Good evening ladies and gentleman
What does it mean to be important? What is it when something- or someone, is important to you? I personally have spent many years doing all i can to avoid giving anything or anyone such monikers, bar the few people i would without a doubt call very important to me. The majority of the time, i try to refrain from believing things, or people are necessary, that they are important, that without them this page of my life would be a lot darker one.
It has meant i have kept my sanity (almost)- or this is how i have rationalised an undeniably rash set of behaviours. In the last few months my understanding of myself has started to waiver though, for the simple reason i have come to realise that beyond this, beyond writing, beyond poetry and expression there is a lot more going on. A lot more that i know absolutely nothing about. This though, is where the idea of something becoming important can very easily fall into a coping mechanism, or a strategy to avoid losing a grip on what you know, or believe to be true.
9 letters. I M P O R T A N T. Meaningless by themselves, say it in Spanish and it means even less to many millions of people across the world. When you use a word like important to convince yourself of a truth you know to be far from it, it loses shape and with that- meaning.
“That’s not important”
“It doesn’t matter”
“She’s not relevant”
“He’s just a man”
However you wish to spell it and in whatever phrase you wish to spin it in, the right circumstance will leave phrases like that meaningless and you open to causing pain to people in ways you are too afraid to perceive possible.
Why? Because the idea of someone seeing you as “Muy Importante” is so hilarious to you- its naturally seen as ridiculous. Beyond that why would you offer someone the privilege of believing them- when its impossible for them to be genuine, implausible beyond all comprehension.
So you hit that phase, the big red button. The alarms flare, men in hard hats start running up and down the steel corridors of the palace, jumping up and down ladders preparing for a break in the walls surrounding your Palace of Darkness. Someone is trying to break through and if they do it will ruin everything. All that hard work, the Palace of Darkness would be brought to its knees by the implementation of a single flicker of light.
You do it and you’d do it again to “protect” yourself. Why? Not to protect yourself, that word holds no more weight than any of those phrases in this context. Then it becomes a battle of convincing yourself of something you know not to be true.
You do it to maintain control- to maintain the illusion. The illusion that you are in control. In control of what?
Control is king. Of your emotions and what affects them and what is “muy importante.” A stranglehold, a tyrannical ruler convincing you he’s doing it all to help you. Keep them all away. You don’t need them. An illusion presented to display strength in the face of adversity limited only to ones imagination- allowing the ego to roam free and without restriction as the weak continue to hide in the shadows. Its hard when you’ve been doing this for so long it becomes second nature, when the mask has been on for so long you don’t now who you’re looking at in the mirror anymore.
You are so confident that you have the illusion, that the whole world is fooled by you, the swagger, the arrogance, the unquestionable ethic that you are actually brilliant and untouchable by such menial ideas as people, as someone holding any sort of power over you and not seeking to simply destroy you. The last ditch attempt to maintain control.
In the end- you are the only one falling foul of an illusion. You are the architect of all of your suffering, all of your thinking, all of the belief that control is the only way to come out on top- to master life and achieve everything you have ever wanted.
The illusion you are hiding behind- what if someone sees through it? No matter what you do, no matter what sort of stunt you pull, tricks you play, evils you akin them too… they persist.
Well these people are an alarming, but fucking wonderful excuses for human beings. They see through it all and are patient enough with you to still be there. I have always done everything i could to avoid people being important, because then it wouldn’t hurt. It’s petty and its childish and i have learned the last few months i owe these people more of a debt than i have cared to consider for years now.
Important isn’t something that can be measured, or explained- because in truth its not real. It’s a social construct, like everything society is built on. Important is a friend bringing you food first thing when you’re off for a road trip, bringing your favourite tea for after dinner. Important is remembering to compliment the girl on the checkout when you bought your morning coffee and smiling simply for the sake of it. Important is someone willing to make you a cup of tea simply because they wanted to do something nice for you.
Important is being there for someone when they lose someone so close to them they will never feel the same again. Its showing up for your friends when they’re down and out, no matter what. In that moment, no matter how you feel, they need you as their friend to be there for them when they can’t be there for themselves. Doesn’t matter how high your walls are and who is important. None of that matters. Show up for your friends. That is important. The small details showing you have a second thought about someone throughout the day, whether you are with them or not.
As much as i strive to this, i have often fallen short of the mark. Fearing some people, convinced it’s easier for them to hate me, even though they never have done. Just because you convince yourself something is true- doesn’t make it so.
Be better than me. I am far from perfect but let every misstep you have ever made be a lesson in what’s important. Not even to other people but to you. People are subjects of your emotions and your situation- the behaviour is uniquely yours to control. Your behaviour is a personal reflection of yourself- to yourself. So why not be the best person possible? Do as i haven’t but as i continue to try and do now. Learn. It’s all we have. Be there for your friends- be the best for them as you want them to be for you.
Its Muy Importante.
Regards, with love as always.