer evening.

Then maybe, just maybe, we won’t even realise we left the light switched on.

Love, as always.
D.R x

Good evening ladies and gentleman

As a society- it is believed we are the greatest evolution of the world’s most superior species. We are better than we always have been for we know more, can offer more and and do more now than ever before. Reports have stated that most people will live past 100 and it’s possible that soon 150 won’t be unreasonable. Life is extending more and more as we strive to reach heights previously unimaginable to those that came before us. We run harder and faster than we ever have before, in all walks of life.

I can’t help but be curious about what is lost as a result of this new found longevity. Evolution and everything that comes with it is inevitable, be it in technology, in sociology or just in general human development. The people coming out of high school would be unrecognisable to your 16 year old self. So what happens in a world with technology just getting into its stride- running life via a hard drive and software as the human being becomes nothing more than a customer.

Good thing or bad, i look not to rant about the questionable effect of technology, for all the negatives i could go on about are equally weighed by positives.

What i wander about is something that cannot be touched, understood or defined. I wandered for many years if it even existed, consumed by an idea that if it cannot be understood, then surely it couldn’t be experienced. I do not wish to define love, for it is impossible. I have pursued some form of tangible explanation for those 3 words for years, to accept, simply enough- it cannot be explained or understood.

Margaret Hungerford is quoted as saying that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” and maybe this is the same for love. Beauty cannot be defined, no matter what the idealisation of physical attractiveness across the world will tell you, for it is unique. A person can see themselves as beautiful, someone else can see them as beautiful and others may not agree. The same with love, but most importantly it comes from within you.

Love cannot be felt or be truly experienced without loving yourself – this is the only way to truly live in Post Love. It is complex, but defining the subject of love is impossible, so perhaps what it does to someone can be explored more. What does it do to you when you first to accept you love someone- what comes after that?

The proclamation of accepting you love someone, even if you are unable to understand the psychological complexities of how is a rather emotional experience, for it means that someone has a more powerful impact on you than you could have ever anticipated. It cannot be ignored and you cannot pretend that it doesn’t exist.

It simply is. Realising you are in love isn’t easy- but accepting this is the way you feel is. You can’t change it, so do something with it. Use that energy, why waste it on avoiding something that has probably been living within you for some time now. Accepting it will help you evolve with the feeling as it does. At this point, in one way or another- the person you were is gone.

You have taken a step up the evolutionary chain and will never be able to step down again. You are, now and forever- post love. A scary thought undeniably, for this is what kept you away from people for so long, not giving “chase”to the ideas of love and connection the world would have you believe because it really didn’t make any sense. You were never one for being told what you “should” want as you walk down the path you “should” take. The path less well worn seemed a preference, a comfort if you will. The less well lit, the lovely dark.

Even in the dark, in this state of Post Love you are inherently vulnerable. I suppose when all is said and done you are giving someone a dagger, the tip aimed at the softest part of you. You place their hands softly over the handle with hope they won’t plunge it into you.

That is the key thing i think I and many others struggle with- the release of power to someone else and believing they would never hurt you the same way you wouldn’t hurt them. Loving someone else to me is impossible without some form of love being returned to you, if not for anything else but to establish balance. If it’s not then it’s something else, it’s desire, lustful or not, but i don’t think it could be love. Life is impossible without balance, as is love. Without balance you become reliable and that doesn’t end well for anyone frankly.

To ultimately handle and understand post love- we have to look at how we got to this point. Understand what’s happened in order to move forward, if you will. You accept love, in whatever form it is. You feel it from within you and in the experiences and connection you have with a certain person. You don’t understand it, but know your life would be considerably worse without that feeling, that person in your life. You made it to this point through belief and love for yourself and in another person you care deeply for, even though you cannot explain what got you there.

The art of not knowing gave you something outstanding, so simply be in it, still not knowing. I am forever post love and because of her I will never be the same again. Through simply being, I have grown to a place i once did not consider possible. Don’t want for anything, don’t expect anything, just be there. Present, in a moment, not thinking about the past or planning around your concerns for the future.

Nothing is promised to you and as much as you are sat across the table with them at dinner one day, they could be gone the next. So live in this experience of being with this person, give yourself permission to feel everything you do with them. You are stronger than you think proved more by the fact you are living with Post Love Syndrome.

It doesn’t have to make sense, it doesn’t have to be understood because regardless of whether you understand or not it will continue to exist. So carry on the path that bought you here, in fear, living with the tight knot in your stomach but so sure that person is just as believing in you as you are them. You have started on this path of evolution and suffering in the depths of unknown is simply a part of it to get through. Love yourself and love them, you’ll get through it together.

Be unquestionably and irrevocably in love, want nothing more than your life to be filled with amazing moments where they are stood next to you. There are days where life and moments will be lost to cynicism and confusion. Look out to sea as the boats crash against the waves, and remember.

You are not facing it alone.

Yours, with love as always.

D.R x