Month: August 2020

Good evening ladies and gentleman

Who are you? I’ve covered this idea or problem behind the idea of self identity a number of times now, but what if we looked at it from the other side- from the opposite side of the spectrum if you will. I am forever destined to be on this tireless campaign for creative individuality and independence, to rage against the machine the world has constructed around us and rise as the creativists we are, all in our own way.

Yet- what happens when this idea is questioned? How should, or how does one feel when this supposedly idealistic way of living creates pain in your heart and throughout every inch of your soul, so much so it causes you to question everything you thought you knew about yourself?

I wrote some years ago about the relationship between addiction and emotional trauma. In particular how in a time of powerful positive emotion we almost become addicted to feeling so much because everything feels so good. Only when that positivity deserts you do you naturally run as far away from this addiction as you can- to get as far away from this idea of feeling as possible.

A similar premise is shown here. You spend so long against the machine, be the outsider, don’t fit in, not noticed, in the background. But you have what makes you- you. As far as you’re concerned- in that moment, that thing is enough. But what if one day- all of a sudden- that thing wasn’t all it was cracked up to be? What if the passion and power became harder to muster- what if solitude and loneliness took a hold of you- gripped by your art but wanting- in the moment, to simply let it go?

You look around and see the rest of the world and how much happier they look than you (like happiness is a competition?) so naturally you consider dipping your toe in the fountain of normality and maybe for a while you find some joy- even with a wet toe. An ignorance of who you are is a dangerous game though, for fitting in can become addictive. As you continue on this theatrical lifestyle, one day you will look in the mirror- and whether you see it or not, the person looking back is nothing more than a mere shadow of who you were.

Almost like a ghost.

When you fall so far from who you were, in fear of the pain, the loneliness, the heartbreak, the contempt or confusion that it caused- how does one survive? How do you come through this and out of the other side? Can you?

When you start destroying yourself, out of fear of yourself- When you start on this path of self destruction in some hope of finding some happiness among others; what remains?

Who remains?

I don’t have an answer, no grand solution. There isn’t one i guess. All i know is the ghost of you will never be able to give you the satisfaction, the contentment or happiness that you are so desperately looking for. In the end, everything is temporary, no more so than when one “tries to live life in another man’s context.”

I think as much as the idea of self exploration is terrifying, especially when it seems like so many of us are living in a mere delusion of self awareness, it is the only way to truly learn about ourselves. Emotional trauma is a part of life, a negative event of some form is inevitable, for this is how we learn how much positivity life can give us. The event itself isn’t causing the heartbreak, the pain, the desire to run. It’s you. The way you feel about yourself is the key to understanding how you react to issues the universe puts in front of you. Good, bad, right wrong- it happened and as of right now it is part of your past and there is nothing you can do about it.

We are part of a society full of individuals trying to break free. The result is a powerful society, built on the destruction of individuals. You, me, anyone- we end up as this idea of us, an idea of what we are supposed to be according to an arbitrary set of rules and ideas designed to eliminate free will, individual creativity and any sort of beauty you see in the mirror.So in the end you’re nothing more…

than a ghost of you.

Yours, with love as always

D.R x

Good evening ladies and gentleman

In the random passages of thought i have, usually lost in some daydream, the most far reaching boredom in which every cell of my body has just had enough of this muscle memory existence or in times where sleep fails me-i’ve noticed that the puzzles i wish to solve come at me in waves, like they are almost themed. I say themed but maybe not as sporadic as i first thought is more appropriate.

What i mean is that, when you feel good, you think about and attract things that makes you feel good- and so on with bad feelings, sad feelings, bored feelings. How does one trust this feeling? How much can you trust yourself to look at something in an open way, without the attention of the ego? Everyone has an ego and everyone likes it being massaged. It’s 2020- an age of social media and people increasingly sharing more and more of their lives over the internet for the world to pretend they care about. So, in a world so apparently vain, how does one trust even their own opinions anymore- let alone anyone else’s around them?

We attract what we think about , but how do we trust that what we are thinking? Is it simply what we believe, or just socially speaking- our minds best guess?

In terms of it being your minds best guess it comes down to one thing- how much freewill do you have? Do we have freedom of choice- to live as we please and to a level that gives us the means to feel happy? or is this a well heeled illusion, like i’ve already said- our minds best guess?

As far as i can tell- the idea of “real,” as far as our own personal universe is concerned, comes down to two fundamental building blocks and the relationship between them.

• Trust
• Ego

These 2 supposedly singular ideals are related in their own way, for i believe without understanding the one, the other simply cannot exist. Let me explain…

Take something i said earlier- quite callously in fact about how “its 2020- everyone has an ego” and so on. This is true to a degree, but not something that can be judged and assumed in such a sweeping way. I put it there to see if i could lure out your egoistic demon from just beneath the surface of your consciousness. I am a firm believer we are all plagued by this demon in our own way and this has an affect on our actions and behaviours throughout daily life.

Your ego convinces you that you need to be the best at everything and have the best everything and nothing else will do. Moreover, if someone was to question your status as “top dog” you would need to defend your “territory” because your image being bought into question is tantamount to a threat.

Why? because it’s creating doubt about who you are.

Reality is neutral, it’s our additions, the building blocks of who we are that create the issues and where the questioning of your reality comes from.

In a word- trust.

Trust as an idea has been given a very singular meaning across the generations of recent decades. Given an almost higher meaning, a staircase for someone you care about, someone you are attracted to, someone who means something to you to be placed upon a pedestal. We live in a world of distrust, where in no time at all anyone could find out who you are, where you live and even your mother’s maiden name. We truly do live in the information age, now more than an ever in a time where paranoia and distrust is higher than ever too.

Why? Because people like to know things about other people, as per the ego, to establish mental dominance and defeat this enemy like the boss level of a video game. This isn’t trust, this is ignorance of the obvious, just another way for the ego to take control of your life. Trust is born not from ignorance, but understanding.

Take the information age- its very easy to perceive this idea as a negative, the swathes of personal information pouring into the exponentially growing skies of the internet. It could be argued even as scary, that “nothing is sacred” anymore. We live in a society where information is king. So- why not use this to your advantage and develop that edge over your ego, because then you give yourself the means to quash the thoughts of your ego running around in your head. Learn about what scares you as much as what brings you joy.

Take the breakup. We all have that one, I’m sure as i mention it here you’re having flashbacks to it. Understanding that you enjoyed it while it was good, understand that it ended and understand how you feel. We live in an endless pursuit of avoiding bad feelings for the risk it places upon us according to your ego. But if we took the necessary steps to understand the demon ailing us, got lost in those thoughts and feelings, allowed yourself to feel everything, all the joy, misery, envy pain and sadness there is to feel and trust we will pull through, then maybe we get to grow from it all.

Trust yourself first, and the rest of it will come. Believe in yourself, place yourself on that pedestal before you waste your time worshipping other people. This idealised ignorance is a guaranteed path to bitter disappointment.

Life isn’t boring, you just haven’t found the thing worth doing yet. Things always come at you in themes- its the universe trying to teach you how much good this growth will do for you- no matter how truly awful you feel right now. Listen to it- listen to yourself.

Then maybe you get the gold in the win over your most proficient adversary- yourself.

Yours, with love as always.

D.R x