Never Ending Life

Good evening ladies and gentleman

So, as per usual in my mentally obsessive nature, I’ve been thinking about that phrase i keep writing, the idea i have been trying so hard to live to. To live for “life, love and everything in between” in a world that seems like it would prefer we just fell into the position we needed to, to take that role we are supposedly “destined for”, to keep your mind at the lowest volume so you can continue tiptoeing through the dreary reality you have created for yourself as we are dictated to, in this designed and well controlled “happiness.”

Through this, the beauty and wonder life and love can portray to us if we give it the means to do so, i wandered into the realms of the “beginning” and perhaps more prolifically, “endings.” Everything ends, and its always sad when it does. Days, weeks, years, movies and even life itself. Eventually and in someway, this world will signal to you, that an ending is on its way and you should prepare for a prolific change in your well heeled, familiar mental configuration, regardless of whether you want it to happen or not.

I have never been good at endings.I don’t know how to deal with them, for the fear of losing something or a change making me unable to live in such a way that allows me to do and think as i want to and live in such a way that should mean i will be able to catch the occasional curve ball. The problems of endings can hit you so much more i think for they are so saturated in emotion. It means you feel so much so fast- fear, joy, loss, happiness, love. Its like someone takes your understanding of what these emotions are and how you make them feel, then takes both dials and turns the volume up to eleven.

What would be the effect on your life if there were no endings though? Would it change the way we feel about life and love, modify our dreams to a level in this time constrained world we may never really understand?

Beyond all the endings of events, people, and beautiful moments in my life i wish i could have lived in forever, there is always that inevitable end, the draw of that final breath as the embrace of death beckons you with open arms. It’s impossible to know exactly when its coming, just that it will, like the end of a fast flowing river there is no way off of. I have always believed that this ultimate end motivates us to live life to the best way we can, for in the grand scheme of time, we don’t get long. You work so hard to find your flow, understand your rhythm and work to it as best you can. You hope that your rhythm can benefit someone, and make them feel good as you meander through life, where hopefully you meet people who you learn to trust and love so much as you push each other to be as brilliantly unique as you both believe you can be.

How would life be changed if we found a way off of the fast flowing river?

Now, i’m not saying that I’ve found a way to cheat death, to avoid our supposed inevitable end, but how would it affect us if we could? I feel like it would be a very empty and painful experience, for that eventually we would give up on feeling good, for as the world constantly turned as you remained still, everything meaningful and loving to you would just turn to dust, the scale of time becoming so difficult to understand that to lose someone who meant so much to you ending up being nothing more than the end of a nice day. I maintain though that everything you lose in a never ending life would still be felt just as strongly, only to be drenched in a sort of unimaginable anguish, only temporarily relieved with these fleeting connections in which the ending is inevitable.

Ironic really, if you were to avoid your ultimate ending, the major staple of your mental diet would be the bitterness of an ending and all the thoughts and feelings that come with it. To avoid an ending, all you would end up doing is experiencing the feeling that comes with an ending almost constantly. Through never ending life, we lose the point of life, the desire to feel and do things that make us human.

The often debilitating fear of endings can do so much more than not want the song to end, for it can motivate you to live a life in which the first note doesn’t resonate from the piano. I have never been convinced that the end of the event, relationship or love as a part of your life is where that fear comes from though. To me, its more the way you feel when it happens, how you think and what you do. Moreover, even in the ultimate end, in death, I wonder if this is what really fear, in that we do not fear death, more not having lived. Its the ultimate conflict, as to live in fear of the way you feel, to fear that things won’t turn out the way you hope , or to live so cautiously, so in the dark from the brilliance life can offer and not allow yourself the life and love that you yearn for so much, you may as well not have lived at all.

Never ending life would be a curse of a form, because no matter how terrifying endings are, i think we need them. They give our lives, the ideas and relationships a meaning that cannot really be defined or understood, but respected, in what they allow us to think and feel. If we know the end is coming, regardless of how, where from and to what extent, it means so much more to feel good when success comes, when you see an idea come to fruition. Time can make love seem exponentially more powerful for that single moment can mean so much more as a beautiful snapshot of life, only for you to want to moved forward and find new amazing snapshots. Put simply, it gives us a sense that we belong, that we are part of this forever changing world, so much more than living on the outskirts.

To concentrate on the inevitable, whatever way it comes, seems such a waste, its going to happen regardless, so as we live, love and occur in everything in between, simply respecting the end, to me, creates something so much more than simply being human. I think it gives us the capability that in a world in a habit of appearing to be remarkably miserable, its gives us the means to be happy.

and surely happy is good right?

What do you think of never ending life? How would it affect you, if at all? Should we be living to avoid endings?  Does it do more than simply inspire us to live so much more to those dreams that me make for the point in life?

Love to hear from you.

With love as always.
Yours, DR

Random inspiration

My Palace of Darkness

Good evening ladies and gentleman

Why is darkness always seen as bad thing? The familiarity of darkness, you know where everything is and you can mold your thoughts and feelings around what you feel like you can “deal with.” Darkness is familiar, however empty it can leave you.  I always thought that my Palace of Darkness was a place away from the world,  with vast defenses and fail-safes  to keep myself distant, away from a world that often doesn’t make any sense for the fear of winding up lost, be it without a purpose, or to lose someone who i cared about deeply, that meant so much to me. Its never been a “Fear of the Dark,” more a fear of the light.

Once you let the light in, these feelings, thoughts and beliefs in, once you even think about opening the doors of your grand palace of darkness it changes things. Your walls and closely guarded fortress has been found to have a weakness, the question being how I deal with the light penetrating through the shutters of my mind. What if that was the entire point though? What if you wanted someone to find their way into your palace, for if they were willing to try, to do what they can to make you feel good as you would do them, then maybe beyond meandering through the corridors of the Palace, the world and this brilliant person could make you feel, or even just want to feel so much more than you ever thought possible…reasonable even.

Yet i have found these last few weeks that to be “close” to someone, to be happy in this partnership that has been forged through as many years as they have, with the people who mean so much to me, takes far more than the logic and order, more so than i could have ever even imagined.

This learning process began a few weeks ago in that i was wondering about these friends of mine. I have often been able to share things with them i never thought i would with anyone, with them helping through the times of darkness so powerful in the corridors of the palace i have felt like i couldn’t handle alone, even though once upon a time i would have seen no other way. I worry a lot, my logical and rational thinking often being used as a “safety barrier” of some form, where i would spend more and more time in the “Palace of Darkness” for what’s happening on the outside wasn’t “interesting,” as it couldn’t be cut down to manageable bite size parts of information, like it was some form of revision that was going to make me “better at life.”

I’ve known my best friend for some time now and found myself wondering why she has remained in my life as long as she has, knowing all of my instabilities, confusions and about the mere existence of the Palace of Darkness, even if we don’t take my logical, rational ideologies into account. Beyond why she has stuck around, i have found myself thinking about recently why she has kept me around,  for something i did totally naturally, was so far from what being a “friend” was about.  I have never put much thought, emotionally speaking into what i think or say, convinced i was saying “what needs to be said” or “doing what needs to be done.” This way i would be showing her a path to removing misery from the problem, by solving it. Its as if somehow, if she was sad or feeling low somehow, i would worry i wasn’t doing a good enough job of taking that misery away, for i would rather live with it than see her not being and feeling as brilliantly wonderful as i believe her to be.

I believed for many years that the point of me, to her, is to take that misery away, to put it into my Palace of Darkness, to be dealt with. I wanted to do that, because seeing her sad, angry or miserable is a remarkably difficult thing to deal with, especially considering how much of a good friend she had been to me. True or not, i really lived to this ideal.  This was, my purpose in her life, a job i was all too happy to do.

So, when she gets mad at me her “close friend” for doing this in a time where she was not looking for answers, when she was not looking for a solution to her problem, when all she wanted was her friend to be there for her, to support her when she was down and feeling vulnerable, i was nowhere. So i guess her being mad makes sense, even though for a while i was oblivious, until i started wandering,  thinking about how she was feeling, away from the logic and order of myself and away from the events in her life. All that mattered was making it go away to me, when all she wanted was a friend to support her through that difficult time.

Whats more i remained confused for some time, having provided her the answer and she wasn’t taking it. “What is she doing?” i remember thinking, rage and confusion building within me.  I thought for a long time i was mad at her for not seeing what to me seemed so “obvious.” I was watching her change and this was causing an emotional change in me, something that in truth was terrifying. I felt like she was pushing away when i thought we were so close, for i hadn’t been there for her and to lose her is scarier than any corridor, or any chest in the Palace of Darkness could ever be. I was annoyed that i let myself care about someone, as often i can obsess over ignoring human nature for the outskirts, for the darkness because it can make for risk of less discomfort or loss and pain is never far behind.

I learnt something about myself when at dinner with her. I know very little about what it means to be “close” to someone in a genuine capacity. I thought i had it figured out, but the truth is i will never stop learning and this understanding cannot be forced, idealized or manipulated to come the way i want it to. I am scared of the way she makes me think and feel sometimes, its really an alarming jump from what i’m used to. But at the same time it makes me feel so happy and privileged to have this brilliant person in my life that i can share this connection with, this friendship that is there no matter how far i fall and be there to celebrate when the highs come round. I assumed that i didn’t need this, for a very long time. But when the Palace gets a shroud of light through the curtains, you let it in. I may be scared of how i think and feel, of the light she has let in to my Palace of Darkness, but its OK, maybe even good.

Its good that i feel like it would be wrong to try and control this situation, its remarkably exciting letting things just happen, for it could bring about those wonderful moments in life where you just so fucking happy to be there.

What i do know is that whatever happens, my brilliantly beautiful powerful best friends will be there all the way. And no matter how comforting my Palace of Darkness can be- this seems so much more. It makes me want to work harder to learn- to be “a better friend,” to be part of the process and not living on the outskirts in my vast Palace of Darkness.

A good fear. This is new.

Yours, with love as always.
DR

Random inspiration

Be My Valentine

Good evening ladies and gentleman

With the red roses, over sized bottles of champagne and bouquets of flowers splashed in rainbows of color now nothing more than a memory for another year, I find myself trying to understand the point of it all. What is the meaning of valentine’s day? This random day in February, its as if everyone shot up on the “love” drug when they woke up Tuesday morning, beyond the usual worries, thoughts and fears they normally harbor, for the reality of valentine’s day, like on this day the usually crystal clear lens loses focus and nothing seems as it “should.”

I don’t like valentine’s day, it tends to create a rage in me for the world being as it is supposed to be, where something that should be uniquely yours, a connection with someone so powerful and emotionally profound is  taken and boiled down to its component parts. 12 red roses, a box of chocolates, not too cheap (but can’t be spending too much) and an over sized teddy bear that after 2 or 3 days becomes the latest addition to the friends of the family dog.

Its depressing because it feels so pointless, so forced. “Oh its February 14th! I should go buy loads of stuff because everything in the shops is draped in red velvet and you never know, spend a 20 there and who knows what might come of it,” like the most meaningful connection you share with someone in a world that especially yesterday seems so thrown into chaos, is nothing more than a trade off. What the fuck world. You had something so beautiful and just destroyed it. Beat it mercilessly into some form of submission, so it can be dealt with and predicted.

Love, connections and relationships are partnerships, not something we should be jostling for the advantage in while finding another random way of getting gifts that wouldn’t make any sense any other time of the year. Will there ever be a teddy bear that is too big? Bouquets of flowers too dramatic? Its like trying to measure how much you “like” someone. Stupid, because whether you like it or not, its impossible to measure, because to me, nobody really understands what “liking” or “loving” someone means, so how can any number of presents, or the size of the presents ever really define it? Its like trying to measure the distance between the earth and moon using the ruler you carried in your pencil case at school.

I wander, of the strange behaviors existing throughout a smorgasbord of complex thoughts, feelings and ideas, if we fear being in love, or fear being loved, (if for the sake of argument we use Valentines’ idea to its fullest extent.) I think there is life, and the amalgamation of emotions and feelings that come with it. Happiness, joy, envy, sadness, jealousy, pain. We have all experienced all of these emotions in some capacity, some having more of an effect than others. I have always viewed love as something extra, something more. Maybe the way i view love is odd, as this idealistic, magnificently esoteric thing for those you wish to share this “ultimate closeness” with. Maybe we can live with a great deal of emotional thoughts, feelings and responses, but the vulnerability that comes with love, the horrifying sense that someone has so much power over you, to build you up to such great heights or down to the darkest depths of hopelessness that if you were to fall down there you may never emerge.

More importantly perhaps is that we may not even want to emerge again.

Maybe that’s the point of valentine’s day, to take away from the fear of vulnerability, to give us a fake, forced sort of belief that “oh everybody is probably doing this sort of thing today.” You imagine that conversation with that person, the one in your mind you seem so connected to. The words don’t come, the point can’t be made, and the huge amounts of everything that have been building up inside you remain unexplained as the merciless cycle continues far beyond February 14th and all that valentines has achieved is to show you how low you have fallen.

Why in society have we built so much pressure into February 14th? Valentine’s day is made out to be a huge deal for those doing the whole “love” thing, like somehow its going to mean more buying someone flowers and going out to dinner on this day so much so than a day, week or month later. Like it might somehow make a difference. Surely isn’t it going to be much more of an effective display to do this randomly? Not to build up to some form of day, to go out to dinner randomly, buy flowers because you want to, not because its necessary. If you want to share that connection with someone on such a level that is so powerfully brilliant why not create that unique situation, that feeling that cannot be explained, that isn’t part of the world, that is truly yours. Take the fundamentals of “you” and that connection you share with someone away from the ideologies of society, what is considered “normal” and this supposed “utopia.” As to you, all of that will be foreshadowed in the moonlight piercing through the darkness of reality. This is not “utopia.” This is your…well your valentine i suppose. This is the true meaning, to me, of valentine.

With this comes the hardest thing to deal with in a world where vulnerability is a weakness, for when you open your heart to someone, or even to the idea of sharing a connection with them another human being, you can’t close it again. Once you tell someone how you feel, they don’t tend to forget. There will be a seismic shift in your relationship with this person, for you may grow closer, or maybe move further away. On either level, that beautiful connection you had with them is changed somehow, and i think to anyone this is a scary thing.

Its as if feel like we shouldn’t be allowed to get to that level, for maybe we do not “deserve” it? I have used this excuse many times before- because when all is said and done. That’s what it is- an excuse. An excuse not to look within yourself, to not understand that sometimes its good to be vulnerable, for we have to feel pain sometimes if we are ever to understand the joys of life and love. Above all of the crap in the entire world, allow yourself, to understand yourself. You will never be able to see the patterns of the Davinci Code if you don’t know what sort of tools you are working with.

This way,  when we form some profound positive connection with another person, something we may have been maintaining just below the surface, just low enough for it not to be seen, we feel it on such a higher level, giving you so much more power to drive through whatever fear of vulnerability may come at you, for you believe that it will come good and life as you know it will develop, not towards “utopia” but something more.  Even if it doesn’t turn out the way you hoped, you have something to take away from the experience. A lesson of life, of love. I think if we choose to be in these lessons, they could easily change your world, our world as we know it.

Chocolates and roses seem rather meaningless in comparison to that.

Yours, with love as always.

DR

Random inspiration.

 

 

Opening the Floodgates?

Good evening ladies and gentlemen

So my general thoughts haven’t really been confined to my writings recently, as i have been rather swallowed up by this idea we have developed this fine tuned sensitivity, concentrating on the finest details, sensitive to every part of what is more than likely a meaningless situation, like going to make your morning coffee or something as simple as walking down a crowded street. It all has details, and to the logical mind details provide answers, maybe even a solution to the Connections Puzzle. These floodgates keeping the emotions and responses at bay, but for how long? Why should they? Do they? We fear losing control of the way we feel, so limit ourselves to the memories we have, where we always know the end of the story.

Opening the floodgates and letting everything into the very centre of your soul seems like an almost dangerous thing to do, for it has the potential to destroy everything about you, all you have worked towards, the dreams at which you have worked for so long, the person you have become in all the bad days and the brilliance of the good days, all lost, mired in a sea of feeling…everything. You don’t know what it is behind the gate, so living to the idea that “i don’t want to know” seems like the best option. The problem with this is that the waters are forever becoming more ferocious the other side of the gate, smashing into the gate with such a powerful force, sometimes even spilling over the top. Its this emotion that can flow over the gate that worries me, for how carefully controlled memories are, how this emotional response can affect the way i think or feel. I’ve never really known how to handle this unknown form of response, so work to the “i don’t want to know” state of living a lot of the time.

This is the disadvantage to living to the ideals of “i don’t want to know” for when something does happen, even in its smallest capacity, you develop an ability to feel so much.  A character you have watched develop, even in a television drama, to see such anguish in that present moment, that love they portray seeming so powerful, it resonates with you on a more alarming level you ever thought possible. The people you’re close to being in so deeply in love, so happy one minute and drowning in sadness the next, suffocating under the weight of hope, the steadfast belief that they have to maintain for without it they would feel like they had missed out, let an opportunity pass them by.

In a way, i have always loved the people i am close to for living like this, to hanging it all out there, it makes them brilliantly genuine human beings. While i love them for this, it does have a disadvantage i like to think has been an issue at one point for us all. Knowing people who feel emotion in such a passionate way, empowered to jump higher and climb further by it, can, if not to the same crazy intensity, make you experience a heightened sensitivity to the emotional experience as a general idea. Living this sensitive lifestyle when keeping the floodgates slammed shut is a profoundly complicated existence, forever obsessing over details in memories where the end of the story is always the same. In the present moment, its hard to know how to react, what to say, to think or feel. To feel useless in a situation like that is a dreadful feeling. Helpless.

This makes me wander how much control we have over these “floodgates.” The helplessness, to me, is playing its part in your mental battlefield working for empathy. This is one of the most powerful and profound mental experiences to have, for when you see someone experiencing something and responding to something in an emotional way, you are able to see the world in their shoes, see everything from different perspective. You can see them sad, feel some level of sorrow that something hasn’t gone their way and feel joy so beautiful its like nothing else.

If someone you were close to was disheartened or miserable for whatever reason, surely it would make sense to do all you can to try and make them smile, even if it is through tears? For empathy isn’t simply to experience what they are feeling and reacting to it, its so much more. Empathy, to me,  is that in the present moment, you are not important. All that matters in that particular moment is the way they feel. If you can make them feel good, you you would feel good as a result. To see someone you are close to smile or laugh when they have been seemably down and out, facing amazingly dreadful odds to get to that place they want to be in their lives is, to me, beauty in its purest form.

Yet, the argument remains, if you were to take emotions away from a situation, to take away a person’s ability to empathize with another human being, then problem solving, as is the most basic concept we live by would be brilliantly easy. Letting it all in though, the hurt, the pleasure, the pain, the love, is the fundamentals of who you are, even if it can be difficult to think clearly sometimes, for when we are responding to something emotionally, in that particular moment, this is all I can feel.  I can see nothing outside of the feeling, because the mental sense has become so sensitive. I wander about empathy, wander are we living a second degree life- in that people go about living their lives, with us often piggy backing along to see how it felt?

The way people feel though, what they choose to experience or ignore is not something that we can dictate to, or control. We fear opening the floodgates for not being able to handle it, so just try and gain something from somebody, in the hope, or the expectation that it “feels the same?” This argument only really works if we only empathized with happy and positive experiences, for the empathy royal flush is not that simple.  Whether its noticeable or not, whether you or I like it or not, everything has an emotional response. Everything. Good or bad moments, its irrelevant. So your response to a situation has passed- you start to think, beyond the basic decisions they are making and behaviors they display. The capacity to move away from what you would do in a certain situation to the way someone else would react, while only a slight change, can have a dramatic on how you think and feel, even if it can be mentally exhausting at times because it makes you feel just so much.

I am fearful of what empathy can do  It can so often seem that we treat ourselves as such an afterthought, something to be “dealt with later.” I fear that in our haste to feel, think and understand how everyone else is thinking and to empathize with their situation  we can lose focus on what makes us, us. This may sound selfish, but in the mire of everyone thinking and feeling so strongly about the world and the people in it, I feel that its as if we can lose ourselves in the thoughts and feelings of someone else, leaving what we desire, think and feel as an afterthought.

The floodgates, in all their majesty, should remain closed, for i don’t think i will ever truly understand how the whole empathy thing works, its more to me about knowing which doors we should keep open. If I’ve learnt anything from just writing this, at least one door should remain a permanent fixtures on the emotional floodgates.

The gates should remain closed, but there should always be a door to let yourself in.

Yours, with love as always.

DR

Random inspiration

 

Sensitivity 101

Good evening ladies and gentleman

A strange recent mental development of mine is  it seems that modern society is actively trying to be as cut off from people as possible, forever filtering opinions and beliefs of life and love for fear of ridicule, of supposed “abnormality” and humiliation, all to manage the inevitable wave of pain washing over you, as if everyday after a troubled and reluctant sleep mired in your over active imagination, you climb into the shower for the same feeling to flow through you. We become so familiar with this pain, it doesn’t really register on any mental level as an emotion anymore, nothing more than an oil painting hanging up against the back wall of your life. So we cut off. For if we build up the walls and keep the risk away, the oil painting remains in the background, not becoming any more of a problem, even if it means it never goes away.

None of this matters though, for we cannot feel that pain again. To me, there is an event, a memory where we have all felt so much the effects are so severe it as if you’ve just bee clocked with an uppercut from Muhammad Ali, so profoundly powerful to you that nothing will ever be the same again. You feel like no amount of pleasure would be worth risking that feeling , so you make a conclusion, a “best case scenario” of dealing with this middle ground. This way life will continue and we cannot fall, even if it means facing the possibility of never truly feeling pleasure and success or understanding half of what pain is capable of.

This idea has made sense to me for some time- that we deal with the “necessary evil” of limited pain and pleasure so we never find ourselves plunging the depths of that feeling, that severity that dragged you so low that the light at the end of the tunnel seemed nothing more than a distant fantasy. However, you always have that memory that caused so much, stored away somewhere, just off the main corridor of your conscious memory in a safe, under lock and key and ignored most of the time. Yet still there, for occasionally you find yourself drawn to it.

Why? What causes us to keep this memory so close- yet so far away? For what it makes us feel is unique, something i shall call, for the sake of this point- “painful pleasure”. My connections between pain and pleasure are based in the fact these memories come from is visually a powerfully pleasurable experience, while tainted with the severe negative “awfulness” of their ending. We keep them for it proves in a world where being cut off seems so much of an easy route, we hold something back from the world and to some extent, ourselves.

This, in a way, is your very own sensitivity 101. Dramatic loss of something so utterly beautiful in your life creates a memory carved into the very centre of your soul- its never truly forgotten. We are so sensitive to so many of the little details in this memory, for it all seems so relevant to how you felt at the time, the heights of pleasure, to the inevitable loss at the end. Its like your watching your favorite movie, only where you have seen the sad ending a bunch of times before. While we take some solace in this singular memory, a near perfect reference and definition for what pleasure means to you, pain and misery never seem to far behind.

We learn so much from studying this memory in great detail, seeing all the mannerisms, environment, conversations and language, the resulting decisions and happening that led to the “inevitable” result. The fear of this result is what makes for the mental fine tuning, this need to see the details to avoid those thoughts and feelings re-appearing to keep an eye out for any little glimmer that a similar experience could result in that utter brilliance and feared ending could make a comeback. Through this learning process, you not only become aware of whats happening, emotionally speaking in your everyday life, you start to notice so much more of everyone else.

We become sensitive to the way people are feeling based on what they say and do,  develop a different way of seeing things- beyond your own thoughts and feelings. We look past the way we feel, for this logical “analysis” seems the key, the rationale behind what “pleasure” is supposed to be. This is the “necessary evil” within sensitivity.

You feel everything because of that memory, but you have a process, its managed feeling. You look so much for those thoughts and feelings to try and understand them, for we hope it means that we can change the ending. I guess in a way its related to perfectionism, seeing everything in the hope you might win the “final battle” against the inevitable ending of pain. We spend our lives to manufactured, controllable and understandable ideas,  making them nothing more than another oil painting cluttering up the forever mundane attributes of modern life.

Nothing seems natural these days- designed by a committee or a focus group, surveys and “happiness charters” telling us how we are supposed to think and feel. Seeing this from your perspective sways thinking, to needing to see all the details, for the details give us information, the details help us make conclusions, to move the balance of power in our favor, to achieve that “pleasure” we have been working so hard towards. There is always a pay off though- something that is only yours to bear.

I have that memory. That memory that creates nothing a feeling like nothing else. The parts that felt good, that felt so awful its like my soul had died. We need all the details, for being lost in the pain and pleasure of it all means it might happen again. I feel that memory so severely, sometimes losing myself in its brilliance, regardless of what I know is coming. This feeling, good or bad, is the cost of the details. We limit it though. We keep the floodgates closed to the rest of the world, for fear that fresh memories could re-create that feeling, without the details that we have become convinced are the key to this manufactured pleasure.

We fear these memories. These moments where we feel so much, that we don’t know what to do, to think, to feel. I wander if we fear this sensitive nature- for we don’t know what it will do and what it will make of us. We feel like we have control of the memories, for they are over. Fresher memories, as far as you know, could have a much more profound effect.

For everything ends and its always dreadful.But i wander as hard as we try and as many details as we notice, that nothing ever fades. Not really.

Yours, with love as always.

DR

Random picture.