Good evening ladies and gentleman.
I find myself in a strange place, understanding more of what being “stuck between a rock and a hard place” really means. Its a particularly confusing sensation, in which its difficult to know what to do, where to go, or how to move anywhere, backwards or forwards from where you find yourself. Like I said last time round, its like falling through to the darkest parts of my complicated, ever growing and expanding Palace of Darkness.
However, in recent times of confusion, anger and irritation i find myself looking backwards, to the problems of being “defeated,” or allowing something, someone get to me in a way that i could do nothing about. I ‘ve already spent a dam long time thinking about that and its driving me down a road i don’t want to go down. Reality is far different though, as letting it play on every conscious fiber of your mind really isn’t an advantageous way of dealing with anything. The only real thing that can be taken from that experience is an insurmountable level of total and utter exhaustion.
Like many mental states and issues that occur in people across the different demographics across the world, exhaustion has a funny way of affecting us all. The lack of sleep being the foremost issue, beyond that It makes you rash, irritable, difficult to deal with, even by your own standards and unnaturally angry at what would normally pass through your periphery without a second glance. I suppose the point I’m not making very well, is that you can become very distracted, so lost about where your going and the path you want to be on.
I found myself at this point recently, after admittedly struggling for what has been a few weeks now. I’m slowly bringing it back, but there are always going to be days where i feel alone, lost on an island, finding solace and misery in equal measures at being on my own. I thought this was happily miserable for a while, until you realize (shockingly) that being what passes as miserable can’t be considered an exactly pleasurable experience. It’s at this point, at the low you don’t want anyone to see where the unexpected comes around. The unexpected positivity.
For as long as i can remember, I’ve struggled to understand positivity. I’ve always been convinced its hiding a darker, more selfish intention; “why would people want the best for someone else?”- as for a long time i have done all i can to convince myself that my purpose, my reason to wake up in the morning was to show others how brilliant, wonderful, beautifully amazing they are and what they have the potential to be, at no matter what cost to myself. However a recent, albeit fleeting lunch with my best friend got me thinking and in many ways has made me wander about the life i was living, the life i thought was they key to the door of “everything.”
She says these days she is surrounded by powerful, inspiring, positive people, those so full of joy and happiness for everything they are and everything they believe she can be. Through this she feels a sense of purpose, of belonging among people who love her, and want for her only to be happy. The sort of people she surrounds herself with make her want to be a better person and work hard to be in a better place everyday. Now as I’m sure you’d gathered she has always been that to me, a person so charismatic, happy, so full of positive joy even after going through so much. She proceeds with her head held high, looking for the next challenge, the next adventure of life and love.
Its truly something the way she is- i love her for it, she’s dam fabulous. Point being though i never really thought i had that in my life, beyond her, that positive outlook, that desire for me to be happy never really passed into something i thought about, being personally connected to someone and the positive influence that they could bring into your life. I guess being connected, wanted, arguably “happy” in a single moment was left largely ignored.
Less people, less connections, less risk to pain, less pain. That was always the thought. With the recent return to the Palace i find myself talking more to people who I’ve trod very carefully around previously, making sure to keep them at arms length and away from my inner darkness, for it meant they would not cause pain. My paranoia is a topic for another day, for its the results of letting people into my life and allowing them to see who i really am, more than the character i play, or the person i think i’m supposed to be that has created the point where i find myself now. I let these people in, did what i can to build them up as i would do before, but with a difference. A difference and what turned out to be a rather life affirming experience.
My recent period of darkness acquired the attention of people i thought i had at distance, but i realize now that we are closer than i thought, for they aren’t just people i know, people that work in the same building i do. They are my friends. The darkness made me realize this, for when they see me, feeling alone, stuck on this island with what feels like no way out, they did what they could to bring me back. In their own way, these two random, strange, confusing people, who 3 months ago i barely even noticed most of the time, considering how long I’ve known them for fear of what might or might not happen. You find yourself going through something and expect its easier to do it alone you’d be wrong, for people and their positive brilliance can be amazing.
Through this period, they were there for me, i guess that’s the best way of saying it. Listening to be miserable, sad, lonely and angry. Annoyed i let myself get to the point of what felt like no return, they listened. I felt, somehow not as alone, not stuck between a rock and a hard place, somehow more connected, to both the world and myself than i ever have done. These brilliant people, both in their own unique way, bringing me back from the darkness, shining a form of hope for what i want to be through the brilliant white hot light of what i had become.
They are weird. They are confusing. They are nothing like i thought they were. I’m eternally grateful to them for this, their unexpected positivity, happiness and joy made me feel protected, like the problems i feel so powerfully weren’t going to be as difficult to deal with, because I don’t have to do it alone. I guess this is a lesson in unexpected positivity, you never know what people are capable of, for if you never give them the chance, you never know how your mind will react to brilliance like that. Simple yet brilliantly individual unexpected positivity.
An odd feeling, yet quite a beautiful one.
Yours, with love as always.